"Card?" Well, card "please"? But Serita never really remembered to add the "please". Especially when she was nose deep in some book, as
usual. Her "usual" meaning a text from a lecture or something with "black", "woman" and "empowerment" in the title. And those essays on "empowered
black women"? Yeah, they always passed the time. Made her work hours go so quickly that she was sure she was working for free. And her work study
fellows would probably agree that she was as all she did was stand at the cash register in the "Caf" and swipe meal cards. Hell, that beat rockin' a
hair net and sweating like a skewered pig in the cafeteria kitchen any day. And the hell if she would be in the back, in somebody's
kitchen ANYWAY. The very thought of slaving, literally, over someone else's food made her nostrils flare as she was sure that the great-greats in the
line of women that she'd ascended from had done quite enough of that. No, the hell, thank you. She was quite fine in the front. Even if she barely
gave anyone eye contact. Did they really need her eyes to pay for their food? Not really...
"Thank you...come again." Half-heartedly handing back the card she'd just swiped, she pushed her glasses up her nose and turned the page of the book
resting on the the counter, wedged in between the wall and the cash register. Of course they'd come again. The rest of the food on campus was crap and
ten times greasier than what they sold. But what the hell? It was the "Caf", not some five-star restaurant on Hotel that she'd never be able to
afford. She didn't even know why she had to say that at the end of every card swipe! But it was mandatory. Mandatory meaning "say it or get fired".
And there was no way she was getting fired. Not when she needed this. Not when the money from work study kept her at KRU. She'd do whatever it took.
She had to. Because the dollars meant the degree...and the degree meant dollars. That fucked up cycle consumed everything, even with new "senior"
status. The hustle just got more serious. Nothing stopped. Not until that cap and gown.
Epic sighed, turning up the volume in his headphones as he finally got his plate. He would never understand why it took so long for the brother in the
Classics line to get a turkey burger with cheese made. Turkey on the grill, then turkey on the bun; nothing to it, right? You wouldn't think so, but
apparently some type of rocket science is involved as Epic had been waiting in that line for more than half an hour. He officially had fifteen minutes
to eat before his damn desk shift started at Frear. Honestly, why did it seem as though he never had time for himself anymore? It seemed like when he
wasn't in class, he was with the bros, and when he wasn't with them he was working a shift. That's what life was for him these days. The only time he
was alone was on the rare occasions he got to sleep...and please believe he caught hell for that too. Excuse him for not whoring around with every
young lady that opened their legs for his frat. He was perfectly content being STD free and childless so they could miss him with the bullshit.
He pulled headphones out of his ears as he approached the register and listless request for his meal card brought him back to the present. The eyes of
the beauty that had requested it never met his, as they were glued to whatever book she was reading. He pulled the plastic from his pocket, placing
it in her open hand before speaking to her, "Smile a little, love. It can't be all bad-," Epic knew first hand KRU student pay was shit, but a smile
seemed to be a foreign concept to this particular Queen. She looked up momentarily, a flippant smirk on her lips as she ran his card through the
machine before passing it back. "See it's not too hard is it?" He chuckled a little reading the look on her face that commanded him to leave her alone
so she could finish her book. Looking over his shoulder he saw he was the last person in line...why not mess with the poor girl a little more.
She delivered a half hearted "thank you", cuing his dismissal but he wasn't leaving yet. "So what are you reading?"
Did he not see her reading? No, for real. Did this random dude in her line NOT see her reading? And this was the way it always went! Some guy
thinking that just because she's behind the register and he's in front of it, that that automatically meant "please, start a conversation with me".
Sure, Serita didn't mind a conversation. A little talking never hurt anyone. But she learned real quick that the guys that took the time to chat her
up in that line on that campus never really wanted just conversation, now did they. It always turned into, "so, what are you doing
when you...get off?" or "I bet you look fly as hell out of those work clothes...". An annoyed eye roll could have been inserted in the middle of
those statements as that was what the ignorant jack asses usually got in response. Nothing about her "University Cafeteria" embroidered polo,
haphazardly thrown into a mess on her head hair and "angry black woman" expression said that she wanted to be hit on. NOTHING. And what a surprise, it
was happening again. And with that quick glance, Serita did a fast size up of her new "conversation starter". Brown skin. Locks. Blaringly royal
purple line jacket. Que-dawg. Sigh, fucking perfect.
A smirk answered his reply for her to "smile", as if his request for the upturn of the corner of her lips would really make a difference in her
expression. But he didn't stop there. No, he just kept on with the "funny". Serita's brow furrowed as she refused to look up and meet his eye, that
comment irritating her all the more. The only answer to his question was her dismissal. Quick and to the point. Hopefully he'd get the point too.
But he didn't. He fired off another question, evoking the all knowing "eye roll and neck twist" that every black woman came with, preset in her
arsenal.
"Hmmm." She said, cocking her head dramatically. "Now, is that the question you really wanted to ask?" Her soft, southern/SWATs voice barely broke
through the noise of the surrounding Caf patrons, but she knew he heard her.
Oh no. He saw her reading and it intrigued him. It wasn't often you caught a female with a book outside of the library or class. It was a nice change
of pace to see an intellectual in a school setting. Ahh, but she obviously was not pleased by his presence nor his questions and the look on her face
said it all. Why not, he wondered. Had she had so many bad experiences in this line that she couldn't see a good one when it passed her? Or perhaps it
was just this mentality that irritated her in the first place. Who was to say Epic was a good way to pass her time? His impression was subjective, he
supposed, but he had a history of leaving good ones...If he had the chance, that was.
This lovely lady didn't seem at all interested in giving him that though. Even as he took an interest in what she was reading, attitude oozed from her
actions before she even had the chance to open her mouth. Usually, he'd be annoyed. He hated when people made unfounded assumptions about his person
before they got to know him, but something in the way she delivered had him amused. The dramatics, the accent that told him she was from somewhere in
the southern mainland. Cute.
"I don't waste time with questions I don't care to know the answer to. Is it that hard to believe that a brother might be more interested in what
you're reading at work, than what you're doing after?"
Hell yeah that was hard to believe. What university's campus was HE on? Because the only thing that came through her line in that
cafeteria was "hungry". And it usually wasn't just their stomachs doing the talking. But, he'd never come through her line before. Not like she
would've tried to remember him or anything. Blinders were on as much as that scowl was when she was walking the campus. Just...she was sure she hadn't
seen his face before...at least in her line, that is. Definitely somewhere, though. Now that she was looking...well,glaring him dead in the
face, his features were a bit more apparent. Memorable. Okay. She had seen him before. A semester or two ago, right? The African American politics
class she took with Dr. Feldman-Nsentip. Yeah, that was the one. And the only reason why he'd even caught her eye, once that semester, was because
during one of those commonly bore-me-to-death lectures that Dr. Feldman-Nsentip was known for, this guy was one of the only ones in the class that
actually was still taking notes. She was the other, of course. But, she'd watched him for a moment. Just looking...nothing more. His focus was
constant, even nodding at some of the professor's comments on the topic. And Serita respected his focus, even if only for a second before she looked
back to her own notes.
But that respect was quickly slipping away as she waited for his answer, which didn't take long considering he was already firing back. His answer was
to the point, honestly. Quick and sadly expected. Couldn't even pretend like he wasn't tryin' to spit game, huh. With another smirk, Serita
rabbit-eared the page she was on and flipped the book closed, the title on the front cover showing.
"Further to Fly." She said quickly, her smirking again as she stared, gloatingly, in his face.
"It's about black feminism. I'm sure you're totally interested in that, right?" Another eye roll before she opened up the book to her saved page and
continued to read, hoping that "I'm more interested in your book than your ass" would move the hell on.
Why was it that every female on this campus felt like if a man was talking to them it was because they were trying to get laid? There were some of his
gender that spoke to females solely for conversation. Here he was trying to brighten what seemed to be a bullshit day for her and shots were being
fired? Really? And where had he heard this know-it-all tone before? He remembered her voice, but when he'd heard it before she had been saying
something intelligent, rather than passing judgement on his genuine curiosity...Where had that been?...One of his African American Studies classes he
was sure. He'd never remember which, but he was sure that was it.
She bookmarked her page, folding in a corner, before flipping the book closed so that he could see the cover. They read the words together, "Further
to Fly-," It was a read...Epic wasn't sure it was a good read, but it was okay for what it was. He might have told his new friend what he thought of
the book before she explained to him that he wasn't interested. Okay. Enough. His demeanor changed a bit as she returned to the pages of her book, now
choosing to ignore him thinking he couldn't possibly contribute more to this conversation about a book he had probably never heard of right? That's
what she thought.
"It was alright for what it was, but I feel like Queen only addressed half of the problem. She talked about how the respect of Queens as culture
bearers and community builders had been lost or whatever but it was a real one sided opinion-," he looked at his watch, finding he didn't really have
time to school her on the subject for real, "I'd look into Black Sexual Politics by Patricia Hill Collins or uh-," he snapped his fingers for
effect, not really having to think about this, "Black Feminist Thought, it's by the same Queen. She's got a better grip on Alice Walker's
Womanism rather than Ms. Radford-Hill's "black feminism". I feel like the term itself make my Queens an afterthought. Womanism suits you better."
Epicurus refocused on the girl's face as he ended his rant and he liked what he saw there. That shocked silence that he usually got when people heard
him speak on a serious level. "You know, I think I like this look a lot better than the smile-," he said, taking his turn to give an all knowing
smirk. "I'm gonna leave you to your book. Enjoy." He said quickly, before turning away from his entertainment.
Yes, "Further to Fly". Wonderful, he'd successfully established the fact that he could read. Serita was completely impressed. Slick words coming out
of her mouth before she could catch them (not like she really cared to) and she was back in her book, her ears very near to permanently shutting off
to anything that Mr. Man had to say. Reading the front of that book should have clued him in to two things. One, if he was looking for some easy ass,
she was not the one. Feminism was synonymous with castration as far as she was concerned and if he was a smart one, he would back the hell off. Two,
she wasn't the typical "tail" that was walking around KRU, some with the head on their shoulders so empty that they could have been swayed by the
easiest of lines. It would never be that easy. And nor would "trying again" as this guy was none of her concern. He had his food, didn't he? Was it
really so hard for him to just move on? The others had been easier to dismiss, the sass in her neck rolls and the non-responsiveness usually tired
them out, but this one wasn't getting the hint! Wonderful. He was opening his mouth again. Serita couldn't help but roll those eyes that were stuck to
the pages of her book, in hopes that he'd just...
"It was alright for what it was, but I feel like Queen only addressed half of the problem... Whoa. What? Was this lame really about to act
like he'd read the book. Oh, she had to see this. Sarcastically she leaned forward and propped her face on her palm, her expression pulled into a mask
of seriousness although a smirk was surely lying underneath, ready to seep to the surface at the first sign of inconsistency with the book she was
reading. Instead, there was no seepage. Only melting, her expression falling from her face like butter on a damn frying pan. She couldn't even hide
her surprise as his words came. He had read Sheila Radford-Hill's work...plus the work of another author that she hadn't even TOUCHED yet,
throwing her name out in a suggestion that only made Serita feel like a complete idiot as he rambled on. Drawing back from the counter, she stood
upright, her chin raised as she tried to erase the shock from her face before he noticed it was there. This pompous...UGH! He'd just played her whole
damn life in a couple of seconds and her jaw could barely stay in the upright position. She wouldn't give him the joy of seeing her completely
dumbfounded. As if she wasn't already...
Her mouth nearly opened before she snapped it back shut. There was nothing she could say! She had royally embarrassed herself, she knew that. There
was no way she could avoid THAT truth. And he just kept...talking, leaving her mind to race to find something to say! But the surprise was still
there, the shock keeping her from forming one intelligent, biting comeback. What the hell was wrong with her? Simple answer: she'd gotten one-uped.
And she didn't think she liked the feeling. Not at all...
I'm gonna leave you to your book. Enjoy. "You do that..." Her eyes continued to cut into his back as he turned around and walked off with his
little smug victory. Tearing her eyes away from him, she looked back to her book and with a loud scoff, snapped the book closed and threw it to the
side as the next customer stepped up to the register.
"Come on, Sam. I wouldn't ask anyone else..." Koi pleaded, putting on his best puppy-faced impression. Sam wasn't budging, her brown eyes shifting
from lightly amused at his relentless begging to undoubtedly irritated at him backing up her line in a matter of seconds. Koi's small grin grew
larger, his eyebrows wiggling as Sam stared at him. Okay, so maybe he was being inconsiderate. Yeah, there were people waiting in line. Yeah, they
were probably hungry and pissed. But there were more important things at hand...
"First of all, boy...I told you to stop calling me 'Sam'. It's Ms. Samuels." Okay, so she didn't like the nickname Koi had affectionately given her.
Well that was "tough fucking shit". Sam was Koi's go-to when he was at the Warrior Caf'...which wasn't too often considering that his dorm had its own
cafeteria (also known as "the perks of being an athlete"). But the food was just...better in the Caf'. He really didn't care what he'd heard people
say about the "homecooked" counter, they didn't know HALF the shitfuck of being on a regulated meal plan based on your sport. Koi hadn't had sugar in
a month. How was that normal? So, he did the easiest thing...he was going to sneak some in the form of a cinnamon bun.
"Okay...you don't like the nickname. I get it. I just want a cinnamon bun...maybe two if you're feeling friendly..." If he wasn't showing all of his
teeth before, he definitely was now.
"Yeah? Come onnnnn. You want to. Make me happy, Sa-I mean, Ms. Samuels." Behind him, there were the obvious sounds of grumbling, annoyed students
getting even more annoyed at the "poor sugar addicted athlete". From the outside, it looked like a spoiled ass jock trying to get his way. But it was
deeper than that. Way deeper, actually...considering that the person asking for it was a recovering addict who'd traded addictions. From every fucking
thing he use to put into his mouth and veins, to the occasional chocolate flavored or sugared substitute. It wasn't the healthiest and his trainer
wasn't amused...but he was supportive. And if it kept that shit out of Koi's body, he'd turn his head for the occasional dessert...which Koi could
only find in the Courtyard.
Hesitantly, Sam smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corner like they always did when she let Koi get his way. He smiled back at her, a thank you on his
lips as she cut him two cinnamon buns and handed them over the glass protector that separated the students from the food.
"Thanks, Sam." He said as she scowled and called for the next student in line.
Devyn sighed putting down the lettuce wrap that wasn't doing it for her. She wasn't sure how people did this keto shit. She'd given it a fair shot
over the last four days and she already missed bread. And sugar, oh God! She'd been thankful to find a seat close enough to Homecooked counter because
they had cinnamon rolls today and she was hoping the smell would trick her mind into enjoying her wrap. It had not. Checking the time on her phone she
saw she still had time to wait for one if she wanted...She also saw she still didn't have a text back from Tre'. Ugh, fuck this healthy living shit.
She would just -
Koi.
Her breath hitched as she caught sight of him for the first time in months. Still the same kid, but different...somehow. It wasn't really his look.
He'd let his hair grow out a little and she could tell from the way his shirt fit the weight he'd started picking up when she saw him last was mostly
muscle now...and he had the most satisfied smirk on those still perfect lips...it wasn't the physical though. It was...he looked happy. Devyn
felt her lips lift at the corners at the thought. She wanted that for him. For him to be happy...
Oops. Shit. She'd stared a little too long, his eyes catching hers as he started for her table, his path probably taking him past her. Finding a seat
was going to be rough...It was the lunch rush and Dev had only gotten one because she was in the right place at the right time. Her table had
obviously been occupied, but it was packed in here and the few seats available were right here here. She figured she'd make a new friend when whoever
this backpack belonged to returned. It was the universal placeholder for someone who'd disappeared to...grab...fuck.
She chuckled a little as she looked closer at the branded, KRU Under Armor bag that had been sitting there for the past 10 minutes. An athlete's bag.
His bag. Koi wasn't going past her table. She looked up just as he arrived at the table.
"Kid-," she bit her lip trying to keep her smile from growing. "Hey."
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
The content smile on his face said it all...the day didn't owe Koi shit. His classes were over for the day, conditioning was cancelled (the
rumor was that Gee, the team's captain and power forward, had Mono...who the fuck still got Mono?), he had not one, but two cinnamon rolls, and he was
content to sit at the table he'd claimed with his gym bag and eat them. BOTH of them, he might add, as he playfully moved them away from Salice's, one
of his teammate's girlfriend's, reach.
"Nope!" He said as he dodged her, laughing as her playful pout turned into a greeting that he quickly returned to her and the rest of the girls
sitting with her. They beckoned him to the table, but he shook his head. His excuse? His playful grin as he turned into the direction of his table
again. Any other day, he would've sat with Salice and her friends...especially if her best friend, Courtney, the friend with the big curly hair and
one dimple, was at the table. But it was an "AA night"...and just like every other AA night, he felt like chillin' by himself. Getting his head
together. Enjoying the superficial shit about college life before everything got real again. AA wasn't an option. Just like talk therapy and check ins
with his life coach from rehab. None of that was anything he could control. But cinnamon buns, his airpods and some Ari Lennox for the next thirty
minutes? THAT he could control.
"Sorry ladies, I've got a table in the b-" His words stopped, steps slowing as he caught sight of her. Brown skin glowing. Black hair in a top bun.
Beautiful brown eyes...looking right at him.
Devyn...
His smile widened as he realized that she was sitting at his table. Well shit. His steps unconsciously quickened as he walked towards her, quick
"excuse me"s on his lips as he dodged the oncoming flow of students in the packed space. People called his name as he passed, he returned waves
without even caring who he was talking to. Because after more months than he really wanted to count, he was finally seeing her. Finally...
"Hips. Sup?" He smiled again, moving his bag as he made some space for himself...and his cinnamon buns.
"Wow..." He couldn't help looking at her. He knew he was staring, but...he just couldn't believe they were sitting at the same table. After their
last...talk, he hadn't really made the effort to reach out to her as much. Sure, he sent the occasional text. They still talked about Eri, asked each
other general questions about the live they were living separate from one another. He finally could see her on IG again...guess she took him off
block. But that wasn't like seeing her on campus, hearing about her classes...hearing about her period. He missed her.
"...where the hell have you been, Dev? I feel like we haven't seen each other this entire semester!"
She couldn't quell the smile then, their usual greeting lingering between them. It made everything feel natural...normal. Devyn sighed a bit as he sat
and she realized that she felt...relief. Just seeing him eased tension in her and suddenly not a lot mattered. Not her shit lunch choice, not the text
back she was waiting on from what's his face, and certainly not all the shit that had her avoiding him for so long. She was just glad he was
here...and not sitting with whoever all the damn girls were that he'd bypassed before he noticed her...not that that was her business.
She giggled a little, looking away from him as a soft 'wow' left him. He still looked at her like she was art and it still made her face warm. "Don't
do that, kid-," she really couldn't take it. She looked back at him the truth on her lips, "You look really good." Her hand reached out, fingering his
curls playfully before she drew back into her own space. Koi was the first to ask...where the hell you been, Dev?
They really hadn't seen one another. She'd unblocked him on everything after Eri convinced her it wouldn't be the worst thing and they'd texted a
little here and there mostly checking in to see if they were still living, but that was really all they'd talked. It was how Devyn needed it really.
She knew his recovery was a lot more serious, but she was trying to recover too. From him. From their shit. From the way the smile he was giving her
now made none of that matter.
"I've been around. Just...getting used to college life I guess." More like getting used to life without him. Something she still hadn't mastered.
"What about you? I see you're still Mr. Popular...and obviously still a charmer-," she nodded toward his two cinnamon buns. She smiled.
"If you sitting with me you gotta share."
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
If he'd been smiling before, he was absolutely beaming now. Especially at Devyn's shyness as he gazed at her. He chuckled at her words, asking him not
to start his shit. What shit!? He was just really happy to see her...even though he swore it should feel weirder. More awkward. It'd been so much time
between them seeing each other. Talking to each other. Spending time around each other when just months ago, they hadn't spent a day without each
other. The shit was weird. They'd started living totally different lives...but it was like they'd never stopped being...friends.
"Don't do what?! I'm just happy to see you." He laughed, shrugging. He really didn't know what he was doing. He was doing what he always did. Grinned
at her like an idiot. Stared at her like her skin was covered with diamonds...or cinnamon buns. He just...he didn't know how to be any different with
someone who knew him as well as she did. And he knew it was the same with Devyn, her fingers reaching up to play with his curls that he'd probably let
grow a little too long.
"Aw! Thank you!" He knew he should've been a little more reserved...a little less...comfortable with her. He couldn't help it. So he fluttered his
eyelashes and pursed his lips, a laugh breaking through as Devyn laughed with him.
"You look good, too." He admitted, his eyes going a little warm at her before his smile took over again. He listened to her talk about getting use to
college life...being around. Koi guessed it was true. He hadn't heard much happening with her name attached, so he figured she was doing okay. He'd
seen her name on a flyer for some fashion show and he was glad she was doing her damn thing. But that was it. He wanted to give her her space. He'd
seen what happened when he didn't and...he couldn't do that to her again.
"Hold up...first of all, I put in work for these." He said, pointing to his dessert.
"And second of all...you better be glad I feel sorry for you with that sorry ass looking lettuce wrap in front of you." He laughed, poking her lettuce
roll to the side of her plate as he placed one of his cinnamon rolls on her plate.
"What else has been up. Fill me in. I feel like I've missed everything with you...and I don't like it."
Don't do what? He knew what! He was doing what he always did, smiling at her like an idiot while she tried her hardest not to to kiss him the way she
used to when they were...fuck, she missed him. She missed when they got to do this. When they were playful and easy. When they created a
world for themselves that didn't have anyone else in it but them and they could just be who they were without feeling like they had to be responsible
for any of the bullshit that made life hard. When they got to be as silly as he was being now, batting his eyelashes at her compliment. She missed the
way he made her laugh.
There was a short lapse in conversation where they both just kind of looked at each other before Devyn caught herself, shooting his question back at
him. What had he been up to? She wanted to know, but she probably shouldn't have brought up the cinnamon buns because all attention turned. She
laughed as he told her he'd "worked" for them, which she figured meant he smiled and charmed one of these poor caf' workers out of the extra food.
Those eyes were undeniable...Second of all...
"Rude-," she laughed with him again as she watched him push her bad decision to the side for a much better one. Devyn broke a piece off as he asked
her again what had been up with her. ...I've missed everything with you. There is was again. Where he put more words than necessary around
something that came so easily to the two of them. He missed her and he didn't like missing her...ugh.
She wanted him back. She wanted to tell him she missed him too and that she'd hated being without him and that she thought about him constantly,
but...she couldn't. Not with how they'd been last time. Sure there was this...the easy. But there was another side to them that she didn't want to get
into today. Today, while she had him here, she just wanted them to be the happy he seemed before he sat down.
"You know me, Koi-," literally better than anyone. "I keep myself real low. School, a capsule show or two...I got lucky and got the coolest roommate.
It's been really chill." That was true enough. Had she also been on a few dates with a particular someone, yes. Did Koi need to know that? No. "I
really only had profile when I was with you..." she smiled again then, tearing off another piece of her cinnamon bun and eating it.
"You still didn't answer my question. How have you been?" she paused. She wanted to be more specific. "How have you been, really?"
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Something warm swelled in Koi’s chest, those words filling him with a familiar feeling that their conversation, her closeness...nothing could
match. He did. He knew her...and he’d almost forgotten in their absence from each other. He could admit that he had been a little...afraid? A
little nervous at the idea of seeing her again and she’d be different. That when she finally freed herself from him, nothing about her would be
the same because...well, because it had all been for him in the first place. He’d realized so much about the dynamic of who there were, who
he’d forced them to be with his behavior. With his addiction... The things she’d said to him after his stupidity (also known as
“the proposal that he kept remembering even though he didn’t want toâ€) stuck. The words hurt, but they were true. So many things
about him had manipulated their relationship, had made it the toxic thing that it had morphed into at the end of them...and he just hoped that he
hadn’t done that much damage, completely making her forget herself...so much that she’d never get “her†back. That
wasn’t the case, though. Devyn’s easy smile still curving at her lips. Her laugh still contagious. She was still...her. And that
“herâ€, the incredible “her†that she was, had had nothing to do with him.
He nodded as she talked more about herself. He really did want to listen to it all, absorb all of it. Pretend that he’d been there for any of
it, which he hadn’t. But she was...happy. Living. She was doing her thing around campus with her fashion and her roommate was cool. But she was
keeping it low key. That was go- I really only had profile when I was with you… Koi met her eyes as he heard that comment, a strip of
cinnamon bun stopping short before he completely put it in his mouth.
“You held your own, Dev.†He said, his comment probably not totally explaining how he felt about her words. She had been more than she
knew in his eyes. What he thought probably didn’t mean too much now, but he’d been more because of her. Not the other way around. She
made him more. More confident. More focused. More... just more. His flex came from her, not the other way around. That was probably what ended them.
Him leaning the weight of who he was on her…
You still didn’t answer my question… That hadn’t been purposeful, he’d just been really into knowing what was
going on with her. Shit about him could wait.
“I’m good. Really...I’m good.†He said, his “good†encompassing...a lot. He told her a little about his classes
(he actually had A’s and B’s in them all, go figure), the basketball team and the fact that he STILL had #23 on his jersey...he even
told her about his Fumie-mandated AA class later that night.
“...I’m actually getting my six month chip tonight, so...that’s huge.†That dark blue son of a bitch was what had him a
little...he didn’t know...weird, he guessed. That was big for him. Big enough that he’d been without the very things that carried him
through the shit points in his life...and he could survive without them.
“I mean...life is weird without…†Weed? Coke? Drugs, period? Her.
“...it’s just weird...but it’s good.†He fell silently, chewing on another strip of cinnamon bun.
She wasn't giving him a lot, she would admit that. But really there wasn't a lot to give. She was right in what she said. Koi was the most exciting
thing about her life when he was in it, which was a good and a bad thing really. Without him, there was a lot less drama. She wasn't existing through
a situationship that she wanted more from, fighting about couple shit while being the only one in said couple, or turning down any half-cocked
proposals (a moment she was hoping would one day stop randomly popping into her mind). But with him...with him, Devyn was excited about literally
everyday. Toward the end of them, when they had finally become a real couple and she spent more days waking up at his place than hers, Devyn felt like
she could do it forever with him. It was where she wanted to be.
Now that she wasn't with him at all she...was just Dev. Bookworm, slick mouth, just Dev. Sure, she'd been "just Dev" when they were together, but
without Koi...she didn't know. She couldn't say he'd completed her because Koi wasn't whole himself, but he used to compliment her in a way that made
her more...just more. He kind of knew it too, offering her a soft 'you held your own' as he peered at her curiously. Did she? Because she
felt like she let him consume her. It was the reason they weren't together now...She didn't want to think about it.
I'm good. Really...That was great to hear. Koi went into a little more detail about what he'd been up to. Class, workouts, recovery. He was
really doing better. Changing. Fumie, Eri, and Zori had told her at various points over the summer, but here he was confirming it. And not just with
his words. Devyn could tell in the way he talked that he was committed to this. He was committed to doing better. He had a six month chip coming to
prove it.
Devyn's hand took his after he popped another piece of his cinnamon bun in his mouth and she smiled at him, "I'm proud of you, baby-," Fuck.
Her thoughts came out her mouth a little too fast and there was no filter. "Uh. Kid." She tried to correct herself, pulling her hand away
from his. She sighed, sitting back in her chair to create distance and rolling her eyes at her own stupidity.
"I'm sorry. Old habits, I guess...I am though. Super proud of you, Koi."
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
When Koi woke up and put his feet on the floor in the morning, he did two things. He prayed the Serenity Prayer over his day and he whispered the
Chinese proverb that Zori had taught him during his time in rehab. Change had been difficult for him in more ways than the one that stuck out the
most. Addiction was a beast, but so were the other parts of his life. Things had shifted in six months, more than he'd told Devyn about and...without
that mantra? He would've...should've crumbled by now. But he was still here, surviving the "new". His family was getting back to...whatever normal was
now. Eri had started to open up in their family therapy sessions. His Moms was...fucking incredible. Zori was even taking on more of a role in Koi's
recovery, driving to campus to do his morning run and meditation with Koi when he could. All of it was unfamiliar, especially the parts that involved
Zori. But it all felt...right. Because changed didn't mean the end of something, it meant evolving.
Like he and Devyn, in that moment. With everything they'd been through, they were talking. Was the situation the same between them? No, it wasn't.
They weren't together. They weren't what they had been. But it was new. It was changing. He could tell in the way she looked at him, in the way her
hand met his as she smiled.
I'm proud of you, baby
The realization of what she'd said hit her...and Koi at the same time...and he froze. One part of him, the part that warmed at the familiarity of
their conversation, filled with hope. But...it was a small part. The rest of him knew, before she'd even said it. Because even though he knew they'd
always love each other, even though they'd always root for each other, the change was apparent. They weren't "them". And they were probably never
going to be "them", again.
"No, it's cool." He said, standing up and eating the last of his cinnamon bun.
"I've got to go anyway...can't be late for AA." He picked up his bag, swinging the longer strap over his shoulder.
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