She was a complete idiot. Despite what Miyu kept telling her, this was her fault. He called her. Koi had called because he needed her and she
was so busy fussing with her make-up for this stupid, STUPID dance that she'd missed his call. She knew now why he hadn't answered his phone when she
called him back. Dhonny's words echoed in her head as Miyu pushed her across the parking lot toward the emergency room. Devyn at least had enough
sense left to gather her dress so she didn't make more of an ass of herself by falling. He slit his fucking wrists, Dev...Devyn wasn't sure she had ever seen or
heard Dhonny cry, but he had been doing it then. He'd had to say those words out loud to her to tell her what was happening and she knew that shit was
hard because she was having trouble just thinking it. You gotta meet us at Mahelona. He slit his fucking wrists, Dev... Not many ways to
sugar coat a suicide attempt, huh?
Devyn was just happy that Miyu had been with her because there was no way she would have made it here alone. Miyu was a wreck, but she was
functioning. Devyn was just...numb. Since Miyu led her out of her aunt's apartment and put her in the car, she hadn't spoken, she reminded herself to
breathe every so often, and she'd just...checked out. Neither of them had stopped crying since Dhonny called, but all Devyn could do was pray Koi
wasn't next in a long list of people she loved leaving her.
Fuck. Why was everything always so hard for them? Why was everything about her relationship with Koi so gotdamn complicated?! She was finally
happy! They were together and graduating and going to school together next year...She just had to push. She always pushed and it had been too much.
Prom was too much pressure. Too much to ask for, but she had been selfish and gotten them here. Over a stupid school function. Devyn was snapped out
of her thoughts by Dhonny, his arms looping around her in greeting.
"How is he? Is he okay?"
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
His eyes burned. And he was sure that they were swollen. But shouldn't they have been? That was normal right? After what he'd seen when he pulled up
to Koi's house?The ambulance. Koi's mom sobbing, stumbling as she tried to keep up with the EMTs pushing Koi on a stretcher into the back of it. The
mask over Koi's face. He wasn't moving. Yeah, Dhonny was sure crying so fucking hard that he'd barely known when they'd made it to the
hospital was completely normal.
Dhonny rubbed his neck as he exhaled softly, leaning against one of the walls in the waiting room. There were chairs, he could've sat down. But he
couldn't. He was too...things were too... It was too much. He was better on his feet. It'd been some time since they'd called Fumie to the back,
telling them in hushed voices that Koi was "stable", that he was "lucky". How the hell was he lucky if he hadn't woken up yet? Dhonny's head shook as
he willed away another round of tears. He wasn't going to start that again. Not while he was there, waiting for Devyn and Miyu to show. How the hell
would that look? Tears running down his face when they finally made it to the hospital? What would they think? Probably exactly what he'd been
thinking while they worked on him in the back...
"I'm going to get coffee." His head raised at the voice he'd heard, looking up into the face of a man that he still couldn't say he knew. He'd
forgotten Zori was propped on the wall next to him...keeping him company. Making sure he didn't totally lose it. Zori's hand clapped down on his
shoulder heavily as he walked away, a reassuring pat. But it didn't do anything to fix the burning in his eyes. The sinking feeling in stomach. The
disgust he felt when he thought about the fact that...the fact that his best friend tried...shit.
...that his best friend slit his wrist.
His head fell back on the wall, a fiercer sting gathered in his eyes, telling him that unwanted tears welled behind them. He couldn't cry. He wasn't
going to let himself do that. Even though he had every reason to do so. Koi wasn't waking up. Eri hadn't spoken...or moved since they'd found Koi in
the bathroom. They'd taken her back for observation, too. Fumie was a wreck, her eyes bloodshot when the finally called her back into Koi's room, her
hands shaking as she brushed Dhonny's hair out of his face...told him to be strong...told him everything would be okay.
It had to be okay.
The sound of the ER waiting room doors sliding open made Dhonny look up, his legs moving before he fully realized that he was moving towards Miyu and
Devyn. His arms wrapped around Devyn, Miyu catching his outreached hand.
"He's..." How was even supposed to answer that? Was Koi okay?
"I don't know..." Dhonny's voice caught in his throat as he fell silent, swallowing tears.
"He's stable. That's all we know."
your body's like art i ain't even thought up yet...
Nothing really felt real. Minutes ago she was getting ready to go to senior prom with the love of her life. She was finishing her hair and making sure
her skin had just the right glow. She was so excited and so happy. Life came at you fast she guessed, because now she was here, asking Dhonny
questions he didn't know the answer to and trying her best not to ask him any more...But he was stable. Stable was good, right? Stable meant he was
going to be okay didn't it? Then why did Dhonny look like he was on the verge of a breakdown?
Devyn pulled away from him, her hands cupping his face as she wiped away tears with her thumbs. She wanted to ask if he was okay, but she already knew
the answer. None of them were okay. She gave a weak smile, hoping that would be of some comfort, but she was sure it wasn't. Especially because this
was her fault.
She pulled away from him, her hand reaching back for Miyu's again as she leaned on her for support. Miyu was always there when Devyn needed her and it
was way more than she felt she deserved right now. She hadn't answered his call. Something had happened and he'd called her and she didn't answer.
He'd needed her and she didn't answer. This was the result. She, Dhonny, and Miyu trying their hardest to keep it together in the hospital waiting
room as they waited for news. Devyn could only imagine what his mother was going through. What Er...Oh God. Eri. She had to be
heartbroken.
"Was Eri home when...when he...-" she couldn't say it. Devyn gave a small gasp attempting to quell the sob that really wanted to come out. She
couldn't even fix her lips to say Koi had tried to kill himself. Devyn didn't answer and he didn't see another out.
So Koi had tried to kill himself.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
He exhaled hard again, knowing that even if he could feel embarrassed about the tears that Devyn wiped away from his face, he wouldn't. Not with her.
Not with Miyu. Not with his family. For the first time in hours, he felt like his body parts were attached to him again. He'd felt
so...discombobulated. Like he wasn't complete. But with Miyu's hand in his, her other hand in Devyn's...it felt closer to normal. Closer to what it'd
feel like if his fucking heart hadn't gotten ripped out and was in that cold, sterile room, fighting just to...
His thoughts halted as he fought back another round of tears, his head hanging as Devyn started asking the questions that he didn't want to answer.
More like he couldnt' answer them. Instead, he only nodded to her question, confirming what he knew Devyn was praying wasn't true.
"Yeah..." He said, sniffing as the tears he'd been fighting started up again, clinging to his eyelashes before they ran down his face.
"She...um..." His voice choked a little as he tried to speak through his tightening throat.
"They've got Eri in observation...she hasn't spoken since Koi went in..." Talked. Or blinked...or moved.
your body's like art i ain't even thought up yet...
Eri. In everything that had happened Devyn hadn't thought of her once until now. She knew Eri was home when it happened; she was more excited about
prom than Koi was (not that that was hard). She had already told Devyn how excited she was to see her dress and she'd even thrown in a sweet lie about
Koi being just as giddy as she was. Their little babe had to be crushed with this whole mess.
Dhonny confirmed that she was, telling Devyn that Eri had been taken back for observation. She hadn't spoken since Koi...Devyn heaved a heavy sigh.
She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what she even could do! She wanted to comfort Dhonny, she wanted to be with Eri, but hell, she couldn't
even take care of herself right now...She just needed Koi to be okay. She needed him get out of this hospital and be okay.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Everything was a mess. And Miyu didn't care if she was stating the obvious. Because it was...a mess. Which was crazy because less than two
hours ago, things were fine. She and Devyn were talking makeup and figuring out their dresses in her aunt's apartment. And now? This. Dhonny wouldn't
stop crying. Devyn, too...and she...dammit, Miyu was barely holding it together, her arms around Devyn as she and Dhonny spoke in hushed whispers.
Their expressions were saying so much more than their words were. Eri was in shock. Koi's mom was a wreck. And Koi...Jesus...
A shaky breath left Miyu's lips as she pulled Devyn even closer to her. As if she could...Devyn was so close to her already. Miyu was holding her up.
She could feel it. She knew that if she let Devyn go, she'd collapse. But the question really was, what was holding Miyu up? Her face was pale. She
knew it. She could tell by the way her hands refused to stop shaking. How SHE refused to stop shaking. She just couldn't...believe any of this was
happening. Sure, she knew Koi. She knew how he was. She knew the complete filth he put into himself and why he did it. But she never thought he'd take
it...this far. Especially not now. It was prom night, for god sakes. It was the night he and Devyn had been waiting for and then he went and did
something stupid like this...
And there was the guilt again. The tightness at her throat when she thought the way she was about Koi. He was somewhere on that hall...in a bed...with
wires and tubes sticking out of him and Miyu was...
She was...furious with him.
How could he do this to them? How could he do this to Devyn? To himself? Another inhale and exhale and Miyu shook her head, barely registering the
conversation going on...the catch in Dhonny's voice as he tried to keep from crying again...the way Devyn's words failed her, but Miyu really knew it
was because she was just lost...and felt as guilty as Miyu did...
...or the tall linebacker with dreads walking towards them carrying two coffee cups.
"Guys..." Miyu eyed the stranger warily as she spoke softly, attempting to get Dhonny and Devyn's attention.
"Guys." She spoke again, nodding her head in the stranger's direction as he stopped close enough to them to hear their conversation.
"Who the hell is he?"
it's the wantin' you, never gettin' you keeps me wantin' you... 強迫観念
She felt like she was falling off a cliff. Having to come to Kapuhai Reef, cutting ties with her brother, the death of her mom, her faux relationship
ups and downs, their earth shattering break up...She had been falling for so long. And oddly enough it wasn't the falling that was fucking with her.
It was that she never seemed to hit the bottom. Things just seemed to get worse and worse and every now and then she would have just a moment where
she thought she could reach out and grab a rock and save herself...but no. Something else would happen and she would start falling again and it had
seemed like it wouldn't end, but then...Koi said he loved her. Koi told her he loved her and she finally felt like she could stand up and
start trying to get back to the top of her cliff with him. But it had been a false bottom.
Devyn allowed Miyu to pull her closer, knowing she might collapse if her friend ever let her go. In all of this Miyu had seemed so calm, but Devyn
knew she wasn't. Her face was ghostly and she was sure she could feel her shivering despite the fact that it was a balmy 74 degrees outside. Miyu was
shook just like the rest of them. In fact, Devyn wasn't sure she had heard her speak since getting her in the car until...Who the hell is he?
Devyn's eyes followed Miyu's to...that guy. Devyn knew his face. She remembered him from a random day she and Koi had decided to get food at Basil's.
They were coming out and Eri, his mom, and this guy were walking down the boardwalk with ice cream...Back then Fumie had introduced him as a
friend...Eri gave Devyn a look that said she should be skeptical, but Koi didn't want to talk about it after. Who would want to talk about their
mother having a possible affair on the father that they hated. She let it go then. But here the guy was now...
"It's his mom's...friend-," her response came quietly as her brow furrowed. What was he doing here? Devyn's attention turned to him. "Hey. I don't
know if you remember me. We met on the beach that day...-," she was babbling. "Were you at the house...when he-," she stopped, her voice trailing off
the way it had been every time she thought about what they were all doing here instead of prom.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Carrying the steaming cups of coffee carefully back to where Dhonny stood, Zori couldn't help but think about everything that had transpired that
night and he'd tried hard...tried not to think about any of that as he trailed the ambulance, Koi's friend crying quietly beside him...Eri, silent and
unblinking, in the back seat. In spite of himself, everything was replaying itself, like a movie stuck on repeat. Fumie's injuries. The terror in
Eri's face. And Koi...
Zori's pace slowed, his eyes shutting against the memory...what he'd seen when he finally broke through the bathroom door. The red tinged water.
Koi's pale face...just visible beneath the surface...
Coughing softly against the scratching in his throat, the lump that seemed to be forming there shifted as he walked faster to get back to Dhonny. He
didn't know him (he barely knew Koi), but something just...wouldn't let him leave Dhonny by himself. But, Dhonny wasn't by himself anymore. Zori's
lips tightened, his shaky smile grim as he nodded to the tall girl that'd caught his eye...alerting the other girl standing beside her. She looked
familiar...
"No, I uh...I remember you. I'm Zori..." He said softly as she trailed off. Getting Dhonny's attention, he handed one of the coffees to him, although
he was doubtful that he'd get around to drinking it.
"And I was...at the house." He stepped closer, handing Devyn the coffee that he'd prepared for himself.
"I think you need this more than I do..."
"The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."
She was trying to remember his name. She knew it wasn't anything simple like Steve or Dave, but she couldn't even think of what his name might start
with right now. She had more important questions swirling around in her head. The most obvious being: what the fuck happened? She knew it was selfish,
but she could not stop thinking about how this was more than likely about her. This whole mess was her fault. Devyn always pushed him and this time
she had pushed too far.
In the time it took she and Miyu to get here, each and every moment that Koi subtly told her he didn't want to do prom flashed in front of her. Study
halls, date nights, he'd said it over and over again and she didn't do anything about it. Devyn had wanted what she wanted and now they were here.
Like this...
She may not have been able to remember ole dude's name, but they seemed about even. What mattered was they remembered one another, that meant he knew
he could fill her in. Zori... She wasn't sure if that was familiar or not. It honestly didn't matter as he confirmed he'd been at the house
and handed Dhonny a coffee.
"What happened-," she spoke over him as he offered her the second one. She hadn't meant to, but she wasn't interested in coffee. She wasn't interested
in anythign that wasn't finding out how this happened. Why this happened...if it was her fault...Devyn had told Koi they were toxic. Everything they
touched turned to shit and it was only a matter of time before one of them ended up like this.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Zori held the cup of coffee awkwardly, his brain still registering the girl’s words as he looked down at her. Her eyes searched Zori’s
for the answer to the words she had just asked him...and all Zori could think about was how he saw someone older in her expression. Too old for her
age. Too young to be going through something like this. He lowered the cup he held, hesitating as he tried to think of a way to tell her...describe
what had happened that evening. How the hell was he supposed to tell her how her boyfriend…
“I don’t know if I’m...the person you want to talk to…†Zori spoke quietly, shaking his head until a voice spoke
beside him.
“No, you’re the perfect person…†A willowy, girl seemed to emerge out of nowhere, her floor length plum prom dress looking
way too awkward underneath the suit jacket that he’d seen Dhonny wearing early.
“...you’re the only person that knows how tonight turned into a shit bomb and what the hell Koi is…†The girl’s words
faltered as Dhonny put his hand on the girl’s shoulder, her cheeks reddening at his touch as she looked away from Zori. She turned her back on
him, letting Dhonny pull her into an embrace.
“We just want to know what happened.†Dhonny said quietly, fighting the return of the tears that Zori had seen in his car. Zori looked at
them...his face pinched as he weighed the situation. This was heavy. Too heavy for a stranger to be giving them information about their friend. He
wasn’t family. He wasn’t even...He wasn’t family. They didn’t know him from Adam. But here he was...the only person that
could tell them what drove Koi to...to THIS.
“Okay…†He muttered, motioning to a couple of chairs in a corner of the emergency room. Talking about what happened that night in
the middle of the emergency room wasn’t ideal, but he knew that Koi’s girlfriend wasn’t going to wait for Zori to search for
anywhere more “privateâ€.
"The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."
Why was he just looking at her? Why was he acting like he didn't know what to say or how to answer? It seemed simple. All he needed to do was say what
happened. How did the kid end up in a hospital instead of at prom with her? Why wasn't he...I don't know if...Devyn felt her pulse quicken as
her lips drew tight. She knew this guy, this Zori character, knew what the fuck was up and could feel herself about to snap if he didn't start
"knowing" some shit real quick. Devyn was about to tell him just that, but Miyu spoke first.
She was right. He was the perfect person to tell them what was going on. Hell, right now he was the only person. Miyu knew it. Devyn knew it. Dhonny
knew it, too. Would each of them have preferred someone that wasn't this virtual stranger telling them what happened to their friend? Of course. But
here they all were...and it seemed Zori understood that too. He motioned to a couple of chairs just off the hallway and Devyn took a seat. She didn't
say anything for fear she would just scream instead. She waited. Zori heaved a heavy sigh as he sat, his hand running over his face as he began
talking about a call he got from Eri...
The house was a mess...apparently they fought...Shemar...he couldn't go to prom like he was...Shemar...
All Devyn kept hearing as Zori went on about what had happened was Shemar. His name. She could see his face. She could picture what he'd done. Choking
Fumie, slapping Eri...Koi...
"I need a minute-," Devyn wasn't sure if he'd stopped talking or when she'd stood up, but she was moving away. Her grip tightened around the phone she
forgot was in her hand. Everything felt distant and numb. This wasn't real...Devyn? "I need a minute Dhonny, damn!"
She turned then, her legs taking her past a nearby nurses' station and around the corner. She would...she didn't know. She didn't know what she was
doing or where she was going. She just...needed a minute. Stopping where she was, she felt her grip tighten around that phone again. She felt her
heart beating in her throat against the lump her tears had already made there. She felt her legs growing weaker by the second. What she felt more than
anything though was the most intense rage.
This hadn't been her fault. It was Shemar's. As usual. And in the mix of confusion, grief, and anger she was feeling, she was overwhelmed with this
sense of vengeance and it scared her. It scared her because it reminded her of someone she worried about becoming daily. Someone never wanted to see
again...or at least she thought she wouldn't, until now...
Maybe she should make a call...
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
As Zori spoke, he wanted to look away from their faces. He didn’t want to make eye contact with Dhonny, nor the girl with the plum
dress...whose name he learned was “Miyuâ€. He didn’t want to look at the pain in their eyes when he spoke about Shemar’s
attack on his own family. He didn’t want to see them understand what really happened to Koi...what really made him...do what he did to himself.
Zori still couldn’t think it. He barely knew Koi, which was what Fumie wanted...what they’d both wanted. Zori meeting Eri had been a
stretch for both he and Fumie. He’d known that. But the idea of meeting Koi wasn’t as easy. It wasn’t simple. This
moment...in front of his friends...wasn’t easy. Especially when he looked at Koi’s girlfriend, Devyn. Especially when he saw the look in
her eyes…
“...and that’s when Fumie heard the commotion upstairs. Eri was kicking the door...and she couldn’t...get to Koi…†His
words stopped immediately, Devyn’s movement towards the hallway behind them drawing his eyes to her. Made him track her movements. Because he
knew the look in his eyes that he’d tried to avoid when he’d looked at her, most of all. Pure rage. He’d seen anger like
that before. He knew it...all too well. And he knew where that anger led to.
Dhonny tried to stop her, but couldn’t. Not with anger pulsing through her the way it was. Not with Koi in a hospital bed. Not with
Shemar…
Before he knew it, Zori was on his feet, his hand against Dhonny’s chest, stopping him from going after Devyn. He shook his head at
Koi’s friends, their grief mingled with anger and something else. Fear.
He walked behind her slowly. He didn’t want to chase her. He knew she needed space. But she needed something else, too…
“Hey…†He said quietly, what felt like minutes spanning between watching her and speaking. She stood, barely moving. Clutching her
phone in her hand so tightly, Zori swore she would shatter the screen. He hovered close to her, but made sure he kept his distance, respecting her
space. He fell silent again, patience quieting his voice...until she was ready to speak.
"The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."
Her word were at a whisper, but she needed to hear them out loud. She needed help. Devyn didn't know how to handle this, she couldn't deal with it.
She was...good. She paid attention in school, only fought when she had to, had never wished death on anyone, before tonight. She was not
this...essence she felt enveloping her entire being; taking her over from the inside out. She wasn't evil. She wasn't her dad...but if that
were true why was she trying so hard to convince herself of that fact right now?
"I'm not him. I'm not him. I don't need him."
Her breaths came quickly, but they were so deep. She wondered if this was what a panic attack felt like. Because she was. Panicking. She was losing
her shit and she did not know how to pull it back together. A hand went out to a nearby wall in an attempt to steady herself. The back of the other,
the one with her phone in it, ran across her forehead. The phone lit up as she brought her hand back down and without much thought Devyn found herself
staring at the screen. She had notifications. It was almost 9. She unlocked it. Home screen. Phone book. Her thumb scrolled through
the listings and chose one. Kareem. Broski. Kissyface emoji.
Devyn scoffed, amused by the fact that he was still saved that way. She hadn't looked back to change his contact. She never had the heart to take him
out of her phone, even when she got the new ones...not that she wouldn't have known the number anyway. She could call Kareem, couldn't she? Just this
onc- Hey...-
Zori. Her attention fell to him as the world came back into focus around her. The beeping of machines from nearby patient rooms. Medical chatter as
people in scrubs passed by. She could focus again.
"He's not here is he?" Shemar. She needed to know he wasn't in this building with them as they all huddled around waiting to see if his son would live
or die. He didn't deserve to be here. "Shemar isn't here, right?"
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
He could tell that she’d been a million miles away when she looked at him. His whispered greeting sounded more intrusive than he’d meant
it to. He got it. She’d needed a moment. She’d needed something more than just “a moment†in Zori’s opinion,
but...there was something in her eyes. In her face. Something that told him that even though she needed “spaceâ€, she didn’t need to
be alone. And not because she might have broken, shattering from the weight of everything she’d seen that night. She didn’t seem like
the kind of girl that shattered easy. No, she didn’t need to be alone...because of the force of her anger...the strength of it...and how it
would’ve shattered everything around her if Zori let her deal with it alone.
He’s not here is he? The steadiness in her voice made Zori’s body tense. It didn’t waiver with emotion...not even from
the fury that he could almost see radiating off her skin.
“He’s not…†Zori admitted after a short pause, his jaw clenching as he attempted to quell his own quiet anger. Of course he
was still angry. He’d shown up at Fumie’s house to clean up the mess that her dumb shit of a husband had left and there wasn’t a
second, not even in the slightest, that he knew he’d end up here. He’d known for awhile how toxic Shemar was. He’d known how his
selfishness sabotaged every piece of normalcy that Fumie had tried to stitch together for those kids...for herself. But Shemar...he was good. Too
fucking good...at tearing it all apart. Because long after he destroyed something...the aftershocks kept doing damage. What had happened to Koi that
night...that was the worse aftershock yet.
“...and if he knows what’s good for him, his ass won’t show up around here either…†He scoffed dryly at his inability
to keep the growl out of his voice.
“I probably shouldn’t have said that…†Shaking his head slowly, he slid his clenched fists into his jean pockets.
"The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."
He’s not…Devyn exhaled. She hadn’t known it, but she had been holding her breath. If Shemar was in this building, she
didn’t know what might happen. She had been thinking about calling her brother about this, but it would have been easy and just as destructive
for her to kill Shemar herself. At this point, she felt like she was capable. How a man could be so…to his own blood…she just
didn’t understand it. Even her own father had never been physically violent with his kids. Her mom, sure. But his future? Devyn knew what she
and her brother were to Hilton. They were an extension of him; a chance to reach the goals he’d set for himself after death. Kareem had taken
to that mission, but Devyn? She didn’t want to be a part of his little crime family. She didn’t want to be the violent, morally
bankrupt, “money over everything†animal, he’d managed to turn her brother into. But she was still Hilton’s daughter. And
everyone in her family had inherited his mean streak. Â
She chuckled as Zori scoffed at his thinly veiled threat of Shemar. “You have no idea-,†she was talking mostly to herself, but he really
didn’t. No one did. Devyn had done a really good job of keeping her shit to herself. Koi may have known her better than anyone on this island,
but he still didn’t know her. Neither did Dhonny, or even Miyu. They probably never would. “Can I…-,†she sighed a
bit, unsure of how to continue. “Can I say something that stays here?â€
She just needed to get it out. “I want Shemar dead-,†she knew she sounded like a melodramatic teenage girl right now and maybe that was
for the best, because she wasn’t done. “Back home, all I needed to do to make that happen was ask. It wouldn’t matter what he did
or why…I just had to ask.†She knew she sounded like a maniac, but honestly, who gave a shit. Devyn didn’t know this guy from a
hole in the wall and even if Fumie decided to keep him around, that meant nothing for she and Koi right?
“I never knew how much power that was until this exact moment-,†because now she could use it. She got to decide between life and death
for someone and it made her hate herself. Even in running away, all she had to do was call, cry, and ask. Would there be consequences? Of course. But
one of them would be a dead Shemar and right now it felt worth it.
“I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to think about hurting people, even if it is Shemar. This is the whole reason I
left…†She was back to talking to herself. Sure, Zori could hear her, but none of this was for his benefit. She was sure none of it even
made sense to him. She just needed to get it out.
“I am not this person.â€
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
I want Shemar dead... He couldn’t pretend as if he understood them, but Zori had a heart for kids, especially teenagers. Life
hadn’t been easy for him growing up. With a single mother that barely made ends meet and an absent father, he knew what it was like to be
angry. To hate his life so hard that he raged out at anything and anyone he could. To say things he didn’t mean and do shit that he knew he
couldn’t take back...ever...just so he could pretend that the rage didn’t have an unbreakable hold on him. That...wasn’t this.
That wasn’t Devyn’s words. The quiet words shared between them weren’t spoken by a hurt, confused girl who couldn’t think
of anything to do but to lash out. They were spoken by someone who was more than familiar with the words than she would ever admit. And the more she
spoke, the more Zori realized that every bit of that threat, every word she spoke…she was fully capable.
Hushed conversations and the beeping of life monitoring devices could be heard around them. But between them, a thick silence was beginning to form.
As Devyn’s words quieted, Zori stayed silent, letting what she’d said just said to him settle. The truth was...her words had rattled
him, but the honesty behind them? They unsettled him. Did she make him uncomfortable? A little, he could admit that. Was he afraid of her?
No. He couldn’t be afraid of what he saw in her...because he knew it all too well. He thought back to their first meeting as he sat in the
silence with her. He’d known there was more to Devyn than she spoke. But he didn’t pry. And he for sure didn’t ask shit that
wasn’t his business. But he knew it from the moment her eyes met his on the boardwalk that day. She wasn’t like Koi. She knew more than
a preparatory education could ever teach her…and her words told Zori his assumptions were correct.
“You don’t know me…†Zori started, taking his time with his words. “...but I’m going to tell you
something...yeah?â€
“You’re right...you’re not that person...†He stopped talking long enough for her to look in his eyes. He needed her to see
his face.
“But I was...I was that person for a long time.†He admitted, his face blank. “And it took a long time to not be him anymore.
Because that shit? Whether you get your hands dirty or not...it stains. And those stains don’t go easy. It takes a hell of a long time before
they go away.â€
“And I know you don’t know me...but I don’t think that’s who you are...at least not here.†She didn’t know him
and he didn’t know her, but he knew that she understood him. Somehow, he knew that they both understood what it was to have a past that
you’re running from catch up with you in the worst of ways. It was the person that you fought hard to become meeting up with the person you
swore you’d never be again. Watching them fight to the death, just so you can figure out just who the hell you’ll turn out to be in the
end.
"The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."
They sat in silence for a while and Devyn was grateful. She felt lighter after finally revealing just a small piece of who she really was after so
long. She revealed it to a stranger, but it was something. It was the something she needed. And he didn't judge. Granted, she didn't know his
innermost thoughts. She could guess that he was rolling his eyes at her melodramatics and dismissing her words as the angry, sad, confused words of a
teenage girl, but she wouldn't know from the look on his face. He just sat with her. Stoic and quiet. And she liked that...not that you could tell it
from her face either.
Devyn stared off, part of her contemplating what to do next and the rest of her still screaming that she needed her brother. Kareem always knew
what to do. In the weeks before her mom went to rehab and she was going through it, Kareem knew what to do. Even when she got self-destructive,
Kareem kept her safe. He knew what to do...until...she couldn't go there now. One existential crisis at a time. Was Zori talking?
Devyn nodded as he told her he wanted to tell her something. Of course he did. Here came the judgement she'd been expecting. The "I know how you feel,
I know it's hard" talk that all adults came through with when they weren't sure what to say because the child they were talking to was being
"unreasonable". Devyn wasn't being unreasonable. And this wasn't that talk...
You're right...you're not that person...Devyn scoffed. He couldn't possibly know who she was. The few minutes they'd spent together on the
boardwalk told him absolutely ZERO. Besides, him not knowing her was the point..but he was still talking...about himself now. Her eyes watched him as
he reflected, his words talking about his experience, but still somehow calling to hers. Whether you get your hands dirty or not...it stains.
That stuck. It stains. It stains. It stains.
It did. She knew that first hand. No, she didn't get her hands dirty, but here she was, contemplating being responsible for the death of another
person...this time she wouldn't be able to blame anyone else. It would be all her. Stained.
This was too much.
Devyn opened her mouth to respond to him. To tell him more than he probably should have known about the first time she'd inadvertently had a boy
killed over her recklessness...but before she could talk Dhonny appeared, rounding the corner with Miyu close behind.
"There's news. You should come back."
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
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