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Author: Subject: Intensive Care Unit (ICU)
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[*] posted on 16-4-2011 at 10:16 AM
Intensive Care Unit (ICU)





Please try not to disturb those beside you.
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[*] posted on 23-8-2019 at 02:11 PM


Koi didn't believe the hype. He never did and he never would. Especially when people would get on television talking about it like it was some miraculous event. Miracle type shit. Miracles weren't real. He'd figured that out when his father was damn near bashing his fucking brain out in the middle of the living room. Yeah, some times good things happened...and then the bad shit reappeared...consistent and always there. So, when he woke up in the hospital room, the light stinging his eyes as he tried to adjust to the too bright room, he'd already known. More bad shit, right?

His mother slept so lightly. She'd heard him shift in the bed, his hands, slow and groggy, fumbling at the pain on the back of his left hand. He sucked in air as he shifted what felt like an IV, the pain from handling it moving up his entire arm. He heard his mother move from the chair that the nurses had folded out into a couch so that she could stay with him. So that she wouldn't miss a thing. She hovered over him for a second as he blearily stared at her, his eyes attempting to adjust. Her hand fumbled for something by the side of his bed. She cursed quietly, her hand going to his cheek as she placed her lips on his forehead quickly and then left the room. He felt himself slipping again. Back...out. It wasn't sleep. He knew that...it was something heavier and...

His eyes fluttered open again and the room was lighter. Shadows moved slowly on the wall near the television. Some news program was playing...and Koi could tell that it was late in the day. Time was moving weird... He shifted his head and he saw his mother again, her fingers typing feverishly at the screen of her cellphone. He watched her awhile before he shifted, drawing her attention. She looked at him, a way too bright smile on her lips.

"Hey Koi boy..." She spoke quietly, walking towards the bed.

"Hey..." He whispered.





it's gonna get difficult to stand,
but hold your balance...

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[*] posted on 23-8-2019 at 03:17 PM


In and out for days...

Her baby had been in that hospital bed for the better part of a week and she had been with him for most of it. Leaving him only to check on Eri--who hadn't left Devyn's side since the incident--and come right back. She couldn't not be here if...when he woke up for good. She wanted to be his first face. Their first night here was the worst of it. Doctors talked about how important it was to monitor the water in his lungs from the tub and how much blood he'd lost "was cause for concern". This whole thing was cause for concern...for most.

Dhonny and Miyu had been at the hospital daily since the first night. Devyn had been calling, but with Eri refusing to come to the hospital, she hadn't been able to physically be there yet...secretly, Fumie could tell she preferred it that way. When they talked she could hear the apprehension in her voice. The distance. She didn't want to be here anymore than Eri did and they probably had the same reason...seeing him like this was hard. It wasn't her son.

Fumie wasn't delusional. Koi was troubled. He coped in unhealthy ways and this wasn't their first suicide attempt, but...he almost did it this time. Her first born almost died and it shifted so much shit into perspective. In the other few times they'd been together in the hospital after overdoses or his even after his first attempt, Fumie felt guilt. She felt like she should have known. Like she should have been paying more attention. That she had failed as a mother. She felt those things for herself and it had taken her this long to realize that. This time that wasn't what she felt. This time, she was angry.

Not with Koi, of course, but with the people who made him. The people who claimed to raise him and love him. His father hadn't visited. Fumie liked to think it was because he felt ashamed for almost killing his only son, but deep down she knew it was because he didn't give a shit. He'd caused this and he felt justified and she knew that. Shemar didn't care and that made her angry, but she expected that from him. She was most upset with herself. She could not keep doing this to Koi. It was her. Being with Shemar for so long, shutting Koi and his emotions out because she was trying to handle her own, making Eri live that same life. Her kids were afraid of their father and still she'd stayed. She stayed until this happened. What the fuck?

It had taken her way too long to recognize that she was doing this to Koi. And while his father was directly responsible, she hadn't loved him enough to protect him from him before they even got here...That was changing.

Koi stirred again as she finished an email to her divorce lawyer, finalizing edits on the petition so she could serve him herself when the time came. She had to start focusing on what mattered. On who mattered.

"Hi, baby-," her voice cracked but she smiled, keeping the instant tears that started every time he was strong enough to look at her at bay. This time he'd spoken; how could she not smile? She stood, approaching his bedside and running a hand over his curls. "How are you feeling? Do you want me to get a nurse?"




I was a heavy heart to carry but, he never let me down.
When he held me in his arms my feet never touched the ground.
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[*] posted on 23-8-2019 at 03:45 PM


Everything...hurt. Like really fucking hurt. His throat...his legs and back...his wrists. Mostly his wrists. They were tightly wrapped. Koi didn't have to look down at them to know that delightful fact. And without looking, Koi already knew what was beneath them. He knew because...for the last couple of years, he'd see the light scars from the last time. And he remembered those scars because...

He closed his eyes at those thoughts. He wasn't ready for them. Not yet. He could barely remember how the hell he'd gotten to this room...this bed. But he knew, without a doubt. He'd put himself here. He'd done it before. And with a sour smirk, he couldn't help but wonder if this was the same room they'd put him in the last time. His mother, ever the concerned parent/mom-ager had "insisted" (paid off) with most of the staff that he had his own room. Hell, if it was possible, he'd have had his own ward. Anything to keep the Kidd name out of the paper. Anything to keep her "fuck up" of a son and his shitty suicide attempts secret. Covered up. Hush-hush. And she was pretty damn good at it, too. She threw NDAs around like fucking beads during Mardi Gras. All of him...just for him. Her son, the fuck up.

"I'm fine..." He insisted quickly, his hand raising to stop her from fucking coddling it. Not because he didn't want it. Because at that moment, all he wanted was for her to ...hold him. But...he didn't deserve it.

"Seriously...calm down. Shit..." He grimaced at how harsh his words were. He looked at her, his eyes still squinted against the burning at his wrists. Against the sharp, irritating thrum of his headache at his temples. Against the fucking shame...

"I'm sorry..." He spat quickly, coughing to clear his throat again. "I'm sorry. I'm just-" He licked his dry lips as he tried to sit up more in the hospital bed. As he tried to get comfortable when the last thing he deserved was comfort.

"Where's..." He started, his voice like gravel. Where was who? His family? His friends? All the people he fucked over ONCE AGAIN with his stupidity? His words fell quiet as he exhaled.





it's gonna get difficult to stand,
but hold your balance...

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[*] posted on 23-8-2019 at 04:25 PM


He said he was fine, but she felt him wince as he waved her off. He heard the irritation in his voice as he told her to calm down. She smirked. Anywhere else, her reaction would have been different. Koi knew it, a quick apology following his outburst. He didn't need to apologize. It didn't matter. She was just happy he was talking. Her lips fell to his forehead in a kiss that reminded her of how she checked his temperature when he was a boy. It lingered just long enough for her to feel some of the warmth returning to him after some cold, cold days. He was talking.

Where's...she pulled away from him then, taking the water off his nightstand and pouring him a cup. He never finished his question, a sigh ending what she knew he wanted to know.

"Well, Dhonny was just here about 20 minutes ago-," she handed him the cup and watched as he sipped, "Slow, baby..." she smiled again as he looked at her with the eyes that said he had it and continued. "He has his senior recital today so he had to leave, but he said he and Miyu would be in the morning." That was nice, but it wasn't who he was asking about...

"Devyn...has been with your sister since...the incident-," she trailed off, unsure of how much he remembered. Did he know Eri was the one that...he didn't need the details now. "She calls every hour or two to check in, but I asked her to keep Eri home." She watched his face fall and her half smile faltered in turn. "Now that you're up though, once you're feeling up to it, I'm sure they'll both be knocking down the door to see you, Sweets."

She kissed him again, taking his now empty cup and refilling it. Silently willing him to say something. Anything.




I was a heavy heart to carry but, he never let me down.
When he held me in his arms my feet never touched the ground.
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[*] posted on 25-8-2019 at 06:21 AM


And even though he hadn't finished his question, his Moms already knew the words that his sigh replaced. She could lowkey read his mind, which was why he could barely keep the relief off of his face as she poured him a cup of water and spoke the names that Koi was thinking of the most. The names he was almost nervous to hear. He sipped...more like poured the water down his scratchy, parched throat.

Dhonny and Miyu. They'd been by...right before he'd woken up. He'd missed them. Dhonny had his senior recital (which Koi was supposed to be attending had he not fucked everything to hell) and Miyu was probably preparing for hers if she hadn't had it already...and he was missing it. Just like he'd probably missed most of his finals. Just like he'd missed Senior Skip Day (he did that almost every week so he wasn't missing much). And just like...he'd missed prom.

And like his mother was mind reading again, she mentioned the names that made his "almost nervousness" turn into straight up disgust. And anger. And disappointment. Devyn and Eri. His babes. The one who had his heart and the little girl that made it beat. He cleared his throat again...but this time, it was keep the thick feeling that was taking it over, filling it, nearly overwhelming him at bay. He couldn't even begin to think how Devyn and Eri were...dealing with this. With him. Someone was always having to "deal" with him. His mistakes. The drugs. The anger. The fucking culmination of it all. And neither of them deserved it. Devyn had deserved to go to prom. She deserved a night without drama...without him fucking everything up. And Eri...well, she deserved a brother that wasn't a fucking mess...

Koi's eyes were downcast as he played with the gauze on his right wrist, picking at it. He was glad. Glad Devyn could be what he couldn't be. Glad she could be the sister that Eri needed. Glad she was protecting her...from him.

"When...can I see them?" He asked that question slowly, his mother pecking him lightly on the top of his head.

"I mean...I get it. Eri probably shouldn't see me like this." She shouldn't have to see her brother on the other side of a suicide attempt. She'd missed seeing him through bars and his almost overdoses. Thankfully...

"I'm just glad she didn't see..." He stopped short again...sniffling as forced the words...and the tears down his swollen throat.





it's gonna get difficult to stand,
but hold your balance...

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[*] posted on 25-8-2019 at 08:37 AM


Fumie didn't have to read his mind. His emotions were written all over his face. The disappointment in missing his friend mere minutes ago, the realization that he had missed a lot more in his time here, the most important even being prom. His connecting that in his head to Devyn, and his subsequent shame as Fumie mentioned she and Eri. She watched him feel all of those things at once and felt the worry building in her the same way it had after the last time they did this.

Koi's first attempt had been a lot of the same. The cuts weren't as deep and Fumie had gotten to him sooner, but everything else was his M.O. She remembered the blame and guilt he shared with her. She remembered holding him through the crying spells and giving him just enough space when he lashed out. She remembered promising him that things would get better...they obviously hadn't.

So yes, she could guess what he wanted to her and she knew, as his mother, what he needed to her. Where he was now, telling him Eri had refused to visit once most of the tubes and machines were gone was only going to hurt him. Telling him his father hadn't done more than return her call with a text was only going to make him shit on himself the way Shemar did. She also knew promising he would see Devyn or Eri anytime soon was going to be a stretch.

"Why don't we play that by ear, baby? You just woke up. Let's see what the doctors say and get a few outpatient things in order then see where we are." Her voice was gentle. He knew all too well what she meant by outpatient. And Fumie knew all too well that he would not be happy about the prospect of spending his summer in some facility being forced to talk about his feelings. They'd been here before...He needed to know that was the reality though.

Fumie winced as he mentioned his relief at Eri not seeing...this. She paused. She didn't know what to say to that. What could she? Because the truth was Eri saw him first. She stood frozen as she watched Zo pull him from the water. She didn't blink as Fumie frantically tried to wrap his wrists in whatever was nearby to stop the bleeding. Truthfully, Fumie wasn't sure Eri had blinked since. She knew she hadn't spoken...Fumie wouldn't either.

As if God knew she was out of words and on the verge of the tears she was trying to hide from her son, there was a knock on the door.

"I'm hearing more than one voice in here-," Doris. The sweetest nurse and a welcome reprieve. She pushed the door open, entering as she finished, "How are we feeling?" Fumie smiled before turning her attention back to Koi.

"I'm gonna let her check you out, Sweets and I'll be right outside. I want to let people know you're awake."




I was a heavy heart to carry but, he never let me down.
When he held me in his arms my feet never touched the ground.
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[*] posted on 26-8-2019 at 04:01 PM


Play it by ear? What did that even mean? Koi rolled his eyes, his fingers picking at the bandage on his wrist again as he thought about his mother's words. It wasn't like he was scheduling brunch with his friends. Not that it was her fault, but the way she'd talked about him facing the people in his life that mattered the most seemed way too simple. Way too easy. Like it would be easy to talk to them after...what he'd done. What he wasn't able to do...like keep it together long enough to make it through their prom night. Through Devyn's prom night. No, this would be hard. Probably the fucking hardest thing he'd had to do in awhile. Harder than getting his grades up, harder than putting in work on the court during scouting season. WAY harder than telling Devyn that, after denying it forever, that he loved her. Because when he talked to them this time...how the fuck would he explain what'd he done? How the hell did he explain...trying to kill himself?

"I get it, mom." He muttered, avoiding her eyes as his nearly filled with tears. The silence that grew around them was uncomfortable, caused him to shift in his bed. The pain from the headache that throbbed in his head was growing and the silence seemed to add to its quiet, incessant pulse...

Then he heard a knock at the door. His body tensed for a moment before he realized it was only an overly cheery nurse coming to check on him, the suicide attempt. The smile was pasted on her round face was almost as annoying as the fluffy white kittens on her top. Koi would call it "Kittens doing the fucking most for hospital wear, on faded ass hospital scrubs".

"We? I'm pretty sure I'm the one in the hospital bed..." Koi bit, his growl met with a firm look from his mother.

"We're peachy..." He answered as his mother turned to him, informing him that she'd give him a bit of privacy and let people know he was officially awake. Let people know... He barely nodded as she walked out the room, her fingers already selecting the numbers of his loved ones to dial. To let them know that the fuck up was conscious. To let them know that "their little problem" was still alive and well.


___________________________


"Okay! I think that's all the blood I'll need for now. I'll go and get your mother..." Doris (who was nicer than she should've been considering what a shit Koi had been to her when she walked in) said, her hand meeting Koi's shoulder quickly.

"And I'll get you some liquid lunch, okay? I know your throat's probably feeling a little sore..." She wasn't wrong. Even answer the simple questions she'd had for him irritated it enough for him to ask for another cup of water and resort to nods and head shakes for the reminder of the conversation.

"Thank you..." Koi barely whispered before clearing his throat again.

He watched her walk out of the room, the door closing behind her silently. And there it was again. The quiet. Seeping in from everywhere. From under the door cracks. Through the vents. The soundlessness of it all hugging him uncomfortably. Leaving him with...nothing but his thoughts. Thoughts that he wasn't ready to hear yell out at him in the silence. Thoughts that made him shut his eyes, lay back on his pillow and grit his teeth against the yells of rage that wanted to stream out from behind them.





it's gonna get difficult to stand,
but hold your balance...

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[*] posted on 27-8-2019 at 04:09 PM


__________________________

There were 36 full hours between when she got the call and now...He's awake...That's what Fumie said when she called. Not hello. She didn't ask about Eri. She said "he's awake" and then cried on the phone for a solid few minutes. Devyn didn't interrupt. She just let her...cry. She wondered while she waited what kind of tears they were. Were they tears of joy? Her first born was going to be alright and that was great...or maybe they were the guilty tears each of them had cried that one time they talked about their roles in Koi's...incident. That's what Fumie was calling it. An incident. Just a thing that happened. A passing occurrence. Devyn didn't see it like that. This was Koi's decision.

She had gone through so many emotions in the last week. Grief, anger, doubt, fear, hopelessness...She had done her best not to let Eri see it, but she had been all of these things at some point. Sometimes all at once. The first night, when she took Eri home with her to her aunt's place because Eri couldn't go home--she literally screamed at the suggestion; the first (and only) noise she made all night--Devyn let herself grieve. He was stable when they left the hospital, but things changed. She tried to let herself lose him in the hopes that when it actually happened it wouldn't hurt as much. She and Eri cuddled in her bed and each of them cried themselves to sleep, wordlessly.

A lot of their time together had been wordless. As things got better with Koi over time, Devyn tried to offer more support to Eri. She encouraged her to eat (she wouldn't). Tried getting her to engage by taking her to the beach, or the movies, or the museum she liked in Midtown (she didn't). The most Eri had done with her brother in this hospital was cough and honestly...Devyn got it. None of it felt like there was any point anymore. She was numb.

Devyn assumed that was why when Fumie called and told her Koi was awake, her response had been a simple "okay". It was an odd thing to say. Just "okay". She didn't know what to say then and as she knocked and gently pushed open his room door, she wasn't sure what she would say now either.




I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
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[*] posted on 18-10-2019 at 09:32 AM


The snippets of sound from each barely audible channel Koi flipped through were the background noise of his "numb". No, it wasn’t his usual numb. It was different this time. Like loudness of a too quiet room. The kind of numb that left you open on all sides. And that was nothing like the numb that got him here, in this fucking bed. In this hospital. Alone. Koi could be real with himself about everything in that moment. He’d been…back for almost two days and...he was alone. The only person he'd seen since waking up was his mom and Zori. No Dhonny. No Miyu. And even worse, no Eri...and no Devyn. Could he blame them though? The easy answer was “no”. He didn’t blame them from staying away from him. He was a fucking mess. Not that he couldn’t see that before, but now? There was no lying about it anymore. He’d fucked prom. He’d fucked the end of the year. He’d fucked their lives. And there wasn’t a lie he could tell himself to ignore the truth in his thoughts. Not even the muffled sounds from the television could mute that truth…

He blinked slowly, as he heard the knock on the door, his brow furrowing. Doris was back again? She’d just taken his vitals and stuck the veins in his right arm to death collecting blood samples, what the hell else was there to take?

“I mean, by now you could just come in without knocking, Doris.” He closed his eyes as he exhaled slowly, readying himself for the next round of “poke and prod” that was about to go down on his other arm. His palm met the stubbled cheek as he rubbed it roughly.

“You practically live here now anyw-” His words stopped as he opened his eyes, his gaze landing on the opened door...and Devyn, lingering in the doorway. Everything stopped. The noise in the hallway. The murmuring of the television. Hell, his fucking heart almost stopped when he saw her. Standing there. He bit his lip, ignoring the flush of his cheeks as surprise and a shitload of embarrassment fell over him.

“Dev…” He practically whispered.

“Hey...you...come in.” He stuttered, propping himself up in the bed.





it's gonna get difficult to stand,
but hold your balance...

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[*] posted on 18-10-2019 at 11:45 AM


She did not know if it was real or imagined, but she heard him speak and she felt a pressure that started in her stomach and swam to her chest before lodging in her throat. She couldn't speak. Not that she had to. He was talking a lot to a person named Doris who was apparently here a lot more often than he liked. Had this been a different place, a different time, another...situation, she might have made a joke about Doris and who she was which would have turned into playful banter about a threesome that turned into...but that wasn't who they were anymore.

Devyn lingered, halfway in and halfway out of his room. She didn't...she didn't know how to be here. She didn't know what to say or do. Things were different now, but should she act normal? Could she? She wasn't sure, but as she watched his wrapped wrist reach up to rub the stubble on his face and his eyes finally found hers she smiled. Her hands immediately covered her face as she slid the rest of the way into his room and closed the door, leaning against it as she slid to the ground. She didn't think this would happen. She was crying.

She took a deep breath and collected herself, wiping her eyes, grateful that she didn't know what make-up even was these days. She pushed back up from the floor to stand and weirdly laughed a little. What the fuck? "I'm sorry. That was weird." It really, really was. "I'm so happy to see you."

She really, really was.




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[*] posted on 18-10-2019 at 03:02 PM


It was Devyn. Devyn was at his door, standing in the doorway...looking at him. His Devyn...she was here. The empty numb that had settled around him since he'd been awake trembled, attempting to loosen itself. Trying to disappear. But it couldn't, not quite yet. Not as she stood there, staring at him. He couldn't read her face and he was sure his was as equally confused as hers, unsure of what to say. What to do...now that they were back together after what seemed like far too long. He'd missed her. In the absence...in the dark...he'd missed her. And as he looked at the smile forming on her lips, he knew. She'd missed him too. The corners of his lips lifted as much as they could before...

...before her face crumpled, a sob escaping her as her hands flew to cover the tears that Koi knew were about to come. She closed the door and slid to the floor, her body heaving from the force of her tears. Koi felt his eyes burn immediately, not noticing that his fingers had unintentionally began to move from the wires attached to him, the tubes in his arms, the sheets covering his legs. They pulled at anything that he had to removed to get him to her faster.

"Dev..." he muttered, his voice rough with the guilt that had been rising to the surface. It was fully there now. Out in the open. On his face. In his movements...his legs almost swinging over the side of the bed as he noticed she was collecting herself, wiping her eyes.

I'm sorry. That was weird.

"Don't do that..." No, apologies weren't for her. Not for crying. Not for losing it after everything that Koi had put her through in the past days. What he'd put everyone through. She couldn't help it. He was the reason why this had happened. And even after everything he'd done...everything...she was still happy to see him.

"I'm..." He paused, straining to keep the words he'd really wanted to say inside. The words that he should've said to her, his family, his other friends...

I'm sorry...

"...I'm glad to see you too, babe." He choked out, grimacing as he looked away from her.

"Come here..."





it's gonna get difficult to stand,
but hold your balance...

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[*] posted on 18-10-2019 at 04:03 PM


She was so happy to see him. It was overwhelming seeing someone you'd written off as...he wasn't supposed to be here. Devyn had spent everyday since his first day in this hospital telling herself that this was it. Koi was gone and she could add him to a long list of people who left her. Koi was supposed to be dead and he wasn't supposed to be here and yet...he was. Koi was here and he was fine and she was overwhelmed by it. In that moment, hearing him call to her as she collapsed under the weight of so many emotions at once, only one bubbled to the top. She was filled with relief.

Don't do that...

No. She was making it weird. The crying, the laughing, it was all...strange. But this was strange. He knew that right? He had to. She still wasn't sure what to say and she still hadn't moved from her spot by the door, but...she was supposed to be here. She wanted to be. This morning, when she told Eri she was going to see him, neither of them said it, but both of them knew...She didn't want to do it. This morning, the emotion she felt the most was disappointment and she didn't know if she wanted to look that in the face. Fumie had warned her he might be...agitated. Devyn had heard it in his snide comments to Doris...

She hadn't known this morning if she would be able to keep her cool with that in what he'd done. But now...here, with him? She didn't care about that. All she knew and all she cared about was that he was still here. The rest they could figure out later.

Come here...

Of course. Without thinking her feet moved to his bedside. She chuckled a little, "The last time you and I were in a hospital together, you had just fought your best friend over your "not" girlfriend." She smiled at him as she cupped his face with one hand. He was hot. She let her hand trail down his neck coming to rest on his chest. Devyn closed her eyes and let his heart beat under her hand. He was really here. She sighed the relief she felt, her eyes finding him again.

"I missed you, baby."




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[*] posted on 19-10-2019 at 08:33 AM


She missed him. After everything...all of it. All of the shit he’d put her through now...then… Derrick. Taylor. The drugs...the drinking...all of it. She still MISSED him. And he didn’t have to see her face to know that she meant what she was saying. The way her hand went to his heart, just to trust the fact that it was still beating, that he was still here. The way she smiled at him. Even joking with him about the shit person he’d been to her the last time she’d entered his room at this fucking hospital. With all of that behind them and everything still in front of them, she still missed him.

...and he didn’t deserve it. And part of him wanted to tell her so. He wanted to push her hand away, tell her to get away from him while she still could. While she had the rest of her life to live without him. To do BETTER than him…

“I missed you too...so much.” But he couldn’t tell her that. Because more than that voice that whispered at her from inside him, his heart spoke ten times louder...and he loved her. He needed her. He couldn’t do any of...this...without her. Even when “this” was him sitting in a hospital bed, feeling more shame than he ever had before.

“And the nerve of you…” He joked as he softly grabbed the hand on his chest, brought it to his lips and kissed her skin.

“Walking in here looking amazing and I look like shit.” He chuckled as he pulled her to him, shifting in the bed so she could lay with him. He wasn’t lying. Even though she looked incredibly tired and her eyes were red from what he knew were tears over him, he didn’t want to stop looking at her face. Her round cheeks that dimpled, her beautiful mocha-colored skin, and that big ass hair. He smiled as he picked at her gelled baby hair, which she hated.

“You really do look amazing…” He’d already said that, so she probably knew that by now. But the truth was that was all he felt safe saying. If he said anything else, like “how was Mr. Murray’s history final?” or “so, Dhonny and Miyu killed at their Senior recital, right?” it would make the fact that he hadn’t been there to see any of it real. That he’d missed it because he’d been...away. Fuck. He couldn’t even fix his damn mouth to say it yet. The “it” that eventually was going to come up and make he and Devyn’s reunion a hell of a lot more uncomfortable...





it's gonna get difficult to stand,
but hold your balance...

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Devyn
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[*] posted on 19-10-2019 at 10:05 AM


They did this a lot. The drama and the emotions. The silence. There would be more of it today. She could tell. She watched him bite back the "L-word" as he told her he'd missed her. Something they were always able to say to one another. Love had always been harder for the two of them. He didn't say it now and she knew why; it was maybe for the same reason she hadn't either...The reason that was making itself very apparent the more Devyn thought about the ups and downs of their relationship...

But now wasn't the time for that talk. Maybe it wasn't time to talk at all. She didn't want to tell him about what he missed because that would mean acknowledging that he'd...been missing. Hell, she couldn't fill him in on much anyway seeing as she'd only made pitstops to class for finals and then been back home with Eri for...how long had he even been here? It felt like decades...It didn't matter. Especially not as he joked with her, his lips meeting her hand as he told her she looked amazing. Ha. Okay, sure.

She giggled with him as he pulled her into bed next to him. Devyn was careful as she took her usual position with him, her leg going across his waist as she rested her head on his chest...It felt normal. Right. Even here in the confusion of...all of it. Being with Koi felt right. Even as he picked at her baby hair which he knew she hated, she swatted at his hand and giggled as if it was all normal...You really do look amazing. Sure she did. Sleeplessness looked great on everyone didn't it? She didn't respond, but she stretched a bit, her fingers pulling his chin toward her face so that they could kiss. She pecked him. Once. Then again. And it felt...

"I love you-," she lingered, her eyes fixed on his as she spoke. "I love you, Koi which is why we don't have to talk...today." But they did have to talk. He needed to know that up front. They were good at silence. Avoidance. Both of them. This couldn't be avoided though and he needed to know that.

"Today all I want is for you to be here. With me."




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[*] posted on 19-10-2019 at 02:55 PM


And just like that, things felt...better. Not right. And they definitely weren't fixed. But with Devyn beside him, her head on his chest, his arm going around her waist, his fingers pressing against her skin, it wasn't as bad as it had been before. The numb was dissipating and he felt like...he could breathe without it hurting again. He'd smiled a real smile at the sound of her laughter as she swatted his hand away and then...

...she kissed him. And he felt like he had to remember it. He had to remember how his lips curved around hers. How it felt to fall into her. How it felt for it to just be them. And for a second, for one stupid moment...it felt like they were in his room. On his bed. They'd just gotten done watching one of her stupid shows that he didn't give a shit about. But he watched them because it made her happy and it meant that he could be with her.

And then there were the tubes running out of his arm. There was the antiseptic smell of the hospital. There were his wrapped wrists...

I love you- He was back with her in his hospital, all of the shit they'd seen in the weeks before back in the room...making a space between them that he couldn't ignore. Especially with Devyn's words. She didn't want to talk about...things today. Which was fine with Koi. Because he didn't want to talk about "things" at all. He just wanted... he just...

He wanted to be there with her. That was it. Not "for now". For good. He wanted to erase the shit they'd seen...the shit he'd done. To them and to himself. He wanted to forget.

"I love you, Dev." He whispered, his lips meeting her forehead as silence fell between them, his eyes staring straight ahead. The new numb trying to surround him again...





it's gonna get difficult to stand,
but hold your balance...

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