He tasted like she remembered. She knew it was stupid to think anything would be different. It wasn’t as if years had passed or anything. It just
felt that way. She’d missed him. Dev probably hadn’t made it obvious, but avoiding Koi was just as much torture for her as it was for him. She
missed him every second of everyday they didn’t see one another. And she now that they were together? Ugh. Did she have to tell him? To ruin them?
She knew this was going to be the end of what the two of them had and it made her wonder. Was this the last kiss they would ever share?
No. It wasn’t. Koi made sure of that himself, his lips finding hers again after confessing her avoidance in the past weeks. I don’t care.
He didn’t care that they hadn’t spoken for real in what felt like forever. He didn’t care that a countless number of text messages had gone
ignored. All that mattered was that they were there now. They were together and that was all he cared about...It was enough to start the tears. She
wouldn’t let them fall, though. Not yet. She had more to say. And he was willing to listen. Devyn pulled back into her own space, her touch leaving
him as she took a step back. Distance. It was good for them right now. Necessary. Just until she said what she had to say.
“Babe...I’m...I’m late.”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Again, Devyn moved away from him...like being too close to him would keep her from saying everything that she had to say. Koi didn't agree with it,
but he let her slide away from him, the distance setting in that they'd had only moments before. Even though he'd said he didn't care...and he didn't,
that was truth...he couldn't help but feel his stomach lurch at the look on her face. She was...scared. Not nervous. Not angry. She was
actually terrified at something that needed to be said.
I'm late.
Fuck...
And there it was. The secret that had Devyn absent for the past two weeks. The thing that kept them from being who they always were. The fucking
elephant in the fucking room. She was late. Her period had gone AWOL as fuck and she...wait. Fuck. He didn't know what that meant. What the
HELL did that mean? Sex at the gala. Late ass period. His thoughts raced around the truth, skirting that mother fucker like he never wanted to hear
it...never wanted to realize it. Because nothing made sense to him. Not her silence, not even the tears rolling down her cheeks after she'd told him.
Not the deafening silence in the room. And it was crazy because everything sounded like white noise...and yet, he could still hear her calling his
name.
Koi...Koi?
"Yeah?" He answered, his head snapping up to look her in her face. He'd been holding his head, his body barely on balancing on the back of the sofa.
He didn't know how he was still sitting.
"...I-I heard you." He barely got out all of his words before he fell silent again, still trying to figure out what she meant, what THIS meant. No
period. Sex at the fucking gala. No condom. She was-
The secret was out. And as Devyn watched all the color drain from his face she felt the first tear fall. This was it. She didn’t say anything as she
let the information sink in, probably consuming him the way it had when she’d realized the same thing. She was late. Late meant baby and even though
she still wasn’t 100% sure about being…the p-word, it was a real enough fear for her to worry about it. Now at least she wasn’t alone,
she guessed...or was she?
Devyn pulled herself from her thoughts, realizing Koi had yet to say anything to her. His position had changed, his hand coming to hold his head and
seemingly keeping him balanced on the back of that sofa. “K-Koi?” She called out to him, his name shaky on her lips. He didn’t respond and she
tried again. She shouldn’t have. She was pressuring him for a response to a secret even she had yet to really grasp. Late. God, how had
they gotten here? She fucking knew how. They’d been stupid. Careless and stupid. Careless and stupid and now she was late...maybe even…
...Pregnant? Devyn cringed at the word. She hadn’t spoken it for fear she would jinx herself. She didn’t want to be pregnant. She
didn’t want to be here. Telling him this.
“I don’t know. I’ve been scared to take the test-,” her voice was just above a whisper. She almost couldn’t hear herself over the sound of
Koi’s last word echoing in her head. I, um…-,” Devyn took a chance, taking a step closer to him as her hand reached for his. “I wanted you to
be with me when I did.” And all of a sudden, her mind stopped shouting “pregnant” and started begging him not to make her leave. She needed him
right now. He knew that and he’d made a promise.
He’d made a promise.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
He didn't notice it, but he was holding his breath. Waiting. Seconds. Listening for the answer to the question that would change everything for him.
And for her. Shit...for them. Fucking Pregnant? Koi couldn't even ask himself how it had happened as he knew exactly the hell how it
had happened. Asking how he'd gotten his best friend pregnant was like a murderer asking god why the fuck he had gasoline drawers on and the elevator
he was getting on was set to "hell". It was obvious. They'd been stupid. If he hadn't been so scared shitless, he might've laughed. All that fuckin'
finally caught up with them. And now...this? Pregnant? Standing in the pool house that held most of his Pops' secrets and now holding one of his own?
Damn...
I don't know... Okay. She didn't know. A gush of air streamed from Koi's lips as he heard Devyn's answer. How the fuck was "not sure" better
than a yes? Shit, it was today. Because "not sure" meant that he would be buying a pregnancy test instead of definitely buying a cradle.
"Yeah, I feel you." Scared to take the test? He got that. Denial was easier than actually knowing whether they needed to start picking out names...or
planned parenthood clinics. Shit. Was that even an option...if Devyn was pregnant? Koi hadn't thought about it before. How he would respond if one of
his fuck sessions with the girls he'd been with before ended in something more permanent. He was always careful. He wore condoms AND pulled out. And
he would've fuckin' tossed a bitch down the stairs if it would've worked! Girls had tried that shit with him before, but he'd never had a reason to
believe them. Now, he did. He and Devyn were...different. He could count on ONE hand how many times they'd been careful. Sometimes they
forgot. Other times, they remembered but shit just started feeling too good. Now, he couldn't play denial as easy as he could before. This shit was
real. The possibility was real...and decisions that he wasn't even equipped to make would have to be made.
I wanted you to be with me when I did...
Looking up from his lap, his eyes met Devyn's, her hand stretched towards him. A look that he'd only seen a couple times before in her eyes.
Need. She needed him. She was freaked the fuck out and she needed him. He got that too. Mostly because he was in the same place. This shit
scared him. Not...babies, no. He knew about the "birds and the bees" shit. He knew what going into a female raw meant. He just didn't think this would
happen now. Not now. They were seniors. They were starting their lives. They were graduating. And more importantly...They weren't together
They were two friends that fucked up and possibly made a baby. The fuck were they supposed to do with that?
"I-..." He started, his eyes still looking at her hand, which meant way more than support at the moment.
"Yeah." He said, finally reaching out and grabbing her hand. He pulled her to him, his arms wrapping around her waist again. This time, he held her
tighter as she lay in his arms. Pulled her to his chest a little firmer. Tried to find the strenght for both of them to do what they never thought
they'd be doing at eighteen.
Koi’s sigh of relief was contagious. Who would have thought “I don’t know” would have been an answer that elicited feelings of relief? In this
situation it was. Hell, “I don’t know” was better than “yup, it’s yours” anyday. But Devyn wasn’t relieved because of her uncertainty.
She was relieved because he was still here. Koi hadn’t gotten up and walked away. He hadn’t left her to deal with this shit on her own...he
felt her. He was still here. Devyn felt the corners of her lips pull a little at the thought. She couldn’t smile about anything though. Not
until she was sure there was something to really smile about. Not until she knew they wouldn’t be trying to write term papers in between diaper
changes. Fuck.
They were 18. Eighteen. Neither one of them was ready to handle a baby. Sure, Koi was amazing with Eri, but that by no means made him a father. And
Devyn? She loved kids. Kids that weren’t hers. She couldn’t be pregnant. She couldn’t be...they were going to find out for sure
today. Together. She had waited for him. When Miyu gave her the test she had offered to wait while she took it. Devyn told her she couldn’t do it
without Koi and she couldn’t. She didn’t want to. Still didn’t. And she was hoping he didn’t want her to go it alone either.
But her hand had been outstretched for a minute now and he was just...looking at it. He did try to speak but his words caught and nothing came. He
just kept staring...and she still hadn’t put her hand down. She wasn’t going to. Hours could pass. Days. And she wasn’t pulling away from him.
Whatever the outcome, the two of them had made a promise to one another and she wasn’t letting that go. She was here. He should be too…And he was,
a short “yeah” leaving his lips before he pulled her into him. Devyn heard herself whimper into his shirt as she nuzzled even closer. He was here.
The one man in her life who had every reason to run and he stayed. He had her.
“Thank you-,” She whispered it between tears, but that didn’t mean she meant it any less. He was still here and she was grateful.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
There was something about the silence between them as they sat together in the master bedroom of the pool house...staring at nothing, really. Thinking
about everything. They hadn't really said much as the seconds slowly ticked by since Devyn had come out the the bathroom, holding that little white
stick. That fucking stick said it all. It predicted the future. And in the next couple of minutes, it would predict theirs. And Koi still hadn't
figured out if he was ready for what it had to say. Pregnant or not pregnant. Bound to each other by something that they both could've
controlled or...or...free. Well, as free as they could be with something like this in their memory banks. A fucking pregnancy, whether real or
assumed, was something you didn't forget. And Koi never meant for any of this to fucking happen. He was just...they were just having fun.
Shit. And now they were having this. No conversation. No eye contact. Just the silence. And their thoughts.
Koi softly cleared his throat, making the only noise he'd heard in what felt like an hour. His mouth was dry as a damn desert, but water didn't seem
all that important when the next step of his life was counting down on the round wall clock that was hanging over the king sized bed he was sitting on
the end of...next to Devyn. She hadn't moved since she'd laid the test stick on the dresser and took a silent seat next to him. He couldn't help but
sneak a glance at her out of the corner of his eye. Her eyes were wide open, her thoughts probably on display once you looked into them. She took
shallow breaths...when Koi could tell she was breathing. Sometimes it felt like she forgot, her shaky, deep inhales telling that story. Koi bit his
cheek at the sight, his stomach twisting at how stressed she looked. Feeling guilty because he knew it was his fault. Feeling guilty because...he
hadn't done better by her.
"How long?" He asked, his voice soft and strained. "How long did the test say it would take to show results?" A dumb question with an obvious answer.
They'd read the instructions together. But Koi just wanted the silence to stop. it was selfish as fuck but...he just wanted to hear her voice.
In…out...in...out…Every now and again Devyn reminded herself to breathe. Her thoughts were running in so many directions and none of them
were coming up with what she would say to Koi if they found out they were going to be parents. They...Gah! How did she let this happen?! Miyu was
right. She had been so stupid! Countless times she’d let Koi not only raw her, but come inside her. Hell, once or twice she’d even asked
him for it! What the fuck was wrong with her? How did she put herself in this situation? More importantly...how could she put Koi in this situation?
She felt the worst about that. She knew this was the furthest from what he wanted. Over and over while she was peeing on that little white stick, her
brain replaying Koi’s voice at Surfside ...I kinda like this friend thing we're doing. You're good too, right? She wasn’t then...she was
even less so now…
Devyn jumped a bit as Koi cleared his throat, the first sound she had heard from him in the eternal minutes the two of them were sharing as they
waited. It felt...odd. The two of them on a bed and neither of them interested in testing the frame. Things were so...heavy. It was never like this
with them. They were “friends”. They had fun.This was the beginning of a change. There would be no more fun and they probably wouldn’t be
friends either. She’d seen 16 and Pregnant. Those relationships never lasted. Devyn would nag him about stupid shit or start an unnecessary fight
like she usually did, and he would grow tired of her. She was going to have Koi’s kid and he was eventually going to dip out like everyone else...he
would leave…
She could hear him saying something, but his words hadn’t come into focus yet. Devyn was shaking her head no as Koi repeated what she assumed had
been his question. How long would it take? She didn’t know. She couldn’t remember. Yeah, the two of them had read the box together but that seemed
like hours ago…
“It doesn’t matter-,” Devyn heard herself speak as she stood up, a weird kind of energy filling her body. Her voice was back and she was
probably much louder than she meant to be, but she couldn’t change that, “I’m not pregnant. I CAN’T be pregnant, Koi.” She was pacing. Had
she always been this hot? When did anybody turn the volume up on that ticking ass clock?! She stopped, her eyes finding his.
“This isn’t happening to us. We’re going to be fine.”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Would they? They were teenagers. Kids. They didn't know shit about SHIT. At least Koi didn't. So what the hell was he going to do with a
fucking kid? "I CAN'T be pregnant." Ha. He couldn't help wishing that it was that simple. Wishing for an un-pregnancy didn't make it
disappear. If she was, she was. Plain and simple. Whether Devyn wished upon a star or not. This wasn't a damn Disney movie. There didn't have to be a
happy ending for either of them, no matter how much they wanted there to be one. This was reality and it was harsh, cold...fucked. The real
question wasn't what they would do if shit turned out to be positive. The question was would they survive it?
Would they last? That was the part that Koi didn't know anything about. It's what made his throat dry enough with nervousness to have him
mute for the remainder of his damn life. Regardless what the answer on the stick was, what would happen to he and Devyn? Koi had seen it before. When
girls started having conversations like "I'm late..." or "I went to the doctor and...", things got...real. Uncomfortably real. And they
were...friends. Just friends. Hell, Koi knew couples that went through this type of shit and they didn't make it! So what would happen to he
and Devyn? This was over their heads and it added more intense shit to a situation that was already way too complicated to begin with. Koi could admit
that. They had almost figured everything out and gotten to a place where "complicated" started looking a whole lot like "normal". And now this? Devyn
possibly pregnant? It threw more into the situation to deal with. Because it wasn't just "fuck what everyone thinks, it's just us..." anymore. Not if
Devyn was pregnant. "Pregnancy" meant at the very least, one extra person was joining their fucked up situation...
Koi sighed as Devyn spoke, her voice rising an octave from the nervous energy coursing through it. She wanted to believe what she was telling herself,
he knew it. Hey, he wanted to believe it. Maybe more than she did. Because nothing was more devastating to him than making her a mother before she was
ready to be one. Nothing. And he was pretty sure that he wasn't "daddy" material, either. Especially not with the non-example setting asshole he had
for one. He hated his father...so much. But the funny thing? As much as Koi hated him, he couldn't stop mirroring Shemar Kidd's mistakes.
"Hey." He muttered, watching Devyn continue to pace. She was making his already muddled head, heavy. Dizzy. He caught her hand as she crossed his path
again, her body jerking towards him as he pulled her to the bed beside him.
"Sit. You're not doing anything but working yourself up."
They were. They were going to be okay. She would look at that stick in a minute and she would see that she had been all worked up over nothing. That
she didn’t have to come over here and tell him anything. That she was stressed and tired and it was fucking with her cycle in the worst way
possible. They were going to be fine. She wouldn’t accept her life any other way. She had not gotten away from everything that was wrong in her life
to come here and fuck it up...Shit. Shit! She was her mother. She was turning into her unwed teenage pregnancy ass mother. She couldn’t fucking
breathe.
Devyn had taken to pacing again, her thoughts running in a direction that they hadn’t previously. Her family...but more importantly, the fact that
Koi didn’t know any of her family. Sure, he knew Athena and Carter, but he didn’t know her nuclear. He didn’t know her, really. She had
a brother. Had she ever told him that? Had he ever asked? And what about her dad? Koi didn’t know shit all about her father and if she had anything
to do with it, he never would. He would never know about any of it...Was that okay? Was it cool for her to have a baby with a guy who didn’t know
anything about her beyond what the inside of her thighs tasted like?
What was she saying? That wasn’t completely true...was it? Koi knew her well enough. He knew what made her laugh and the things he shouldn’t say.
He knew about what happened to her mom and he knew first hand how she’d reacted. Koi knew her. He knew her like she knew him. And if she thought
about it, she knew him so well because they lived a similar life. He’d picked that up on Valentine’s day. Shit home lives, made that way by even
shittier fathers. He knew her. He knew enough...didn’t he? Damn it! She wasn’t sure about anything right now. All she knew was that she
couldn’t be pregnant and that they were going to be fine...And that she was the only one that was really “worked up” about this.
Her thoughts were halted as Koi’s hand found her wrist and pulled her back to bed. She sat, fighting the urge to stand again. How was he so calm? So
fucking even?! Koi hadn’t stopped talking all soft at her since she told him. This wasn’t shit a normal guy would have been as calm about. She
might be having a kid. His kid. That didn’t scare him shitless?
“Looks like I’m the only one-,” she replied, her words having a little more bite than she meant them to. She shook her head clear. She hadn’t
meant that. She was sure he was freaking out too. He was trying. As usual, Koi was being a good guy and she was being a complete bitch to him. Her
feelings weren’t the only ones that mattered here and in the whole time they’d been in that pool house she hadn’t one asked him about them.
“I’m sorry kid. I didn’t mean that…” Her hand found his and their fingers intertwined. “I’m on edge a little bit, bae and I haven’t
even asked how you’re...are you okay?”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Really? Koi's brow furrowed at Devyn's quick, irritated rebuttal. She was the only one in this situation getting worked up? Not fucking
likely. Did she not get what this situation meant? Of course she did. She was pacing a moat in the plush carpet that lined the bedroom floor. And
whether she believed it or not, Koi would've been pacing a goddamn canyon right along with her if it wasn't for the...guilt. The guilt had him stuck
to the side of the bed like a statue. All he could do was stare...and blink when his eyes got blurry. And stare again. And think. His thoughts were
the worst and honestly? He could've done without them. This, in some way, was entirely his fault. Devyn looking like she was a second away from a
stroke. Messing her fucking life because he wanted what he wanted. Not even giving her what she wanted and making her settle for less for reasons that
she didn't even really understand. Koi wasn't blind to the shit he was doing. He knew. And that guilt made him root to the spot while she felt
everything, showed everything she was feeling. Koi didn't...because he didn't think he deserved to feel shit. He couldn't panic. He couldn't cry. He
couldn't count his breaths. He had to keep her grounded because all of this shit here? His fault. You don't get to feel the world crumble when you're
the one stomping on it.
"Devyn..." He said, his voice breaking through the quiet after her words. He looked up at her with the pain from her words etched across his face. He
didn't blame her for what he said. His "collected front" was probably annoying the shit out of her in ways he couldn't understand. But her words still
hurt. And she knew they did, her apology coming after he called her name.
"Yeah...you did." He nodded his head before he looked at his lap again. "You meant it. It's okay." Her hand touched his and he immediately let her
fingers fall in between his.
"I'm..." He started, his words falling into another silence. He didn't think it mattered how he felt. He felt like shit. He felt like he didn't
deserve her concern. He felt like...
She was already doing it. She was pushing him away and they weren’t even sure about the kid yet. They could not have this baby. If it was real and
she was pregnant, a baby was going to rip them apart. It already was. Devyn frowned, regretting her words as soon as she heard them leave her
mouth. She wasn’t even sure why she said it. Yeah, him acting like this didn’t phase him was pissing her clean off. Especially because it was
making her feel like she was a nut for being afraid, but surely Koi was in this panic boat with her. He was no more ready than she was, but he was
being...the only level headed one in the room. She was so fucking immature. Yet another reason she wasn’t ready to be anybody’s mother.
She heard Koi call her name and saw the hurt in his face as she apologized. She hadn’t meant to do that. She wasn’t trying to make him feel like
the level of shit she felt like for doing this to him in the first place. “I didn’t mean it, babe. I swear I didn’t-,” She could see he
wasn’t as strong as he was pretending to be. Pretending for her. Something she hadn’t even bothered to take note of because she was so into her
own selfish feelings. That ended now.
Devyn asked about how he was doing and listened as Koi struggled to lie to her. Fine? He was fine? Really? Devyn sighed as the reason why he was lying
threatened to slap her across the face. It’d been a whisper in the back of her mind since she told him, but she had been extremely selfish. Koi
needed her too. She had pretended that she was the only one feeling this, but that was bullshit. Koi was struggling with it too…
“Kid you don’t have to do that. You’re not fine...At least, you shouldn’t be…-” she paused her words catching in her throat. She should
have gotten this out already. He should have already known. “I’m tripping you up...You’re being scouted and you have shit going for you and here
I am fucking tripping you up. I’m so sorry Koi...I didn’t meant it…”
She really didn’t mean for any of this.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
I'm fine. That was it. That was all Koi had to say about the situation. Even if it wasn't true and even though he was cracking apart faster
than he could keep the damn pieces of himself together...he was fine. He would be fine for her. He would keep telling himself for the seconds that
they sat there together, waiting for that damn stick to predict the rest of their lives that he was "okay". And no matter what it said, he'd hold it
together...for her. He'd do the shit for her that he never could before. Think about her first. He'd do what he needed to do for her because
he owed it to her. If that meant being the strongest thing in the room while she lost it for a moment, he could do that. Just as long as it meant that
this guilty weight on his chest would...go away. But he knew it wouldn't. No matter what the stick said, the guilt was there to stay. I had been there
for awhile, in the background. While the sex was good and the time they spent together as "friends" was what he wanted, he still felt...off about it.
And the conversation with Derrick let him know why. Shit had gotten "emotional". It'd gotten deep. It wasn't just about being inside of her anymore.
It wasn't about having the best of both worlds and feeling like "hot shit" because he got one of the baddest girls at King's...shit, on of the baddest
PERIOD, to let him have her with no strings attached. Not anymore. They had secrets now. They'd been through things together and it wasn't superficial
anymore. There was nothing surface about holding someone after their mother died. Or them holding you after your empty, oblivious mother turns you
away for the hundredth time so she can keep being numb and ignore your pain. Or you're sitting next to each other, waiting to know what the rest of
your lives will be like. No. it wasn't superficial anymore. And that...made the guilt and the fear eat away at Koi like never before.
You're not fine... With a deep sigh, he shook his head and pulled his hand away from hers. Of course he wasn't. She...fuck, they might have
been pregnant. And the clock was ticking away at their futures, laughing at them because of how stupid they'd let themselves be. They had too much
time. Too much time to sit and think about the shit they should've done. About the shit that should've been important while they were too busy fucking
each other? Why hadn't he strapped up? Why had she let him raw her as many times as she had? Why didn't he ask her if she was on the pill? Why hadn't
they cared enough to know that THIS would happen when he stayed cummin' inside of her like she was "wifey". But there would never be a "wifey"
because...fuck. All these damn...thoughts. No. He wasn't "fine".
"Don't..." He interrupted her apology. Was she really doing that? Was she taking the blame? No. HE was being scouted? HE had an entire life in front
of himself? Fuck that! She had shit to look forward to! Devyn had so many scholarships coming her way that Koi'd lost count. She was smart. Like
"smart" smart. The shit she said to him had him thrown sometimes. And she wanted more than to be pregnant in her prom dress. She wanted to go to
prom. She wanted that cap and gown. And all Koi did was fuck that up for her.
"...don't do that. Don't sit here and act like you don't have shit going for you, too." He put his face in his hands again, another sigh escaping
him.
He didn’t have to lie to her. It was okay for him to not be fine. She wasn’t either. She was barely keeping it together, a fact she was sure
she’d made obvious with her pacing and ridiculous outbursts. She was just feeling so many things at once she didn’t know how to keep most of them
in. She was angry and disappointed in herself. So fucking disappointed. She never should have let this happen. Koi had made himself completely clear
when they started all this how he felt and would always feel about “them”. There wasn’t a “them” outside of their friendship. There wasn’t
a “them” that was supposed to be making decisions like blue wallpaper or pink in the nursery. They weren’t and never would be a couple. It was a
fact Devyn told herself she was fine with...Looked like the both of them were lying about being fine…
Dev called him on it, frowning as he pulled his hand away from hers. She just wanted him to know that this wasn’t totally on him. She wanted him to
know that she knew how big her fuck up was. There was no reason she shouldn’t have demanded he strap up. There was no reason she should have been
letting him come inside of her. Sure, he could have wanted these things for himself, but he was a man. Devyn didn’t blame him...She blamed herself.
And all she wanted to do was apologize for it. She was tripping him up. The kid liked to think he was the ultimate fuck up, but if there was
one thing he knew, it was basketball. He was good at it. So good that people took note. The kid had a full ride to any Division 1 school of his choice
off talent alone. Sure, Dev helped keep him from falling below a C in most classes, but they both knew that wouldn’t matter for shit. He was going
pro. It was just a matter of time. If Devyn was pregnant, there were so many other matters he’d have to consider before taking any offers. She
didn’t want that.
Koi had been stuck for too long. Stuck with his shitty parents. Stuck listening to his da pump his head full of bullshit. He was graduating. He had an
out…She was tripping him up. It was a thought that made her want to cry every time it came to her. She was tripping Koi up with this
completely avoidable bullshit and she was...sorry. Everything in her wanted him to know that she hadn’t done this on purpose. Sure, there were other
girls that knew his future too. They would have done some shit like this on purpose...Devyn wasn’t doing that. The guilt she was feeling over this
was threatening to crush her and the only way she could think to get rid of it was to apologize for doing this to him. He didn’t want to hear it.
She sighed as he did, standing again. She wasn’t trying to fight with him and that’s what this was about to turn into. She wouldn’t say
anything. She was just going to put distance between them. Maybe that was what they needed anyway. Distance. Not just now, but for a while maybe...She
didn’t know. Was it time to check on this test yet? She wasn’t sure. She didn’t remember how much time it needed and she wasn’t sure how much
time had passed with she and Koi being depressed and regretful. She just wanted to know. Closing the small distance between herself and the dresser
Devyn’s breath stopped as she stared down at the stick.
Results were in...
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Over it. He was over all of this. The quiet that he and Devyn had let settle between them had made him nervous. And now the conversation they were
having was making him feel guilty as fuck. It was a damn rollercoaster of emotions in that bedroom and Koi was sort of sick of it. Mainly he was just
tired of feeling it all. Guilt, nervousness, angry, sad, pensive. Tired. He was damn tired. He hadn't felt this much from anything or anyone
outside of the drama from his parents. And that was enough. All of this was supposed to be painless. But none of it was. THIS wasn't. Listening to
Devyn blame herself no matter what he told her was painful. Feeling the way he did because he finally saw himself for the selfish fuck that everyone
else saw him for was painful. He never wanted this. It was supposed to be simple. But then again, when was anything in his life simple? He knew people
who would've killed to be who he was. To have what he had. But then, when you got behind the curtain and saw the real freakshow that was behind it,
anyone wanting Koi Kidd's life was laughable. He smoked, sniffed and swallowed enough to make him a walking vegetable and yet, he fucking woke up
every morning. He stayed away from anything that would've been healthy because just like his father, he knew he'd fuck it up. He lived life
fast...only because he knew life was a dick and he was the fucking pussy. Life fucked you. Just like it was fucking him now. And then...Devyn. He
couldn't even put into words how much he'd sabotaged her. Beautiful, intelligent, funny as fuck...amazing. And yet, her legs stayed open to a fuck up
like him.
Quiet fell between them again, their argument the same. They blamed themselves only to keep from blaming each other. Koi couldn't help but wonder...if
the stick said "you're fucked", how long would it take them to start blaming each other. It was real cute right now, both of them trying to take the
blame from the other. But when what they thought because what was, what would they say then? Would she finally tell him how much of a waste he was for
her? Would he finally tell her how he'd never love her, despite them sharing a baby? She'd slap him. He'd hit her. They'd ignore each other for nine
months and then settle the shit out of court. He'd pay child support and maybe see the baby on the weekends. Devyn would talk about her "ain't shit"
baby daddy and hate Koi for life.
He scoffed quietly at the shit life that played in his head. There wasn't a "first round draft pick" for him or a cute little boutique somewhere in
Cali where Devyn did her thing. There wasn't a happy ending. Not when Koi ruined her life. Which was what he was sure he would do if that fucking
stick read "pregnant".
His thoughts slowed as he watched Devyn stand up again, her nerves probably making her more restless than before. His eyes didn't leave her as she ran
her fingers through her hair, her steps slowing at the dresser...where the test sat.
"Dev." Koi called out to her. They should've looked together...but she'd already looked at the stick...her eyes already looking at the results. Koi
swallowed hard as he stood, his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants. His feet moving him towards her before he could think whether it was best if
he just...stood back. Stayed away.
She wanted to scream. She wanted to dance. She wanted a DRINK! Devyn felt her lips pull at the corners as she picked up the stick to make sure she
hadn’t passed out from stress and this wasn’t a dream. But it wasn’t. Right there in the little display box. The magic words that unlocked their
freedom. Not Pregnant. It was literally the best news she’d gotten in her entire life...so why didn’t it really feel that way? Behind
being completely overjoyed that she hadn’t fucked over both of their lives, she still felt the guilt. Why? She’d been right. Everything
was fine. She wasn’t having a baby, they wouldn’t have to rearrange their lives around playdates and diaper changes, they could go back to it just
being them. Everything could go back to normal ...right? Somehow it didn’t feel that way. She was sure neither of them would mention it, but nothing
was how it had been anymore. They’d reached a whole new level of complicated, baby or not…
Shit! She hadn’t said anything to Koi yet. Turning to face him, Devyn allowed herself to smile. “I’m not pregnant-,” Devyn heard herself
giggle a little before she said it again. “I’m not pregnant, Koi.” There was something magical about saying it out loud. She couldn’t stop.
She said it again, “No baby. No figuring out who’s going to watch him while I go to class. None of that...I’m not fucking pregnant, Koi!!”
When did she get this hype? The guilt had taken a complete back burner to her excitement. She wasn’t having a baby. She wasn’t having his
baby. Koi would be fine. Dev would be fine. Whether or not they would be fine together remained to be seen, but she at least wasn’t
pregnant!
THE BEST NEWS.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Shit, he could hear his heart beating. Koi literally could hear every thud that it was making against his chest as he watched Devyn hover over that
test stick for what seemed like hours. Why wasn't she saying anything? What did it say?! Her back was turned to him so all could see was how still she
was standing and...fuck. No. Fuck! And there it was. The one thing he was hoping...praying would just NOT happen...happened. He
couldn't say anything. His tongue was as frozen as his feet were. Silence was speaking loud enough in the room. And their fucking fate was sealed.
Just like that? That was it? No compromising? No do-overs? Just...pregnant. His brain was going in fifty different directions as he looked at
Devyn, hoping she'd...cry, scream...move. But she didn't. She was statue-still, looking at that test like she was bargaining with it, trying to make a
deal on nonexistent ears. That was it. It was over. There was nothing to do but...what the fuck were they supposed to do now? Buy carseats and
pampers? Shit. He wanted to call out to her. He wanted to say anything that would make the situation not seem like the end of the world. But there
was no denying the truth.
I'm... She was what? Two seconds from crying? Koi knew what that was like. But he wouldn't let himself do that shit. He could almost hear his
Pops telling him to "man the fuck up", especially since this was all on his head. Especially since this was HIS FAULT. Especially si-
...not pregnant, Koi.
"What?" What did she say? His eyes widened as his feet finally started working and he moved towards her, his eyes falling on the test stick in her
hand. Not Pregnant. A laugh joined Devyn's giggle as she said it again, the repetition sounding like the BEST melody to his ears. He couldn't
listened to that shit on repeat. All day. Not Pregnant.
"Fuck yes." He said quietly, Devyn excitement spreading to him. "HELL YES." He said louder as he laughed again, a shaky breath escaping him as he
backed into the bed and sat on the side of it, his head falling into his hands again. The hell YES. And just like that, a huge weight lifted from him.
He felt pounds lighter. She wasn't pregnant. They weren't pregnant.
"Oh shit. Never again." He said into his hands. "Never a-fucking-gain."
She was too fucking juiced. Mere moments ago she had been trying to think of ways to tell her aunt she would be bringing another mouth to feed into
her home. She didn’t have to do that anymore. She had been thinking about bringing a kid into a world that would only ever know one side of his
family because Dev wouldn’t be sharing him with any of her family. She didn’t have to worry about that. She had been thinking about names and how
she was sure she could only have boys so there was no need to think of girl names. None of that shit mattered anymore because she was NOT PREGNANT!
Tucking her bottom lip between her teeth, she tried to quell her smile as Koi joined in her excitement. This was a much better look for the kid. Devyn
was sure he would start floating with the weight that had just been lifted. She watched him as he backed away, reclaiming his seat on the bed.
Never again… Never again? Devyn felt her brow furrow as her brain started working on what that meant...Never again what? Never again was he
fucking with her? Never again would they be dumb enough to let some shit like this happen? One she could agree with. The other...maybe she was
overthinking things. She usually did. And did it matter? Not even a little. All that she was really worried about was her pregnancy scare being just
that. A fucking scare. The rest of her worries could wait…
Koi wasn’t going anywhere...hopefully.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
What the world was he doing? That was the one thought that Zori couldn't help but have, repeatedly, as he drove through the massive gates
that blocked Bishop's Court off from the rest of the island. Not that Nohealani Bluff was anything like the rest of the island. "Rich" and "affluent"
were two words that were etched in every five-star business, perfectly manicured lawn and breathtaking home that Zori passed on his way to Fumie's
community. He really hadn't thought this...visit through considering that he'd barely known what to do when he got to the gates that separated the
houses...no, mansion from the main road. It had to have been pure, dumb ass luck that who he figured out was Fumie's housekeeper was friendly enough
to let an unknown visitor come right on in. And after a second security stop and the sweepingly long entrance, he was still...driving. Even though it
was a bad idea. Even though that was the last moment he'd had to turn around.
But something wouldn't let him turn around. Maybe it was Fumie's absence from their sessions for the past couple of days which was uncharacteristic.
And maybe it had been the fact that she hadn't called. Not to cancel their sessions. Not to speak to him. Not to...she hadn't called. That worried
him. Not that he should've been worried. She was a busy woman and she had a business, a family and a husband to look after. She didn't have time to
run up after him...the man that she'd nearly...
Zori bit at his lip nervously as he drove slowly, passing by towering home after home that wasn't hers, silently kicking himself because he hadn't
done the smart thing. Turn around and go the fuck home. Everything he did was stupid lately. Thinking about the last time they were together,
no matter how long he sat, meditating peace over his thoughts. Calling out of his job, his livelihood, just to check on Fumie. He wasn't...thinking
clearly. Not after the sparring room. He didn't know if he'd ever think clearly again...not if he didn't talk to her.
His car slowed as he drove towards yet another gate, the correct address engraved on a copper plate. Before he could figure out how to get them to
open, the doors slowly parted, leading him up the driveway of yet another sprawling home. He parked beside the three-car garage, one of the doors
opened on a black Range Rover. Fumie's. She was home.
"The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."
It was one of her better days. Her baby boy was acting a little...funky. She would guess it had something to do with the talk he and his
girlfr--Devyn had a couple days ago, but he wasn’t talking to her about it. That sucked. But her husband was exactly where she wanted him
(away from her) and she had gotten to spend all day with her baby Eri, cooking breakfast together and spending most of the morning in their PJs binge
watching Criminal Minds. Now she was watching her baby splash around in the pool while she sat on the edge and just took her in. It was a good day.
One where she had only thought about her almost romp with Zori at the gym only a few times instead of the usual few hundred.
She hadn’t spoken to him. She’d had sessions, but she hadn’t even called to cancel. She just...It wasn’t that she didn’t want to! No. She
would have loved to just hear his voice again, but...she just didn’t know what to say. She still had no idea what to say after what they’d done
together. So she avoided him. It was the easiest thing to do and she figured he needed a little space too after. Time to think about what they...she
didn’t know. She wanted to say what they were, but what could they be really? Fumie found herself twisting the ring Shemar had given her whenever
she thought of Zori and she was doing it now. Her mind had drifted...but it shouldn’t have! She was with Eri now! She needed to be with her
daughter.
Fumie smiled at her as she waved, making sure Fumie was watching before she disappeared below the surface, probably to do some kind of trick. A trick
she would never see the end of as Ipo called to her from the backdoor. And she wasn’t alone. Fumie gave a short gasp, her feet coming out of the
water as she pulled at her shorts before starting over. Zori was here. In her home. And then outside of it as Ipo left and he stepped outside, their paths meeting near the
lounges on the side of the pool.
“Hey, Zori…”
I was a heavy heart to carry but, he never let me down.
When he held me in his arms my feet never touched the ground.
Walking through Fumie's house without his jaw dropping open was a challenge as Zori passed object after object that he was sure boasted price tags
over over a thousand. Her home was a reflection of her. Class and beauty. Zori could see touches of her in every room the housekeeper led him past.
The light, sweet floral scent that her skin carried was in the fresh cut flowers on every surface. There was a warmth there that was out of place for
a house that was as big in size as hers was. A familiarity. A photocopy of the feeling that Fumie gave him whenever she was near him. He shook his
head at himself as he followed the housekeeper through the airy kitchen and towards the french doors that led to the patio. He had to stop thinking
the way he was. There wasn't any room for them. In his life, nor Fumie's. The warmth in that home had nothing to do with Zori and he had to get it
through his damn head that it never would. Fumie's family lived here. Her children...her husband. And that was when it came to his attention.
That not once had he thought about this as the home she lived in with her husband. That her husband's career and their foundation had paid for all of
this and it was a damn insult that Zori hadn't even acknowledged that. That her husband may have been home. That instead of coming to see Fumie for
what reason he still hadn't figured out, he should've been coming to apologize to her about his inappropriateness. But he'd said it before...no more
apologies, which made him relieved...because it would've been hard as hell to apologize for something he didn't regret.
"One moment..." The housekeeper said, stepping out of the door way leading to a pool where...shit. Where a little girl was playing. The kids.
Another thing Zori didn't think about when he decided to see Fumie. He should've known how uncomfortable this might be for Fumie. To have to explain
to her kids who he was...which was her trainer, right? Just her trainer. That was it. Then why did his heart speed up as Ipo called out to her,
announcing his arrival.
He stepped forward, his eyes meeting Fumie's as she stood up and walked towards him, meeting him near the side of the pool.
"Hey..." He said simply, his lips smiling softly at her as she looked up at him, looking at him expectantly...and probably waiting for him to tell her
why he'd come to her home, uninvited.
"Yeah, I..." His words stalled as he looked into her eyes, warding away a flash off his body pressed against her, her legs wrapped around him in his
gym. His fingers played at the collar of his shirt before his hands went to his pocket. He was nervous and for once, he couldn't hide it. Maybe because he knew how crazy this looked, showing
up at the home she'd never given him the address to or even invited his company to.
"...I just...wanted to see if you were okay." He shrugged, looking back at the pool, the little girl swimming there coming to the edge as she watched
curiously. "I didn't mean to intrude..."
"The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."
Well, this was a surprise. Especially because she wasn’t 100% sure Zori knew where she lived. She’d probably written her address on a waiver or
something when he started training her...why was she thinking about that?! It didn’t matter, he was here! She had pulled her feet from the pool and
was doing her best not to skip to him. Fumie was so happy to see him! But she couldn’t exactly display that. Not in front of Eri who had come up for
air. Her baby was a lot like her. She wanted answers when she wanted them and she knew there would be questions if Zori was anything more than a
friend.Questions Fumie still wasn’t sure how to answer.
Fumie greeted him, her teeth catching her bottom lip right after to quell a smile. He was smiling at her though. And she loved that. He wasn’t upset
with her for avoiding him for the last few days. And that fact that he was here was speaking volumes. He wanted to see her. He wanted to see her as
much as she wanted to see him, only she had been brave enough to do something about it. They shared a moment where neither of them said anything and
they just kind of stared at one another. Fumie had to shake her head clear of visions of him between her thighs, moaning into her mouth. She shifted
on her feet as he began speaking his words as unsure as she felt. I just wanted to see if you were okay. She allowed herself to smile then.
Her highly inappropriate response threatening to spill into the air. She was now that he was here. Intrude?
“No. Of course you’re not. Uh...please. Sit.” Fumie gestured to the lounges. Watching as Zori’s eyes floated back to the pool. Oh!
“Shoot. I’m sorry-,” and she was sorry about that; no more apologies. She giggled a little hoping to make it a little less awkward than she was
making it. “Zo, this is my daughter Eri.” She turned her attention, “And Eri honey, this is my friend Zori. He and mommy work together.”
Fumie allowed her hand to tap his arm after he and Eri greeted one another, signaling him to follow. They covered the short distance to the lounges,
each of them taking one across from the other. They needed this talk.
I was a heavy heart to carry but, he never let me down.
When he held me in his arms my feet never touched the ground.
Her smile. It was all Zori needed to let the tremors of unfamiliar nervousness pulsing through him die down. A smile let him know that everything that
had happened between them hadn't ruined the possibility of what they could be. Which was friends, of course. Really, this time. If there was anything
that he wanted to prove to her, it was that he could handle a friendship with her and that she didn't have to worry about what happened in the
sparring room ever happening again. That he respected her enough to never mention it again. That when it came to respecting her and the space that she
needed to be an honest wife and a dedicated mother, he would give her that and he wouldn't violate that space again. He wondered if she could hear his
thoughts as they gazed at each other for a moment, her teeth biting at her lips. And he wondered if she heard them, would she know how much he really
meant them...only if she wanted him to. What was he thinking? Of course she would. They'd had a moment of weakness. And no matter how long it took,
things would go back to the way they were before. If that was they way they were after all of this, he'd would gladly take it.
He smiled again as Fumie directed him towards the lounges the lined the pool, his eyes moving back towards the pool as a girl with a head full of
curls and the height that was a little beyond her years emerged from the water and grabbed her towel from the side of the pool. Fumie followed his
line of sight and turned back towards him, introducing him to...her daughter. This was Eri? The smile that hadn't wavered from his lips widened a
little as he extended his hand. Her eyes met his outstretched hand as she eyed it curiously, wrapping the towel around herself. She cocked her head to
the side, her wet curls dripping onto the ground.
"You mean your 'coworker', mommy?" She questioned in a voice that was much older than ten. She seemed like a mature one, her hand finally coming out
to grasp Zori's in an awkward handshake before she let his hand go, widening the distance between them. With another look, she turned on her heel and
retreated back to the pool.
"You should watch me do a headstand in the water. I'm going to call you 'Zo' like my mom does..." Zori watched her jump into the water before he got
the chance to reply to her, the splash nearly catching his shoes. He laughed turning to Fumie as she felt her tap his arm, wanting him to follow her.
They sat on the pool chairs, facing each other in silence for a moment, listening to Eri's splashes in the water.
"Been missing you at the gym. How long were you going to let me keep showing up before you told me you were done with me, huh?" He joked, his voice
breaking their silence. Though his words were playful, he couldn't help hearing the truth in them.
"The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."
Fumie watched as her baby pulled herself out of the pool, her introduction not nearly enough for her. Of course she had questions. She wouldn’t be
Eri if she didn’t. Grabbing her towel and wrapping it around her tiny frame and came closer, Zori’s hand went out for her to shake and she did
what she always did. She sensed. Fumie didn’t know what it was about Eri but even at her young age she was a pretty good judge of character. She
knew who she liked within seconds of meeting them and Fumie didn’t know what her criteria was for making these decisions, but usually things worked
out for her. Fumie often wished she had that talent.
Fumie laughed again as she probed, searching her friend comment for more meaning. Coworker? Sure. Fine. If it meant she wouldn’t ask any more
questions. “Yes, baby. He’s a coworker.” She watched as she finally took Zori’s hand, giving it a small shake before releasing it. And
deciding. Fumie’s smile widened as Eri told Zori how impressive she was in the water and informed him that she would be calling him ‘Zo’ just
like her mom does. She liked him. Fumie reached out, ruffling her wet curls as she retreated back to the pool and she and Zo found seats. They sat for
a moment in silence. Fumie pulled her shades from her head placing them next to her before she ran a hand through her hair pushing it all away from
her face. Zori spoke first.
He missed her? Really? No. She needed to stop; she was reading too much into that. He was being friendly.But done with him? Her smile faltered a
little as she looked away from him. That was more loaded than he would probably admit. He thought what they had on the mats was a mistake? Because it
wasn’t for her. She licked her lips.
“Do you remember what I said to you in your office after the gala?” She waited for his answer. He didn’t need to repeat her words, especially
not with Eri within earshot, but she did need to know that he remembered them. That she could not promise not to cross lines with him. That she
couldn’t swear to him she would do “the right thing” when it came to the two of them. She liked him. More than she probably should while still
married to Shemar.
“I’m not done with you-,” she whispered her words. She was the opposite actually. In the few days that had passed since the were last together,
all she could think about was him. How right everything was when he was with her. How much better things would be if they could just...she wasn’t
done. She was probably a glutton for punishment, but she was far from done. She wanted more of him than he had already given and everything in her
wanted to find a way to make that possible. “I just...I didn’t know what to do after…” she let her words trail off, a hand pushing through her
hair again as her eyes connected with Eri’s. She was eavesdropping. Or at least trying to the way Fumie knew she would. Could they really talk and
leave so much unspoken?
I was a heavy heart to carry but, he never let me down.
When he held me in his arms my feet never touched the ground.
Did Zori remember her words after the gala? Of course he did. He couldn't forget them if he tried. I can’t promise that I won’t cross that
line again. He'd heard her loud and clear when she'd said it the first time, only thinking of it as a promise. Something that she intended to do
if she got the chance...an opportunity. But he should've seen it as something more. A warning. Because Fumie had been a woman of her word. Not that
Zori would ever blame what happened in the sparring room on her. No, she was just doing what she'd said she would, without hesitation. He knew the
only person that hadn't done what they said they'd do was him. He'd told her that he would be a gentleman, that he wouldn't take advantage of her.
That he'd respect her marriage...he'd respect her. He'd failed. Badly. First test of being a man of his word and he'd flunked miserably. And
if a man didn't have his word, what did he have? This, Zori guessed. An awkward afterward. An unexpected visit to a married woman that hadn't even
given him her address because he couldn't get her off his damn mind. And he knew it was wrong to watch her little the way he was. The smile creases at
the corners of her lips, the wisps of hair that floated on the breeze...and to feel so weightless. He didn't feel...anything. Not the guilt he knew he
should've felt after meeting the daughter she shared with the man she'd married. And seeing the home they'd built together? He should've felt
something besides...happiness. No matter how he tried to think about what he was chancing with this visit, he couldn't shake how relieved he felt to
finally lay eyes on her.
He nodded his head as a silent answer, his eyes going back to the pool where Eri had just finished a headstand...and was curiously looking in their
direction. He smiled at her again, his hand coming up in a small wave. She returned the wave, her stare only growing more curious as he looked
away...just in time to hear Fumie's words. She wasn't done with him. His eyes met hers as he thought about her answer. The way she'd said it,
Zori knew what she'd meant without even looking at her. She was keeping her promise. That made him wonder...would he keep his the next time? Because
he was sure there would be a next time. If he kept this up, playing with fire...spending time with Fumie when he knew he needed to keep his distance.
Coming to see her, unannounced. Getting too close. When they couldn't stay away from each other, lines blurring between what was right and what felt
right...would he do what he said he'd do? Respect her?
"...Do you remember what I told you?" He asked, letting a short silence fall over them after she admitted what Zori knew had caused her vanishing act.
She didn't know what to do after...what happened between them. And he could understand that...because nor did he. There was a battle going on inside
of him that day. Go back on everything you promised you wouldn't do or be a man of your word. And lately, the battle was turning into a
series of them. A war between right and wrong. And Zori could feel it. The wrong was winning, confusing him as it started to look more right than the
"right" did. And Zori's inability to do what he said he'd do, what he promised her he'd do was bringing up more losses than wins on his side. I
can't disrespect you like that again. I just...I can't.
"I want to mean what I said to you. I know you can't tell that, but I...really do." His voice was low, his elbows on his knees as he watched Fumie's
reaction. They didn't have a choice. No matter how good it felt to touch Fumie, to feel like the only man in her life, the truth was that Zori wasn't.
And the pleasurable thing would be to not care what it would cost her to lose everything because of him. Her family, her husband, the organization.
The right thing...was to do what he said he'd do. Be her friend. Respect her. Respect her family.
He opened his mouth to speak again, but his words halted as he saw something move out of the corner of his eye. As he turned, he smiled as Eri came
into his line of sight, her inquisitive eyes looking from him to Fumie and back again.
"You guys missed my handstand. You're talking about something important, aren't you?" She said simply, sitting on the lounge next to her mother as she
dried her hair with her towel.
"The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."
He remembered. Fumie had already admitted her attraction to him and she was restating it now. Nothing had changed for her. That was what she was
really trying to get at here. Nothing about what had happened in the sparring room between them was regrettable to her. She wanted Zori then and she
wanted him still. Not just physically, but wholly. In a way she shouldn’t as a married woman. Despite Shemar’s treatment of their “commitment”
to one another, Fumie had always valued herself as faithful. Shemar could call her all kinds of things, but she would always be better than him
because she was one thing he could never claim. She was honest and faithful to the vows they’d taken almost 20 years ago. That was changing and it
was hard for her. Confusing. If she allowed herself to think about it, something she rarely did, she was more committed to the facade than she was
Shemar, and where Zori fit into that? She hadn’t figured it all out yet...and it scared her. That explained her recent avoidance. She stated it
plainly for Zori though, her words just as unsure as she felt. She just didn’t know.
Maybe he was here to tell her, his voice breaking the short silence that followed her confession. Did she remember what he said? That he was a man who
valued respect. That he wouldn’t cross the line with her again. She remembered. She felt guilty about those exact sentiments whenever she thought
about what she wanted; how much she wanted him. She was keeping him from being a man of his word and that was something else she was struggling with.
She would never dream of steering Zori off his path. His discipline was important to him and being a weakness to him was…liberating. She
was a selfish bitch for thinking so, but she loved that Zori grew weak in presence. That he found her irresistible and no amount of meditation could
quell his thirst for her. She reveled in it. Because she had never been that woman for anyone else. He valued her and it was something she wanted to
keep feeling. Sadly that meant going against a lot of the things he stood for.
I want to mean what I said to you. Fumie nodded her understanding. He wanted to be a man of his word. He wanted to keep her marriage intact,
admittedly more than she was beginning to think she wanted to. He wanted to keep her honest as well. It was noble and righteous and only made her want
him more...this whole situation was a mess. Zori opened his mouth to say something else, but stopped short. Eri. Oh Eri. Fumie loved her little girl,
but she always did this. She was so wise beyond her years she often forgot the place of a child. It wasn’t entirely her fault; Fumie took pride in
the fact the Eri was her mother’s daughter. She was almost exactly like Fumie in many ways. A lot of them her more annoying attributes.
She spoke as she took a seat next to her mother, patting her hair with a towel as she looked between Fumie and Zori. Were they talking about something
important? Fumie gave a dry chuckle as she thought of the many times she’d had to explain to Eri what was and was not appropriate for her to
question. Never once had her restrictions had anything to do with keeping a secret, but that was something that was changing as well. Her arms fell
around her baby, pulling her closer before she kissed the top of her head.
“Mmhmm. We are talking about something very important. We’re talking about little girls who like to insert themselves into grown
folks business. Her voice was sweet despite her chastisement. She wasn’t trying to be mean, simply telling Eri that some things she didn’t
need to know, as she had many times before. Fumie watched her daughter’s features turn to a pout. She wasn’t getting her way. “Don’t you frown
up that cute face at me-,” her finger reached out, tapping her nose. “If you’re done swimming maybe you should shower and change and we’ll go
get ice cream from that little place on the Boardwalk? What do you think?”
I was a heavy heart to carry but, he never let me down.
When he held me in his arms my feet never touched the ground.
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