Devyn paused the music streaming out of her laptop as she got off of her bed where she had been for the past hour. Her blog had had her attention for
the last few minutes and now that she found no new posts, she was taking a juice break. Cran-apple goodness was calling her name and it was a nice
change from what was usually on her mind. Christmas with Koi. It had been a week since and today was Koi's birthday. Something she had been trying to
avoid all day. She sent him a text when she woke up that morning telling him happy birthday but, when he sent her one back asking if she was still
coming out with him and the guys, she didn't send a reply. She didn't know if she wanted to do that honestly...Not that she couldn't handle being out
with a group of dudes. Hell, she could easily bring Miyu along and make a night of things but...it was Koi. She had been avoiding him ever since what
happened and his birthday should have changed that. She should have been ready to suck it up and lock up all the fucks she obviously gave and just go
out...have fun. Something she hadn't been doing since Christmas...God, that night! It was completely...amazing...No! It was wrong. Everything about it
had been a completely fucked up decision on her part and the one part of it she regretted the most was the end...Homie.
She would never be more than that to him and despite what she thought she wanted, she had to accept that fact. She hadn't yet, so she'd opted not to
speak to him until she did. It had been pretty easy what with school being out and all, she let Carter take up a lot of her time when he wasn't out
with his girlfriend and when he was Miyu came over to keep her company. She was doing just fine without Koi...kind of...That wasn't entirely true as
she had done nothing but wonder what the hell he was doing while she was stuck wishing she could be doing that too...ugh. She hated this! She didn't
like him, she didn't want him! They were friends. Friends dammit! And that was all they would ever be.
Dev sighed pulling open the fridge to grab the bottle of Cran-apple before she got herself a cup and filled it. She couldn't do this. It was almost 10
and she knew she'd missed pre-gaming as he'd called twice. She wasn't going...it was his birthday though, the least she could do was tell him herself.
Pulling out her phone she unlocked it, finding his number before selecting it. This would be quick. She would tell him she wasn't coming and be back
to avoiding him. Clockwork...So why were her nerves growing with each ring?
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
And as usual, nothing about that night felt like New Year's Day. It rarely ever did. There wasn't some fat, white baby with a top hat on and a sash,
sprinkling new shit all over the place. Nothing felt like a rebirth about that day. Nothing felt like new hope. But at twelve o'clock that morning, it
officially became 2012 and the only thing that was different about that day was his age. Not his cheatin' ass Pops, not his "in deep denial" Mom, not
the normal cocktail of weed smoke and Hydro in his body and not...not the mess he'd made a week ago with Devyn. The mess that had him falling in deep
silence every time he thought about. It had been...there really weren't words for what they'd started that night. And everything kept playing reruns,
even when he didn't want it to. The sounds she made. The feel of her skin. The...damn. The wet. And then...that was it. They stopped and
outside of a half "happy birthday" that morning, he hadn't heard two words from her. She hadn't picked up when he basically stalked her ass...and he
was tired of talking to her voicemail.
"You're quiet as hell over there, dude." Koi's attention left the passing street lights as he turned towards the driver's seat, Dhonny's voice
drawing him away from the outside of the car. He'd phased out that entire day, Devyn's absence on his mind heavier than it should've been on a
birthday. His birthday was never for deep thought. It was only for tuning out all the bullshit of his life and the fact that he was in for another
year of it. But he couldn't do that. Not with Dev all in and on his mind. With a slow smirk, he acknowledged Dhonny's comment, unable to even put into
words what his mind was doing at the moment. The fuck if he'd even think about saying something to Dhonny about Dev. There was no point as no one
outside of he and Dev knew what went down that night. And it was gonna stay that way, if he could help it. No one needed to know. Shit was confusing
enough for he and her to handle and they were BARELY handling it considering they weren't speaking.
"Told your ass you should've laid off that last Vike. Why you even drop that shit..." Dhonny's comment faded off as "French Inhale" broke through the
ranting that Koi didn't want to fucking hear. Shit about "living pure" and "cleaning out that chemical shit". Yeah, big talk from an alchie. Rolling
his eyes, Koi pulled his phone out of his pocket and flipped the screen around, a corner of his lip lifting into a soft smile. Devyn. Hitting the accept button, he pulled the
phone to his ear.
"Dev...what's up babe? Eh, hold on for a second." Leaning forward, he pressed the button that connected his call to the hands free in Dhonny's SUV.
"You're on speaker so Dhonny can hear why you've been missing for a week, too!" Koi laughter mixed with Dhonny's greeting, his smile reaching all the
way to his cheeks. He didn't even give a damn that it had been a week since he'd heard her voice. The only thing that mattered was she was talking to
him now and maybe...shit would get back to normal.
Dev...what's up babe? She closed her eyes to the sound of his voice, the better of her nicknames leaving his lips causing her to smile a bit.
Babe...no. No, no. She was not going to do this again. She was dwelling on something completely insignificant and she didn't have time for it. She was
supposed to be telling him she wasn't going out for his birthday. That was all this phone call was supposed to be. Her letting him know that he was
going to have to have his night with just the guys and whatever ass they picked up. She was out. That was it...until it turned into a social call.
"Hey Dhonny, love, how are you?" She waited for his response before she spoke to Koi. "Kid. Happy birthday-," her tone was still light, friendly as it
could be considering the circumstances of she and Koi relationship. That was about to change. "Listen Koi, I'm not gonna make it out tonight so...you
guys, um...smoke one for me."
There. It was done. After a week of silence her first words to him were to cut out on his birthday. That was kind of fucked up, but what else could
she do? She couldn't risk being near Koi. She didn't know how she was feeling about much of anything right now and obviously it wasn't something she
wanted to sort out in front of his friends. She wasn't his girl and she never would be so why play herself in front of the group? Hell, they might
already think she was a goer if Koi told them about Christmas...but somehow she didn't think he had. It was just so...complicated.
Even if he wouldn't admit to whatever they'd shared, he couldn't deny it. Making it the subject of discussion would only make it harder which is why
they hadn't spoken and she was confident that he hadn't said anything to anyone either...hopefully. But he did have her on speaker with Dhonny. Maybe
Dhonny knew and they...no she wasn't going to do that either. She'd said what she needed to say and now she was going to spend her night wondering
what the hell she should do with her time...Fuck.
Carter only had a life when she needed him.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Fate was giving him a birthday present, huh? After an entire week full of nothing, no words...no texts...not a thing from Devyn, his babe, his chick
homie just calls up out the blue? How fucking awesome was that? Koi had no words for it, even as he sat there, smiling like an idiot while Dhonny
small talked Devyn on the line for a second. She didn't know it and Koi would probably never tell her, but Devyn had made his birthday. She really
had. The shitty mess that had transpired a week before in his backyard had Koi shook. Especially when she refused to look him in the eye, even after
he'd put Eri back to bed. She hadn't even said anything but "bye" when she'd left. Koi didn't know what to think and that silence that neither of them
had been able to drop didn't do anything but make the situation worse, especially when it seemed like only ONE of them wanted to end the silence in
the first place. But tonight, the awkwardness was over. All assumptions were squashed and shit could get back to the way it was before. That's what he
wanted, right? Yeah, that's what he wanted...and he was pretty sure that that was what Devyn wanted to. Uncomplicated friendship, right? Ha. The fuck
was he kidding? Things between he and Devyn had never been "uncomplicated"? Hearing his nickname, Koi forgot his thoughts, biting at his smiling lips
as Devyn wished him a "happy birthday".
"Thanks Dev." Nodding, he sat up in his seat as he felt his mood take a serious upswing from the previous "low" that it had taken. "So, you need me
and Dhonny to swing by your place to pick you up or- " Hesitating, Koi's voice stopped as he heard Devyn's start...telling him she wasn't going to
make it...out...what? Yeah, Koi was obviously hearing things. There was no way that Devyn was calling him just to let him know that she wasn't going
to be able to ride out tonight. Nah, that wasn't the case. He was hearing shit, hallucinating. Something. Because...it was his birthday. And they,
meaning Koi and Devyn, had been talking about the crazy shit they were going to get into on his birthday and...yeah, he was hearing shit.
"Huh? Hold up a second, Dev..." Koi said, signaling Dhonny to turn the volume up on the hands free speaker. The hesitation in Dhonny's movements, the
look that he gave Koi out of the side of his eyes, and the confusion on his face almost said louder than Devyn repeating herself...they'd both heard
the same thing. Devyn wasn't coming.
"Okay, say it again?" Koi said, leaning forward towards some invisible speaker like that was going to get him hearing her words more clearly.
"Because it sounded like you said you weren't coming through...and I know that can't be right, homie."
Ooh he sounded so happy...She felt awful. Really? She couldn't suck it up for one night and go out? She could drive herself and she wouldn't have to
stay long...but it never took too long for the two of them did it? Hell, everything about them was whirlwind...and the fact the the simple sound of
his voice had her wanting to see him was evidence enough that she shouldn't go. Not when a simple night out could easily turn into a more complicated
morning after. No. She couldn't go with him. She could see him before she figured out what she was doing...So she told him. In not so many words of
course. She simply said she couldn't go. It was quick and to the point and...painless. It sounded as if her aunt wasn't letting her go and she wasn't
going to lie to clarify unless he asked. And he wouldn't. Knowing Koi, he'd spent the day high on more than life and he probably could care less that
she wasn't going. She thought.
She sighed again as Koi questioned her words. He'd heard her the first time. She didn't need to say it again. She wasn't going. It was going to be him
and the guys that night and that was it. Dev was sitting this one out. She would have thought he wanted that. It was much easier to avoid talking
about what had happened between them if they weren't talking, period, right? Right. So what was the problem? He put her on hold for a second before
speaking again, his tone shifting to sound like something balanced between disappointment and anger. And then...homie.
"Sorry kid. I'm not coming-," she pulled her lips in, trying hard to hide the grimace he couldn't even see at the pet name she liked the absolute
least...homie. Ugh. It only turned up memories of that night and everything that had brought them here...right here. To the corner of
confusion and disappointment. "I've gotta go, but you guys have fun." She said it quick before hanging up, turning the phone face down on the cabinet
and just staring at it for a second. She did it. She told him she wasn't coming and now it was done. Grabbing her juice and the phone, she began the
trip back to her room. Where she would hopefully find a movie or something that would hold her attention on this self-inflicted torture of a Sunday
night.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
What...the fuck just happened here? If Koi hadn't heard the silence in the car and the beep, signalling the end of their call, he wouldn't
have believed the shit that had just gone down. She...she hung up on him. Devyn hung up on him? As much as he wanted to understand what'd just
happened and as easy as it should've been to comprehend what a dial tone in his face meant, Koi couldn't put together the fact that the conversation
was just...over and most of all, that it had ended with Devyn telling him that she wasn't coming through. That the night, a night that they'd planned
together, would be short one. And her voice...the fuck was that about? There wasn't even any goddamned remorse in it when she was telling the
dude that was supposed to be her best friend that his birthday night wasn't even on her schedule. Not even a blip on her radar. Not even...she didn't
even fucking care. Koi's jaw clenched as thoughts built upon thoughts and stuck together like some thick, smelly ass pile of shit. Bull shit. He
smelled it. It had a very distinct smell and the call that had just ended reeked of it. That wasn't like her. That wasn't Devyn...that wasn't his
chick homie.
"Did she just...?" Without hearing the rest of Koi's question, Dhonny shook his head slowly as he drove, a signal for Koi to keep his cool. Fuck
that. If there was anyone that knew Koi, knew the short fuse he carried for ridiculous shit and knew what he was capable of? It was definitely
Dhonny. From the moment they spoke their first words to each other, they already knew what it was. Friendship. On that Jay and Yeezy. Unbreakable
enough to withstand the little bit of time that it had. And with that came the transparency that followed friendships like that. Koi knew Dhonny and
Dhonny knew Koi. And at that moment, Dhonny knew exactly what was going through Koi's mind. The irrational thoughts that accompanied quick anger. The
stupid, abrupt need to do mindless shit like pick up the phone and redial Devyn's number with hot anger pulsing through his veins.
"Kidd, I really don't think that's..." Dhonny's voice was interrupted by the loud ringing of Devyn's line over the hands free, still connected by
bluetooth. Without finishing what was probably a warning that was going to be ignored anyway, Dhonny fell silent as the phone rang and Koi knew,
without looking in his direction, Dhonny was bracing himself for the fucking storm. Finally, the phone picked up and Koi's voice rang out before Devyn
had a chance to utter a single word.
"Really?!" Koi asked, the anger that was apparent in his voice, amplifying it as he continued to speak. "No...for real, Devyn?"
She hated feeling like this. Not talking to Koi was throwing everything off of normal for her. It was just...different. She had gotten so used to
seeing him everyday, having someone to shoot the shit with, someone to fill up her spare time. Sure, she'd seen a lot more of Miyu lately, but it
wasn't the same there either. Even she knew something was wrong. Devyn would go quiet at the wierdest of times and zone out in the middle of
conversations. Miyu would always ask her what was wrong, but she couldn't tell her. It was...too much to talk about. What was she even supposed to
say? Koi opened my legs for Christmas and I'm not sure what it means? Nah. She could barely think that, let alone say it to anyone. So here
she was. Alone on her best friend's birthday after hanging the hell up in his face.
She sighed again as she made it back into her room, closing the door behind her. This was pitiful. Even her aunt was out tonight, but Devyn had killed
the only plans she'd had for this night for the last 4 months. She and Koi had planned his birthday. Down to the letter. Him, her, the guys, it was
supposed to be a night to remember. Now she wouldn't get the chance to remember it as she'd cut herself out completely. Fuck. Was she being a little
bitch about this whole thing? Maybe she should call back and tell him she was coming...
As if he could read her thoughts from wherever he was, her phone vibrated in her hand. She knew this might happen and she knew what was coming next.
He was going to be pissed and she couldn't blame him. Who the fuck hung up on their best friend on his birthday? Apparently she did...not that she
meant to it just kind of...happened. She didn't know what else to say and the simplest answer was to just hang up. She needed to explain. If she just
apologized and explained then things might start to feel normal again...maybe. She answered the phone, the first syllable of his name getting out of
her mouth before he cut her off. She tried not to let it bother her too much, but yes, really! Why was he acting like she was the only one wrong here?
None of this would even be happening if he'd have let her leave that night!
"For real what, Koi?! I'm not about to have this conversation with you if you plan on making it a screaming match-," although she really
couldn't talk, her voice had risen to match his and she knew exactly where this was about to go...straight to hell.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
All of the shit that was going down at the current moment was too much. Devyn was doing too much, he was doing too much and honestly?
None of it was quite what he'd had in mind for the night of his birthday. When he and Devyn had planned it out, Koi'd seen two
things...partying. And bullshittin'. And they weren't doing either of those things. No, the only thing he was close to doing was cussing out one of
his best friends and wondering how they'd gotten to that point in the first place. Was he over reacting? The face that Dhonny was giving him out the
side of his eye clearly said he was, but Dhonny didn't get it. Hell, Koi didn't get it! One side of him could understand someone backing out of
something last minute, especially Devyn. Her aunt and that pussy, do-gooder cousin of hers always had a close eye on her. It wasn't too hard to see
them catching wind of what was supposed to go down that night and finding some bullshit reason to keep her in the house. But the other side, the side
that wasn't as stupid, felt like something was...wrong. Felt like there wasn't anyone or anything behind Devyn being locked in the house like a hermit
but herself. Like she was pulling away that night for the same reason that he hadn't heard from her for a week.
"I didn't plan- I didn't plan on SHIT, Devyn!" Shrugging off Dhonny's "lower your voice" nudge, Koi could feel his temper brewing into a
flare, the crazy anger that he still couldn't really place taking his volume up a notch. The fuck was she talking to? It wasn't HIM starting or making
anything, it was her. ALL her. She was the one who hadn't answered his calls for a week. She was the one who called him on some straight up bullshit
on his BIRTHDAY. It was HER. Not him. And for what? Because of something that almost happened? Koi wasn't making assumptions anymore. All of
this? It had to be about Christmas night. Because that's where it started. All of her silence, all of her distance. And the only thing it left him
asking was "what the hell did he do now!?" Nothing about that night was in their control anymore. At least that was how he felt about things! Maybe
they'd gotten a little...close...that night. But it was over. Done. What happened had just...happened! And they were on the other side of it, weren't
they? Ready to move on...right?
"I PLANNED on chillin' with my homies tonight. I planned on going stupid on King. Anything new to the plan is ENTIRELY you!" Great.
Blame game. They were already into it? All because of her actions that she was trying to pass off on him? No. Not happening. Especially not when she
wasn't even going to come at him like the homie he was supposed to be and just...be real with him.
"What the hell is going on with you right now? I don't hear from your ass for a week and the next thing I know, you're backing out of shit WE planned
and hanging up in my face? Get outta here with that shit, Devyn."
Was she losing her mind? He could'�t be this upset over a stupid phone call about her not going out to one thing. She'd been to every one of his
parties since they became cool again, they did stupid shit almost daily; she wanted to miss one thing, one FUCKING event and here he was
biting her head off! Fuck that! Fuck him! According to Koi, they weren't anything more than friends. Her missing shouldn't have meant shit to him. He
had Dhonny, he had Derrick. The rest of the crew was all in as far as she knew so he probably wouldn't even miss her, right? Right. Koi shouldn't have
given two shits so what the fuck was this even about?! He went on, yelling at her about how things had changed and it was...it was on
her!?
"Are you fucking joking, Koi?! What the fuck is wrong with you? Your "plan" hasn't changed at all now has it, kid? Nothing has changed for
you since--,"she gave a short pause. That's not what they were supposed to be talking about. He was mad about his stupid birthday. She would keep it
there. "As far as I know, your birthday is still solid. You've got the guys, you and Dhonny are headed to King, I don't see the damn problem; anything
new is on YOU!" He was not going to blame her for this. She wasn't doing anything wrong by staying home, actually she was doing him a fucking
favor...but he didn't see it that way obviously...
What was going on with her?! No, what the hell was going on with him?! He knew damn well why he hadn't heard from her for a week! He wanted to get
into it now? Fine they would...If she could. Her voice fell, became weaker as she responded to what he'd asked, "You know damn well why I haven't
talked to you in a week Koi...," Fuck...She was being a complete girl about this shit and now wasn't the time. "I'm not doing this shit with you right
now. I'm hanging up...", but she didn't. She waited. She would have loved to say she didn't know what she was waiting on but she did. She wanted him
to tell her. To tell her that he'd been thinking about what happened just as much as she had. That he missed her and he wanted her back...and not just
as his homie...
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
How was this night, a night that was supposed to be full of chiefin', drinking and forgetting, turning out the way it was? Oh, that's right. Because
Devyn was on that bullshit! That was the only thing that Koi could title everything that was playing out considering he was still
waiting for anything...no, everything to make sense. And nothing was! Not her attitude out of nowhere. Not her hanging up in his face and certainly
not her not being in the car with he and Dhonny, King St. bound. If this was the seventeenth birthday that he envisioned, he would've
killed this shit before it even started. It was stressing him out, killing the buzz he'd had going and pissing him off! And Dhonny wasn't making the
shit better! Koi could feel him cutting his eyes at him with every word he said to Devyn. Like she didn't deserve the shit! She completely did! And
really? He didn't give a shit what Dhonny thought, just as long as he kept his mouth shut. Koi didn't need TWO people going in on him about shit he
DIDN'T do.
"I know you don't hear me laughing. I know you don't." Koi rebutted with that challenge from Devyn, asking HIM what was wrong with him. Nothing! He
had been perfectly, fucking dandy before her call. Minding his shit. Well...maybe not perfectly fine considering that the only thing that had been on
his mind before she'd called was HER. Look at that shit! Fucking up his entire birthday before she even stepped foot on the scene! Now THAT took
talent. And then, blaming it on him? Koi's temper rose a notch high when the word "you" fell out of her mouth, like there was something that he'd done
in the week that she'd been avoiding him that made everything HIS fault. Oh, like trying to call her? Like trying to figure things out after what went
down between them in his backyard. No, but she didn't want to talk. The only chatty thing on her phone was her goddamned voicemail, but HE WAS WRONG?
This was HIS FAULT?! That's what her silence had meant. That's what the unreturned, unanswered calls meant to Koi. That she had sorted the shit out,
she was good...she was over it. But it was almost like the entire situation between them, unresolved as it was, was blowing right back open!
"I've got my boys? Oh, I get you. So, you're saying your presence doesn't even mat-..." As quickly as his fuss started, it ended at the next words
she'd said to him. You know damn well why I haven't talked to you in a week Koi.... And there it was. The answer. The proof that everything
that had gone down on Christmas night was the culprit for her silence and that, yeah...she was angry about it. She was mad? Okay. SO WAS HE! Shit got
complicated, yet again, between them. And just like the last time, there was no end to it. The heat went up between them and they stopped,
abruptly...confusion and questions, the only things lingering behind. And once again, she was pissy, salty? For what? Nothing was his fault this time.
They'd both been there, wanting it...wanting each other and...Eri walked in and that was it. What was there to be PISSED ABOUT? The moment came and
went and...nothing changed. She was still his homie and he was still hers...her homie, that is. They were friends. And even after all that confusion,
that remained. It always did...so what was the fucking problem?
"Are you serious? You're not talking to me because of...that? That shit is my fault now?" Ignoring Dhonny's blatant look in his direction, he
opened his mouth to speak before she interrupted him, telling him she was done...and she wanted off the phone. Nope. Not this time.
"DON'T...you fucking do it. Don't you hang the phone up, Devyn. You're going to get enough of hanging up in my motherfuckin' face."
She was sick of this shit! Everything was about Koi Kidd and what fucking made him happy. He was a completely selfish ass and she would've loved
nothing more than for him to shut up so that she could tell him so! All the fucking shit he was talking was only making her more and more angry,
putting him more and more on edge. And she hadn't started that way! She only wanted to tell Koi she wasn't going out tonight. It was supposed to be a
simple phone call and if he cared about anyone but himself, he would have just accepted that. But he didn't. Selfish bastard! It was about Koi and his
party and what he wanted...and apparently, when he wanted it...that was the problem. He expected Devyn to jump when he said jump but she wasn't for
that shit and he needed to figure that shit out before she had to tell him.
But it was looking like they weren't going to stay on the subject of his party for too much longer as she'd moved things along. He knew good and well
why they hadn't talked in a week! She just wanted him to admit what they'd done was...off. That he was feeling...any kind of way about what had
happened! But no! He was hell bent on making her feel like a complete and total ass by making it seem like she was the only one feeling things here.
To Koi she was still his homie. Still his friend. That was it. That was her fucking problem! And until he felt like it was something they should
bring attention to, yes, she was going to be fucking angry...
Are you serious? Why did he keep asking her that?! Did he find this shit so unbelievable? Was it so hard to believe that she was confused
about that night? Was he--fault? Ugh! She wasn't blaming him for anything...not to say it wasn't mostly his fault...She couldn't do this now. Ugh! She
just wanted him to shut up! It was like he didn't even get it! The sex wasn't the issue! It was after. Did he really not know why the hell she was
upset? And now it sounded like he was threatening her if she hung up? HA! He had to be fucking her...
"Koi, you can be a complete idiot sometimes, I swear to God...-," She sighed, her feet pacing as they had been since she and Koi started this shit
with one another. "No one is...you know what? No. I can't. You know what your problem is? You're fucking selfish." There, it was out.
He was a selfish sonofabitch and she'd told him.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
If Dhonny hadn't been into the exchange that had been going on in front of him, he sure as hell was now. With phrases dropping in the conversation
that sounded more and more suspect, it wasn't a surprise that he could barely keep his damn eyes on the road, side glancing at Koi with more questions
on his face than he could express and Koi could answer at the moment. And if Dhonny knew what was really good, he wouldn't speak, much less breathe
loudly...not while Devyn and Koi were on the phone having a conversation that no one was supposed to even hear. Not that Dhonny hearing his business
was on Koi's mind. In the middle of the fussing, the cussing and now, the name calling, he couldn't think of anything outside of how fucking
ridiculous this all was. With her emotions flying at him about something that wasn't supposed to matter as much as their friendship and his head
reeling at everything she was throwing in his direction, the night was turning into a big, hurricane-like mess. And all of it because of that
night. That night that he never meant to happen but he wasn't even near being able to call a mistake. He wasn't going to regret something that
felt a hell of a lot more "right" than it did "wrong". It was a slip up, an honest loss of control on both of their parts. But Devyn obviously didn't
see anything that happened that way. How she did see it, Koi didn't know...because all she was doing was throwing blame and calling him out his name,
biting at him about bullshit that he didn't even get. What was the big fucking deal? It was done, over. They'd gone somewhere that hadn't meant to,
but that was past. Well, it would've been if Devyn's stupid ass would let it lie there.
"You're going to watch the shit you say to me..." A grufff warning had Dhonny's eyes completely off of the road, widened in a warning to Koi to be
careful, especially with the beginning of the heated insults Devyn was throwing his way. Idiot. Fucking selfish. Not that Koi wasn't use to
spiteful words and being called out of his name. Shemar Kidd was his goddamned daddy, afterall. But there was something...fucked up about Devyn saying
it. Words that would've had him rolling his eyes and sucking his teeth in dismissal, had they been from Shemar, had his jaw tightening and his eyes
narrowing.
"Selfish? So, that's what you really think, homie?" Damn. That was the truth? That one of the only people who's opinions he gave a shit about
actually thought he was selfish as fuck. Brilliant. And not completely a surprise. Why would Koi expect different? From the apology he'd given Devyn
in that empty classroom after the debacle at his party, he told her what it was. He told her what most everyone said about him, thought about him,
knew about him. He was an asshole. He was fucked up. He was a waste of air and space. None of the shit things people said about him was new under the
fucking sun. But if that was the case, why the hell did Devyn's insults burn so hot? Why did they sting like salt in open wounds?
"Hey, I'll be that then. If it makes you feel better for cutting me off for a FUCKING WEEK over something that we
BOTH let happen, I'll BE THAT. If it makes you fucking feel better about yourself, Devyn."
Why was this happening?! Not to say that she and Koi didn't have heated arguments often, but it was never like this...never after a week of not
talking to one another. She would admit that was on her. Hell, she hadn't denied it. She wasn't ready for anything he might have to say. She
was...afraid of what he would say about it. She wanted him to tell her that he was willing to see what "them" was like, but she knew so fucking well
that that wasn't going to happen. She also knew that hearing him say nothing had changed was going to kill her, so she hadn't given him the
opportunity. She had been trying for days to talk herself into not caring what happened either way and she just hadn't reached that point yet. She
cared too much about Koi and until that changed she wanted to keep her distance. Well until tonight. Tonight, because she cared so much, she'd called
to tell him she wasn't going to see him on his birthday...Shitstorm that had turned into.
"And you're going to stop fucking telling me what I'm going to do!" He was a complete ass! Why the actual fuck was this happening?! This was
Koi! No argument they had was ever this intense. All this over his fucking birthday outing?...and her absentee week...but that shit was his fault. Who
the fuck called someone that they'd almost fucked their homie? She was new to town, maybe that was how they did things! Backwards as hell! She
couldn't take exactly what was happening now, hearing him call her homie over and over and fucking over again! And the sarcastic ass tone he was using
now that they were fighting? Everything was shit.
Her jaw clenched as he said it again. So that's what you really think, homie? Was he selfish? Yeah. Of course he was. "Yes, Koi, you're
selfish! You're okay with what happened so you expect everyone else to be cool with it too, huh? That's not the way it works, sugar-," It wasn't okay.
She wasn't okay. Being his homie wasn't enough. Why didn't he get that? Because he was too busy thinking about himself obviously. She heaved
an aggravated sigh as he retorted, saying he'd be all the things she called him if it made her feel better about herself.
"Koi, stop! If you honestly think that the sex was the problem you have not been listening to a word I'm fucking saying homie." She sighed
again. This shit was exhausting. "You're really killing me with this shit Koi. I don't want to...-" her voice faltered a bit, the anger in it falling,
"I'm really done with this..."
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
And then the bomb dropped. The word that both of them had been skirting around from the beginning of the conversation reared its ugly head and there
it was, in plain sight. Sex. What happened that night between the two of them finally had a name attached to it, not that Koi would exactly
title it "the sex" considering they'd stopped before things got that heavy. But they'd done enough. Enough that he could answer about ten questions
about Devyn that no friend of the opposite sex should know. No specifics. The point was that they'd crossed a line that night...a line that meant
something...to the both of them. A line that meant that they had two choices. Change shit. Keep shit the same. And it didn't take much to see what
side Koi was on. Devyn was his homie. He'd spent more time with her than he had any female outside of Eri. In the months that he'd known her, she'd
damn near become family. And nothing changed that for Koi. Not how much he'd wanted her that night. Not the fact that he'd nearly had her. Not the
fact that even in his rage, he still wanted her. It wasn't about that for him and it would never be because of the shit that was happening now. He
could read through her words. He could read through her anger. And all he saw was emotions. Emotions that were literally ripping them apart. Emotions
were the shit that came between people. The anger, the love, the lust. It fucked up minds, made shit so much more complicated than he had to be. And
he didn't have to make assumptions about the way he felt as he looked the aftermath of emotions in the face every time he looked at himself.
"Then don't. Be done." Koi answered without hesitating as he ignore Dhonny's blatant stare. He knew what the stare meant. He knew what it said and
then again, he didn't care. Dhonny was always lecturing him about messing around the way he did and it was apparent that even in the freedom that
Dhonny lived, he didn't respect how Koi ran through women. Now, his look was darker as he took glances at Koi between watching the road and shaking
his head slowly. Koi's nose flared as he felt Dhonny's wordless disappointment.
"Stop wasting breath then, Devyn. Do you." Fine. If she was done, he was done. And if that made him selfish, then he'd be that. Because what she
didn't understand was that even though he knew that that night had changed something between them and that it left her questioning things, he was
saving her. He was saving her the heartbreak of being with someone like him. He was saving her regretting her life and her choices by ever wasting
time on someone like him. Because there was no way, no fucking way, that he would ever make Devyn another "Fumie". If that made him a selfish fuck, so
be it, then.
Then don't. Be done. Damn. So it was that easy for him? He could just cut her loose like she didn't mean shit, huh? Well...fine. She thought
they had something a little deeper than that, but she was obviously wrong. She was wrong about a lot of things when it came to Koi it seemed. She
thought, maybe, just maybe, she had finally met a guy that gave two fucks about her for reasons other than her body and her father. He's tricked her
into that shit, on some friendship bullshit like he really wanted to get to know her...It was better this way. Better he switch up on her now than
later when she's had time to really like him...Only that was another lie she could tell herself because she already liked Koi. That was the problem.
It was the reason they were at this point in their...thing. It wasn't necessarily a relationship and she refused to call it a friendship, so she and
Koi would have a thing. Or used to have a thing. It was ending...because she was done. And he was fine with that.
Ugh! And there was that fucking phrase again! Fucking. Do. You. She hated when he said that to her. It was like actually admitting he didn't
give a fuck. Ugh! She ran a hand over her face, taking a seat on the edge of her bed and allowing a silence to settle between them as she made a
decision. This was it. She heard it in the complete lack of hesitation in his voice when he basically told her to cut him off. This was the end of
whatever they were...
"Whatever, Koi...Happy Birthday-," she sighed, her eyes closed to the sensation of what she was sure being stabbed in the stomach felt like. She hung
up before he could say anything else. Hell, what more was there to say? It was strange how she and Koi were never together but here they were...broken
up.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
"Whatever. I have no fucks Devyn." Koi's last words. Did he mean them? Not really. He, opposite of what he really wanted, gave all the fucks...the
cares...the craps. He cared. More than he wanted to and more than he was ever use to caring before. Girls didn't get emotion from him. They
didn't make him...feel the way Devyn did. They were expendable. Good when you had them, inconsequential when you didn't. Party favors. But
not Devyn. Maybe it was because she was "the chick homie". Maybe it was because almost every day since the second they'd made nice, she'd been there.
Smoked out with him, shot the shit whit him. Kept him company when the drama in his house was too much and he had to get the fuck out. Helped his ass
NOT get kicked off the basketball team...again...when his grades started going below the"C" he maintained in the History class they shared.
She'd...just...she'd been there. Even in that short stint of time, she'd been there through the tip of the shit iceberg that his life was. And
maybe...she deserved more than his front of indifference. But not at the expense of her heart. He owed her more than that. Even if he couldn't feel
the same way that she did for him, he owed her more than a fake relationship and the following heartbreak. She deserved more...
Koi's last words were ignored, probably missed, as he heard the line beep thrice, the signal to an ended call. Silence filled the car as he sat, the
muffled sounds of air rushing past as he and Dhonny drove on the highway towards King. As much as he didn't care to, Koi couldn't have even made words
if he tried. His mouth was cotton, thick with guilt and dry from the yelling...the fussing. A heavy clunk on the floor of the car underneath his feet
shook him from his blank stare that couldn't even see the cars passing beside and in front of the car. His phone had fallen from his hand and was
laying between his feet. And the strong desire to pick it up and chuck it through the glass of Dhonny's windshield was only cancelled out by the want
to...pick it up...and call his babe back, apologize for the stupid shit he'd said and...start the cycle over again. Just to end up hurting her
again.
"When you're ready, Kiddo..." Koi's head snapped up, his eyes hesitating as they went to Dhonny. He knew exactly what Dhonny's words meant. Anyone
would've. That entire scene that played out in front of him and he wasn't going to ask to know what the fuck was up? Nodding his head, a soft sigh
escaping him as he settled down in his seat, his eyes returning to the highway in front of him. He'd tell Dhonny. Of course he would...but not yet. He
needed the silence. Just for a second. Happy Fucking Birthday to him...
Devyn laughed as she fell on her ass yet again. She'd told Miyu she was good but she was insisting on taking her home, so she was trying to drag her
to the car. Fuck that! She wanted to have funnnnn! And there was a Que that had been helping her with that all night. Alex. If she didn't remember
anything else she'd remember him in the morning. She wasn't gonna lie, she was on a whole other level tonight, but it was a special occasion. She was
single again! Although she had only been locked down in her fucking head. They had never been together as he so kindly informed her. "Mi, baby, just
leave me. Alex will take good care of me I bet." She laughed again. Hell, yeah he would. Just the kind of care she was looking for right now. She was
out to make a few bad decisions with no regrets. She had enough of those already. Miyu sighed, reaching down to pick her back up again and Dev
compiled, both of her arms falling around Miyu's waist in an awkward hug as they stumbled along.
She knew she wasn't gonna leave her here. Miyu was a good friend. The best. "I love you so much Mi. You know that right? How much I love you?" She
did! She could tell Miyu thought it was the liquor talking, her "I know" obviously meant to pacify Devyn, but it was true. She loved her. Who else
would take care of her like this when she was this fucked up and annoying? Devyn laughed at the thought as Miyu finally leaned her against the
passenger side door of the Mercedes. Damn, she could have sworn she hadn't drove here...but she had. Uh oh. Miyu asked her the question she knew was
coming and Devyn smiled in response. Where are your keys?
She shrugged. Another short laugh leaving her lips. "I think...I 'member that guy at the door tak- taking them...you 'member? The cute boy with the
hair...dreads." Devyn twisted her hair, emphasizing her description so Miyu know what she was talking about. Miyu sighed again, shushing Devyn as she
slid her to the ground, her back against the truck. Why were they sitting?
Devyn, I'm going to get the keys. Promise you won't move? Why did she sound so far away? It was irritating. She didn't wanna be alone. Devyn
shook her head no. Miyu couldn't leave her. She didn't want her to go. Mi heaved yet another sigh and spoke again. I'll only be gone a second.
Don't go anywhere. She walked off. Devyn frowned. She didn't want to be alone right now. Where was her phone? Her hand roamed her body, starting
at her cleavage, moving to her butt and finally putting her hand on her cell. She wanted to talk to somebody.
Quote:
Wyd? yu slewp?
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
"Eri. For the last time, leave me alone. I mean it..." His grumble was barely audible as he lay on his bed, his face deep in his pillows. He'd been
back home since his fallout with Deyvn, the shit that went down making him the most antisocial asshole ever. He'd left Derrick's house because the
nigga wouldn't stop grilling him about the blow up with Devyn over the videos he'd posted. So, Koi dipped. It wasn't just Derrick. He just
couldn't...talk to anyone, much less answer questions. And everybody had questions. You guys were really together? You fucking Taylor Westbrooks
now? Have you even TRIED to call Devyn? It was old. He was tired of talking to people he didn't want to talk to. And the only person that he KEPT
wanting to talk to was the person that he'd x-ed out of his life less than a week ago. But that was a no-go. They were done, he'd made sure of it. So
he was doing the only thing he could think to do...be a fucking recluse. Ignore the world. And the world was being quite gracious by leaving him the
fuck alone. Unfortunately, his little sister wasn't catching the hint...
"But Koi, you haven't left your room in days..." He could hear her voice clearly...on the other side of his locked door. She rapped on the door again,
Koi's head lifting from the pillow and turning towards the door in annoyance. Why...wouldn't she leave him alone?! Everyone else got it! Koi's an
asshole. He doesn't want to be bothered. Let him bask in his fucking, deserved misery. But no, his sister had other, optimistic ideas.
"I have left my room. It's called 'going to school'." He muttered. Rolling over, he stared at the ceiling, his arms behind his head. "Get out of here,
midget. Leave me alone." A loud stomp sounded behind the door, followed by an exasperated sigh. She was giving up. Good. She was wasting her time
anyway. There wasn't a fucking reason to leave his room. Why? What for? All he got was questions and blame when he did go out. No, he was good in
his...
Bzzzzz!
His arm left his head as he dug underneath himself, the covers tangling around his arm as he pulled his phone from where it was buried beneath his
sheets. He groaned as he turned it over in his hand, pissed at himself for not remembering to turn it off after her left practice. As the screen
illuminated, his eyes widened. A message from Devyn? The fuck was she messaging him for? The last talk they'd had was dismissing each other
from their lives so, she must've been dying if she messaged him.
He unlocked his phone, reading the message...his face screwing up at the text. The fuck?
Her phone buzzed in her hand, snapping her out of the trance she was in. Lightening bugs were so pretty, she never noticed...Who was texting her at
this hour? It was like...she flipped the phone over to check the time, but the pop up message caught her eye first. Why the fuck was he
hitting her phone? She didn't fucking message him. Why did she even still have his number? Oop. She opened the text thread and seeing the stream, she
guessed she had texted him. 11:38pm. Wyd? She was fucking on one.
Well she had somebody to talk to at least right? Hell, she even had words for the nigga.
Quote:
my ain't shit ex pussy eater...damn you wer hella good at that
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
The fuck was this girl on tonight? Koi couldn't help but chuckle sourly as he opened Deyvn's return text and read her...message? Really? Ex-pussy
eater. Well, he guessed he had to be an ex-something considering she couldn't follow that "ex" with boyfriend. Which he fucking never was. He
licked his lips as he slowed his breath. He could feel himself going back to that place again...from her text ALONE. That "shouting, punching shit,
angry as fuck at everybody BREATHING" place. And he wasn't going to do it. Not for her. She'd gotten him in emotions enough that week to last a
fucking life time. He was good.
Quote:
a compliment from the gf that neva was. tf do you want
Why was he always so fucking mean to her?! She thought he was a different guy but she'd been wrong. She was wrong about a lot of things. She frowned
as he told her again how she was "the gf that never was". That was uncalled for. She was saying nice things to him! She always tried with him! That's
why they broke up...or whatever they did. Koi never tried with himself. He wanted to be "that nigga" for the rest of his fucking life. Ugh. It was
annoying. He was annoying...So why did the mere mention of his head between her thighs have her wishing she was where he was?
Quote:
y u gotta be so mean to me? thats not nice yu kno. I'm nice to you...i could be nicer if you cum get me
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Say what? Seriously. What was Devyn ON tonight? Did...did three days ago just...NOT happen? Koi couldn't remove the "what the hell" look from
his face as he read her text over...and over again...and finally chuckled when he figured it out. She was lit. Drunk. High. Something. Some chemical
had her turned up that night. So turned up that she didn't even notice that she had offered the nigga that had just excused himself of her in the
middle of a crowded hallway...ass. Wow. And the fucked up thing? Koi swore he felt his dick jump. FUCK THAT. There was no way...NO
WAY he was letting her pull him back into that trap again. That...fucking...always...wet...trap.
"Damn..." He muttered, staring at the screen of his phone, his fingers moving before he even though the shit through.
Quote:
where u at
He bit his lip as he stared at his message, his thumb hovering over "send". Seriously Kidd? Was he serious? For a piece of her ass, he'd
start that shit again? No sir. The pussy was good, but fucking the dumb cyclical shit that they ALWAYS fell into was better. He chuckled at himself as
he erased his message and wrote a new one.
Oh! It was like that? Lameeeeee. He was so fucking lame. She wasn�t trying to go to sleep. Why was everybody telling her it was time for bed?
First Miyu, now him. Alex asked her to go to bed too, but she was pretty sure he didn't want her doing too much sleeping. She wanted to have fun! Was
it too much to ask for somebody to turn up with her? So what if she was white girl wasted. The night was still young. It was Friday. Why was everybody
being so fucking lame? Everybody except Alex.
Quote:
I dont wanna sleep. I wanna be bad u don't want me to be your bad girl tonight?? I e
Oops. Hit send too fast.
Quote:
I bet Alex does. And he's not mean tome
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
She wanted to be his "bad girl"? Hadn't they already been there and done that? She'd been his bad girl. The baddest. That was the part of the "fucked
up cycle" that Koi actually liked. But then, after all the "naughty", only the nagging and whining was left. That's how it had been. The amazing,
toe-curling good and the fucking, horrible bad. And it always seemed like one couldn't exist without the other...which was why they were here...Koi,
waiting for his next round of Hydrocodone to kick in and Devyn, sexting him while she was completely Becky-wasted. He shook his head as he dropped his
phone back into his covers, his head hitting his pillow again. He wasn't going to message her back. She was drunk, he was over it and she probably
wouldn't remember the shit in the morning anyway. Closing his eyes, he let the illuminated screen go black...until it lit up again, the "buzz" letting
him know that he had yet ANOTHER text message.
Koi's head cocked as he read it, his body sitting straight up in bed as he read and replied.
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