She needed to know as fact that he was okay. Dhonny sent her a simple text that said “hospital” and Miyu brought her here. Now they waited. She
assumed Dhonny was still with the kid because they hadn’t seen him since getting here and they hadn’t heard from him since his last short update:
He’ll be iight…She had stopped fretting a while ago, her worry diminishing once Dhonny told her Koi was going to be fine. She was more
angry than anything else now. This was so stupid! Koi was so stupid! What was the fucking point of fighting Derrick? Yes, she got the betrayal aspect
of this whole thing. Derrick was supposed to be his friend and he “fucked” Devyn...but according to Koi, Devyn wasn’t shit to him! What did he
care for? Derrick had hit plenty of the girls Koi had cut first. It was actually kind of sad how many, but all of a sudden Devyn was a betrayal? She
was different? Koi had said she wasn’t. He’d said it extremely loud and in front of everyone. He’d embarrassed her in the most public way
possible, but now something had changed? He couldn’t fucking have it both ways! He couldn’t dismiss her one day and want her the next and attack
whoever she was giving her time to now that he’d done away with her. Devyn wasn’t out here fucking up Taylor was she? Even though that ho deserved
it.
Okay so maybe that wasn’t completely true. Maybe she’d been a little vindictive after being reminded of Taylor’s part in her unhappiness. And
MAYBE she’d keyed “broke bitch” into the side of her CAR before going home last night. But she’d left $20 under the windshield wiper for her;
help her get her shit fixed or whatever...But that was different! Koi meant something to her and she’d never denied that. Taylor knew what she was
doing when she went after Koi and for that she deserved whatever Dev gave her. Derrick didn’t know shit, though. Because Koi had never told him. In
fact, he’d told him the exact opposite of Devyn mattering to him. He didn-...
Devyn’s thoughts broke as Dhonny finally stepped through the double doors separating the ER from the waiting room. He gave an update. Koi had a
concussion, more than a few cuts and bruises, and a hairline fracture in his humerus. All this bullshit over a girl he didn’t care about? Shit was
ridiculous and she wanted answers. So when Dhonny asked if she wanted to see him, she nodded and he gave her a room number. She knew she was the last
person Koi wanted to see but too fucking bad. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t fuck with people’s lives like this and pretend none of it
mattered. They were talking.
But she didn’t say anything as she stepped into his private room, closing the door behind her.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
"FUCK. OW!" Dhonny's legs jerked away from the place where he'd propped them, which happened to be too close to Koi's injured arm, his eyes leaving
the television as he stared blankly at Koi. The look in his eyes said "no sympathy" before his mouth did, smirking and sucking his teeth before
focusing back on some stupid show about house hunting that he'd been watching on the screen. Well, fuck him too! Not that Koi was expecting
sympathy from anyone, least of all Dhonny...mostly because it'd been Dhonny that had spent a week and a half trying to keep Koi out of trouble. And if
Koi knew his boy, he figured Dhonny wasn't really happy about the present series of events. Mostly because Koi was lying in an ER bed. Fail.
The curtain was drawn on the room and the nearly closed sliding door shut out most of the noise in the hallway which made the room an uncomfortable
tomb of silence, save for the show on the t.v. Dhonny wasn't speaking and Koi for sure as hell wasn't talking...because his jaw hurt too badly to even
crack the shit open if he WANTED to. There was nothing to talk about though. Koi had done everything Dhonny told him NOT to do, beat the shit out of
Derrick and ended up in the ER with more injuries than he could count...oh, not to mention his fractured fucking arm, which was going to go over real
fucking well when his father found out. He sighed at his thoughts, grimacing as he tried to adjust himself on the bed.
"Hey, I'm dippin' out for a coke. I'll be back..." Dhonny said suddenly, putting his phone into his pocket as he got out of the chair he'd pulled up
to the side of Koi's bed. Koi nodded, watching Dhonny move beyond the curtain and out the door and he wondered if Dhonny didn't come back would it
really mattered...as everything was fucked up anyway. If he could've moved deeper into the bed, which his arm wasn't allowing, he would've put the
covers over his damn head and stayed there for a week. Everything was fucked. Everything was completely fucked and Koi had no idea how to
deal with it. Not only was he not talking to Devyn, but she'd fucked his supposed friend and he'd, in turn, beat the shit out of that same ex-friend.
He'd done some shit that he wasn't apologetic for...like, at all. But...it just wasn't...shit. Koi was known to be a hot head, his mouth
running faster than his brain most times. But this was different. He'd...lost it. And he'd made yet another situation for his parents to deal with
when they found out. If they hadn't found out already. Koi didn't stick around to find out, Dhonny getting him on his feet and beyond King's gates
faster than anyone could come looking for him. But now that he was at the hospital, someone would find him and the bullshit would start. Koi just...he
just wanted it to end. He wanted to forget Devyn and Derrick and...everything. On the brightside, the best thing about a fractured humerus was the
hydro they'd given him thirty minutes ago. Nothing said "numb" like a heavy dosage...
The sound of the door of his ER room sliding closed snapped him from his thoughts, Dhonny apparently back from the vending machine.
"You back already?" He asked, waiting for the curtain to slide back. "Help me pull my tie off. It's-" His words stopped as he watched the curtain
slide back a bit and a body emerge from behind it. Devyn...
He was talking, obviously expecting someone else to walk into this room. Probably Dhonny. He would be sorely surprised because Devyn was here and she
was out for answers. Answers to every question that had plagued her since their break up...or whatever the hell it was. She wanted to know everything.
How he could kiss her with every fiber of his being one second and fuck Taylor Westbrooks the next. How he could let her spend a week basically
swimming in booze over him. How he could fight his best friend over a bitch he didn’t care about….They were hashing this shit out. She was getting
the answers she wanted today and then she was done with him. She couldn’t do this shit with Koi anymore. This fucking up, down, I want you, I
don’t bullshit was played. And now she was seeing that it was dangerous too.
But she didn’t know how to start. She pulled back the curtain and watched his features darken at the sight of her. She knew he blamed her for this.
That fracture was going to get him fucked up at home, she was sure and he’d gotten that shit indirectly fucking with her. But that was his choice!
The only person he should have been mad at was Koi! Oh shit, she was staring….and he was fine. Like yes he was a little black and blue, and yes he
was in a sling, but he was okay. He hadn’t left her...not that it mattered. “We are toxic…-,” that was a good way to start. It hadn’t been
what she expected to say first. She thought she might tell him something about how much of a fuck up he was, but no. She told a truth that had stared
them both in the face since they started whatever they were. They were toxic. Everything the two of them touched turned to shit and now they were
here. Both of them hurting, him physically, because they’d screwed one another.
She stepped closer to him, a sigh on her lips as she watched him pull nervously at his tie again. “You want me to…-” she let her words trail
off as she pointed to what bothered him. She probably shouldn’t have cared. It really shouldn’t have mattered. Both of them would be uncomfortable
soon enough.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Devyn? What the fuck was she doing there? Obviously, someone up high thought Koi wasn't in ENOUGH pain. He definitely needed more, right? His
features fell into a face that said he'd rather fully break his arm than be bothered at the moment as he looked away from her and stared at the
television, that house hunting shit becoming immediately more interesting. He could hear her moving into the room, her footsteps stopping...and he
could feel her. Staring. Probably trying to figure out what to say to make them being in a room after a week and a half full of drunken
texts, "get backs" and bullshit less awkward. There was nothing. There was nothing she or he could say to make anything less...weird. Fucked up. So,
she stared at him as he stared at the screen, doing everything he could to NOT look at her. He moved his arm a bit in the sling, a fresh grimace on
his face, thankful when the doctor would finally bring his ass back into the room to get the cast on him.
We are toxic... Against his better judgement, Koi looked at Devyn, the three words ringing out in the near silence of the room. They. Were.
Toxic. Deadly, even. Yeah, okay. He could agree with that. He could definitely see her point, laying in a bed after fucking up the car of the
nigga...and the nigga himself who she fucked to get back at him for "fucking" another girl. That shit. Was toxic. It was fucked. It was crazy that
they even stayed...whatever they were for so long. Because nothing that they made together ended well. Nothing that they ever did together made
anything BUT poison. Look at where they found themselves. Him, hurt. Her, fucking Derrick? It was...they were wrong together. Wrong enough for Koi to
wonder, laying in an ER room bed, if he fucked up when he offered her his J in the courtyard that day. If he shouldn't have...ignored her. Kept
walking. Because together...they were trouble. They were a fucking apocalypse. They destroyed everything.
You want me to... Koi looked away from her again, still silent as he refused to speak. She wanted to untie his tie for him. He wanted her to
stay fifty feet away from him. Then, why did he nod his head? Why didn't he even hesitate when she asked him the question? Why didn't he tell her to
stop in her fucking tracks and get the fuck out of the room? He didn't know...he just lifted his scraped chin, letting her maneuver the tie from
around his neck.
"The shirt too..." He muttered, still refusing to look at her. "...please." The doctor had only removed one arm and put it in a sling underneath his
shirt. It was awkward. And obviously there was enough awkward in the room already.
He wasn’t talking, but he nodded. He wanted the tie off and that urge was stronger than his hate for her. She stepped up again, this time close
enough touch him, something she’d wanted to do since losing him. She was careful as she pulled at the knot, hoping not to make any of the pain he
was in worse. She knew her being there was already enough. It was undone and she pulled one side, letting the tie slide from around his neck. She laid
it over the foot of his bed turning back to finally hear him speak to her. The shirt too...please. Devyn smiled a little. He was such a
fucking baby. Here he was pouting and refusing to look at or speak to her over some bullshit, while she helped him ease just a little bit of the pain
he was in. If they had’ve been friendlier, she might hav teased him about it. But they weren’t and she didn’t. Instead she came back to him,
unbottoning his shirt to remove.
“Why?” she asked it as she made it about halfway down his button down. “Why did you do this Koi? What was this bullshit even about?” She knew
that question would piss him off, but she wasn’t playing stupid. Derrick might not have known what they were but she sure as hell did. And
“sleeping” with Derrick was grimey. She’d known that; that’s why she went over there. Grief was a hell of a drug and it made you do stupid
shit. It was a lot like love. She wondered, with her feeling both, what really might happen here. Where this conversation would go...
“You didn’t have to do him like that, kid…-,” was she defending Derrick? No. After learning that he’d somehow called Koi so that he could
hear them together, Derrick deserved a little beatdown. It just wasn’t the one Koi had given him. The poor boy was probably down the hall in the ICU
fighting to stay alive and that wasn’t right. Derrick had been his friend. A homie. Devyn used him, that was her fault. Sure, he shouldn’t have
gone for it, but why wouldn’t he? Derrick had wanted her since meeting her. She knew he was a sure thing. Yet another reason she went over there.
But that was besides the point. This whole thing was ‘beside the point’. Koi was trying to avoid what both he and Devyn knew to be true. They’d
had something. Dhonny said it this morning, she hadn’t been wrong in what she felt. Koi’d proven it today with Derrick. Otherwise why would he
fight him? For what purpose? For what reason?
These were questions that needed answers.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Why did you do this, Koi? The question that he was actually trying to work out in his own head. Why? Because the fuck if he knew why it was
so important to knock Derrick's teeth so far in the back of his throat that he'd have to brush his larynx just to get to those motherfuckers. The
obvious answer was "betrayal". Derrick's grimy behavior. But that type of griminess was typical when it came to Derrick, Koi's seconds his main
entree. He lived for the recyclables and Koi had never had a problem with that shit before. What made it different now? Same scenario...different
girl. What made Devyn different, though? They fucked...on the regular, sure. But what made it sting sharper. What made it...hurt? That thought was on
the list of "shit Koi didn't want to discuss in the ER room", yet here it was, in his face, the anger and confusion that Koi had felt when he got the
call from Devyn's phone stirring up in him as he forgot not wanting to look at her and watched Devyn unbutton his shirt.
He just didn't...see it coming. Devyn, sleeping with Derrick? No, not from her. He didn't think she would've ever been capable of...that type of shit.
A get back that made his fucking skin crawl just to think about it. Yeah, Koi had supposedly fucked Taylor, but that was different. Way different.
This was...thought out. Planned. She'd honed in on the closest thing to him outside of Dhonny and taken advantage of it. Shit, that was
like...sleeping with Miyu...which he'd already done. But, that'd been different circumstances, too! He hadn't even met Devyn yet! The betrayal wasn't
the same. This...hurt. This felt worse than a stab in the back. It was a gut blow and Devyn twisted the knife by being in the room, talking to him
like HE was the only one at fault. Asking him stupid questions like why he'd done it in the first place! He did it...he beat the SHIT out of Derrick
because...because...fuck...
"So you defendin' him?" Koi finally spoke, his eyes cutting into Devyn so hard he was sure she felt the sharpness of his stare. "You are literally in
my fuckin' room defendin' that nigga? I did what I HAD to do." Falling silent, he winced again, pulling his good arm out of the sleeve and feeling the
cold of the hospital hitting the skin his wifebeater didn't cover.
"He was a grimy lil' bitch. I fucked him up. End of story. I don't need you correcting my fucking actions." Fuck, his jaw hurt. He rubbed at it as he
stared daggers into Devyn.
"You don't hear me telling you giving that nigga PUSSY was wrong. You're a big girl, right? That's what the fuck you thought you needed to do. Good
for you." He snapped at her, his eyes going back to the television. He could feel the conversation building. The "talk" that he was done having with
her. Pointing fingers. Blaming. He was done!
"I'm not-" he cut her off, asking her the same shit he had just asked. "Koi shut the fuck up I'm not defending him!" He was pissing her off! She was
trying so fucking hard to be nice and he was pissing her off! She didn't come here to defend Derrick! She wasn't even fucking talking about Derrick.
She'd asked him what this was about. Why he did what he did. He didn't do it because of Derrick, he did it because of them. The gf that never
was as he'd so elegantly put it via text message. She knew that shit to be true now and if Koi thought he was going to sit here and ignore it, he
was wrong.
Devyn sighed as she let Koi go on. Saying how grimey Derrick was for doing what he'd done. How Koi had done what he had to do. The question was why
did he HAVE to do that? She opened her mouth to say that but he hit her with the finisher, telling her he wasn't out here criticizing her for giving
Derrick...ugh! She sucked her teeth as she put space between them and balled his fucking shirt up to throw at him.
"Fuck you! You will not sit your self righteous ass in that bed and come down on me for fucking Derrick while you started this shit by fucking
Taylor!" True enough. She didn't fuck Derrick at all, but she intended to! He wanted to be mad at her over that bullshit that wasn't even true? So
fucking be it.
"I tried talking to you for a fucking week after what happened with your dad and you didn't give me shit! Oh. Fuck! Yes you did. You fucking LIED!
Told me you were over the shit...gave me that kiss...-" she wasn't yelling anymore. Fuck! She was not going to cry in front of him. Never
a-fucking-gain!
"That was fucked up, Koi. You know it."
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
What-the fuck-ever. No, seriously. What the hell had Devyn expected to walk into when she came into the room firing off questions? Kumbaya? A hug and
some make up sex? Right. There was just as much annoyance and hate in Koi for her as there had been when he was laying hands on Derrick. He
was done. How many more ways could he say it and get her to understand? He'd said it in the hall when she came to him in the hallway, demanding an
answer about his night (or lack thereof) with Taylor. He didn't owe her shit! Not answers and definitely not repetition as she kept asking him the
same thing over and over and she could mute it! That was the opposite of what she wanted to do, her voice raising as she told him to shut the fuck up.
Maybe she should've followed her own damn demands. And the fact that she truly thought she wasn't defending him? Come. On. Asking him what his purpose
was behind whoopin' Derrick's ass? It wasn't obvious? He was a fucking snake. He got cut down. The end.
"Yes, continue to make an ass of yourself with motherfuckin' assumptions, Devyn." He spoke over her rant about how it was unfair for him to call her
out for giving pussy to what he thought was his best friend when he'd fucked Taylor and started the whole thing. And when had he said that? When had
he completely come out to her and told her ways and positions that he'd put Taylor in during the sex that they DIDN'T have?
"You sou- YOU SOUND fuckin' CRAZY." He spoke again, sitting up further on the bed. He winced again as the sudden movement send a fresh wave of pain
through his arm. His eyes rolled at Devyn's rant about the night that he supposedly spent with Taylor. Wasn't she DONE with this yet? Was it not over?
Okay, so he told her he'd meet up with her for dinner and never did because he was too busy doing lines with Derrick and Taylor. So the fuck what!?
She couldn't be angry abo- ...you gave me that kiss... The anger in his face mingled with shame as he looked away from her, hoping to hid the
quick change in his expression. Yeah, okay. He'd kissed her. The entire time he'd been trying to stay away from her during that conversation and he'd
made the mistake of kissing her. He still remembered that kiss, his fingers twisted into her hair, holding her to him. The feeling of every single
issue they'd seen fading into nothing. He remembered.
He didn't answer her last statement but yes, he knew. He got it. It was fucked to say he'd meet up with her and then not do it. But was it really
worth all of THIS? Fussing at him so loudly that if it wasn't for the thick glass of the sliding door, someone would've come in to see what all the
commotion was. He was just...fuck. He was just tired of getting fussed at and pulled on. He was tired. He ran his good hand over his face, a exhausted
sigh bringing his back to the thin pillow on the back of the bed.
"I get it. I lied to you. That was fucked." He admitted, his voice mirroring how tired he felt. "I didn't want to talk anymore Devyn. I didn't want to
go back and forth with you then and I don't wanna fucking do it now. You just-you fucking do this thing where you won't leave shit ALONE!"
She sounded crazy?! She was making an ass out of herself?! Was he fucking joking? If she sounded crazy and all she was doing was stating the
fucking facts, what did that mean for him? She was talking about all the shit he'd done. How he had ruined them. Devyn did nothing but try to fix with
Koi. She knew she'd fucked up trying to talk to his dad that night she'd owned that and apologized a hundred times and what did she get in return? The
prequel to a sex tape of he and Taylor. Without even the common decency of a phone call to tell her she wasn't fucking with her anymore. Where and
when did he finally tell her? In a crowded hallway of their classmates, when he knew she was already raw from that video. He did that shit to hurt her
and all she wanted to know was why. In everything they'd shared; why? That made her crazy?
She watched Koi's face change as she mentioned that kiss. He looked away from her but she saw it there. The shame. He knew how fucked up what he'd
done was. He just refused to admit that to Devyn...or did he? I get it. I lied to you. That was fucked. "What's this? Koi Kidd finally
admitting he fucked up? How-" he cut her off. Telling her he hadn't wanted to talk back then. That he didn't want to talk now. "Fuck what you want!"
She hadn't meant to say that. It just kind of came out, but it wasn't wrong and she didn't take it back. She was tired of doing what Koi wanted. It
was the reason she was in this stupid mess. Koi didn't do titles and Devyn never asked for one. Koi avoided emotions, Devyn did her best to keep hers
under wraps. Fuck that. They were past it now.
"What about what I want Koi?! I fucking gave you everything! All you ever had to do was ask me and it was fucking done. I've been doing what you want
for too fucking long and I'm over it now. You know what I wanted?" She paused. Did she really want to be the first to have a vulnerable moment with
him? It got her in trouble every time...and yet she was here doing it again. "You. I wanted you. I told you that the night I found out about my mom. I
wanted you. Flaws and all. I didn't ask for anything more than you."
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Fuck what he wanted? Koi fell silent, his eyes narrowing in disbelief as Devyn her words blurted out over his. That's the conclusion she'd come to,
huh? That what he wanted didn't matter because it was about what she wanted now? When the fuck hadn't it been? The time she got pissed when he called
her "homie" in the middle of making out with him? No, not then...because she'd flat out fucked up his birthday on account of that. Oh, what about the
time, just a few WEEKS ago, when he'd tried to shut her up before she'd done the stupid thing of attempting an adult conversation with his childish
ass father? No, that had definitely been about her, a fight starting because she would LISTEN to him and know that he knew his parents better than SHE
did. That was it though, right? She knew better than he did? Even about HIMSELF? Which was why when he flat out TOLD her who he was, she pushed and
prodded anyway? FUCK! He just wanted, beyond anything, for her to get the fuck out of his room, stop reminding him of what he was incapable of and
just leave him alo-
You. I wanted you...
Koi's thoughts halted to a quick stop when he heard those words. His head snapping up to face her, his eyes starting at her. All she wanted was him.
He remembered that night. After she'd gotten the news of her mother's death. He remembered asking her if...if she really wanted him. With all the
bullshit. With all of his flaws. And she'd told him "yes". She'd given herself to him. All the way. No fucking short stops. And even though he'd asked
her if she wanted all of him, he'd...he'd never meant to give her everything. Because she couldn't TAKE everything. She didn't deserve all of the dirt
and the filth that he was. No one did. But most importantly, she didn't. But she wanted him anyway...and she'd done thing thing he'd always
told her never to do...
"That was on you then..." He said softly, the anger fully melting as shame settled on where it had abandoned. "I told you..." His face wrinkled again,
the ripple of "shame" leaving.
"I told you not to fall for me. I told you I didn't do fucking relationships, Devyn. I showed you who I was and you ignored it and...truth is, I never
deserved you." His eyes widened as he looked away from her, surprised he'd said the words that had just left his mouth.
"I call Derrick grimy, but what the fuck am I? I know who I am, Devyn and I...never deserved a girl like you. The fuck did you think this was? You'd
win me over? We'd get married and shit? A couple of babies and a picket fence and...then just when you let yourself think you livin' the 'American
fucking Dream', you come home and I'm fuckin' the maid? And all you can do is hate me and yourself because I TOLD YOU? I told you who I was! And the
kids hate my ass too because I'm exactly like their no good, cheatin' ass grandfa-..."
Koi blinked quickly as he looked away and down at his hands, clinched so tightly into fists that there were crescent-shaped red marks on his palms
when he shakily opened them.
"I'm not a good guy. That's who I am. That's me." He spoke, his voice shaking with anger.
That was on you then...Devyn shook her head at his response, rolling her eyes as he kept talking. Un-fucking-believable. Every time. Every
time she opened herself up to him like this he took the opportunity to punch her in her fucking chest. Why did she keep letting him hurt her like
this? What the hell was she doing in this room with him? She came.She saw. Koi was fine and she could go. None of her questions should have mattered
because they were done. And the more she listened to him talk, the more she wondered why she wasn't okay with that. Koi knew exactly what buttons to
push with Devyn to push her away and it was working. He was right though. This was her fault. She'd fallen for him. She loved him. He told her the
feeling would never be mutual and she was starting to believe it...until-
Devyn's eyebrows furrowed as Koi said something that she never would have imagined anyone saying to her. He didn't deserve her. She didn't understand.
As well as Koi knew her and as much time as they'd spent together, he had to know that wasn't true. Devyn had a pretty good grasp on the things she
found worth her time in her life. Maybe she'd been a little confused about herself lately, but she didn't waste time with people she didn't find
worthy. With the exception of yesterday and his birthday, the most Derrick got from her on his best day was a smile and a wave. Why? Because Derrick
wasn't worthy. Derrick didn't deserve her...Koi? Knew knew her like no one else on the planet did. He put up with her mood swings and her bullshit
and...her. He'd earned her love, but he somehow didn't think he deserved it.
She was going to tell him that, but he wasn't finished. Asking her what she thought this was. What she thought they were going to be...Comparing them
to his parents. No. Absolutely not. She told him after he was finished chewing her out in the hall that day and she would tell him again if he needed
to hear it. He was not his father. Shemar Kidd was a childish, creepy, asshole. Koi was not any of those things until he chose to be. He didn't have
to be Shemar. He didn't have to carry that weight, but he was hell bent on doing just that. And denying himself happiness in the process. That's what
this was all about. Koi talked a good game about not caring and not calling what they had by a title because they didn't need one and Devyn had almost
believed it...but that wasn't it at all was it?
"You're wrong-," she said it simply, pausing and hoping he'd look at her. He didn't and she continued anyway. "I didn't ignore you when you showed me
who you were and you never showed me you were Shemar...Look at me-," she waited again. She needed him to hear her when he said this because whether
they fixed this or not she was not going to let him keep fucking up his life because he thought he was Shemar Kidd. "You are not your father. You are
not Shemar. I am not Fumie. We are not them." Those were just the facts. No offense or anything, but they were not his fucked up parents. They weren't
her fucked up parents either. Koi was so into not labeling things, but did he even realize he'd labeled them "doomed" before they even started
this?
"I never asked you for a relationship, kid. It's what you gave me and don't say you didn't because look at us," Devyn pointed at herself and then at
him and back again, "This is a break up. A bad one." She shook her head, trying to figure out what would make it through to him. What would make him
see that he didn't have to fear them turning out like Fumie and Shemar. That Devyn wasn't and would never be the woman that Fumie was. The woman that
her own mother was. She was stronger than that and Koi should have known better...She may not have been acting like it the last few days, but he knew
her. Even in her weakest state she could be fierce.
"Just be real with me for a fucking minute, Koi. Why did you fight Derrick? And don't tell me it was about him, because it wasn't. I know it wasn't."
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Wrong? No, just about everything Koi had said about himself sounded right. When Koi looked in the mirror, he saw a "Shemar Kidd-in-training" staring
right back at him. Disrespectful, cocky...unfaithful. Never fucking faithful...and at least he knew that about himself, ready to end the
cycle of "sorry ass nigga" as soon as he could. Because nothing...nothing would make him do to any female what his father had done to his
mother. He wondered sometimes...what his mother would've been if she hadn't fallen for his father. Maybe she would've been stronger. Maybe she
would've been more of a mother when she got the chance to be, the right nigga at her side. Or maybe...once upon a time, she'd BEEN Devyn. Strong,
independent. Smart as fuck. Beautiful. But his father had ruined her...killed her from the inside. Ate her alive. Koi couldn't do that. Not to Devyn.
He respected her too much. Yeah, he was sure she couldn't tell it now with the lie of his night with Taylor and his dissing her the way he'd done in
the hallways fresh in her mind. But he did. He saw her for who she was...and who she could be...with the right man at her side. And...he wasn't that
man. But she wouldn't hear that. She wouldn't let him save her from himself.
He shook his head slowly as she tried to tell him who he was, who she saw when she looked at him and he was sure...that his mother had probably seen
the same things in his father. That she had only wanted to see the best. That she covered up the warning signs and decided to follow her heart and not
her mind. Devyn was too smart for him to LET her be that stupid...which was what Shemar should've done for Fumie. But he was too much of a selfish
fuck. He wanted what he wanted and all he could see was owning the woman who was obviously too good for him. If there was one thing that Koi could
say, he wouldn't let that happen to Devyn. He wasn't selfish enough for that shit.
I never asked you for a relationship... He had to admit she wasn't lying. She'd never said the words, but Koi knew what was up. It would've
taken someone blind to not see the way she looked at him...hell, the way he caught himself looking at her. When they were together, he was glad that
people never asked because he would never know what to tell them. Not like they deserved an answer. But sometimes, he felt like she did. The "we know
what we are" bit only lasted so long before time together turned into "dating" and the sex turned from fucking to "making..." Even now, Koi couldn't
allow himself to think that word. Because everything that he'd tried to stay away from when it came to females ended up crossing the thick, block of a
line he thought he'd drawn when it came to relationships. But Devyn...fuck. She was different. And she knew she was. Every one knew she was, even
Derrick. Everyone, except Koi. And only because he didn't want to admit it.
He stayed silent as she shook her head at him, falling silent for a moment. He watched her, wondering what was going through her head, almost afraid
of what she would say next because everything was...true. The only thing missing from their situation was a title. He'd "cheated", she'd "cheated".
And now they were here. Her, nursing a broken heart and he, nursing a broken arm...among other things. And yet, hearing her tell him to just be real
about what happened between he and Derrick still made his teeth clench against the truth.
"Don't do this, Devyn..." He spoke through his teeth, his eyes turning away from her again.
"You already know what it was about. He fucked you. He was the homie. Stop pushing..."
Don't do what? Ask him to tell her the truth for once?Koi had been lying and keeping secrets from her for too long now and that was not who they were.
It never had been. With all the arguments they had over petty shit, Koi never had a problem telling her what he really thought about something. How he
felt...but that was it wasn't it? This wasn't "petty shit". It was real shit and it was hitting the fan right now. Devyn wasn't leaving without real
answers to her questions. She'd been plagued with too much for the last week for "I don't deserve you" to be an acceptable response. If she was so
great why had he fucked Taylor? What was it she had that Devyn didn't? There had to be some reason behind all of this and she needed to know what it
was if she was going to keep her sanity. But Koi kept lying. Ugh!! He fucked you.
"No, he didn't!" There. It was out. This was only the second person to say that shit to her, but already she was sick of hearing about the sleepover
that never fucking was. She didn't fuck Derrick. In fact, he barely touched her and now Koi knew the truth. So was he still going to cling to the
"smashed the homie" excuse? No because she wasn't going to let him. "But even if he did, so the fuck what? Because we aren't together. You're not
my man. You could fuck a bitch in my face and I still wouldn't deserve an answer-," Her voice was calm again as she recited his shit. Word for
word. She remembered it like it was yesterday. Hell, she had lived the past week remembering it like it had happened 30 seconds before whatever shot
she was taking at the time. "You remember saying that shit to me Koi? Huh?"
Fuck yes he remembered. She could see it in the way he flinched when he heard his words again. He remembered telling her she didn't mean shit to him.
That he was done with her. That they weren't and never would be what she wanted them to be...He remember telling her that he could've fucked Taylor
while she watched and Devyn wouldn't have been able to say shit about it. So why couldn't Derrick fuck her if he didn't give a shit then? What the
fuck did it matter that his boy was once again picking up his leftovers like the stray puppy he was.
"DO YOU?!" Her question hadn't been rhetorical. She wanted to hear him say that he remembered. "You didn't give a shit about me then, but now that I
might be with somebody else I matter?! What fucking part of the game is this, Koi? What the hell are you doing?!"
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
No, I didn't! Koi forgot that he was trying his damnedest to not look Devyn. He needed to see her eyes...needed to know that she was telling
the truth. Not like he doubted her. She didn't have any reason to lie. Neither of them did, not when they were baring their souls to one another. It
was all on the table now, pretense leaving the moment that she'd stepped into his ER room. The memories of what he heard on the phone and what she'd
just confessed swirled into confusion though, Koi's stare refusing to leave her as she spoke. And his thoughts couldn't leave how fucked it was how
thought about how, without question, that he'd believed it what he'd heard. No doubt rising in him at all. Totally consumed with the fact that she'd
gone and slept with a nigga he just KNEW had his back. But, when it came to he and Taylor, she believed it too. They wanted to think the worst about
each other. That was where this anti-relationship had them. Pointing fingers, get backs based on assumptions, broken arms and promises. This was what
she wanted? When she said she wanted him, was this what she saw? As she repeated every word he'd said to her in front of the King's Prep student body,
he wondered if she saw the decay that they were. If they were so fucking "toxic", why was she still here, asking him questions? Prying for answers
that he still didn't want to give?
His face crumpled as he heard his words come from her lips, the words still sounding as harsh as when he'd said them. He'd thought about what he'd
said to her laying on his bed in his room, the silence pressing on him so hard that all he could do was think. He knew that she didn't deserve that
diss, but he knew why he said them. To push her away. To keep her away from someone like him. To save her. But she wasn't trying to hear
that, her question still ringing in the emptiness that his refusal to talk was bringing.
You remember saying that shit to me Koi? How could he not. And he would say it again. If it meant her leaving his doomed ass alone and
finding someone that was worth her. And he didn't mean Derrick's ass. No, he meant a real nice nigga. Someone that could give her the relationship she
wanted. Someone who could give her a fat ring, no drama and a future. But Devyn didn't want the answer Koi was willing to give. She wanted the truth.
She wanted to hear the one thing...the one reason that Koi KNEW would think there was hope. The one reason that he'd been hiding behind anger, lies
and arguments. The thing he'd felt a while ago and the only thing he could fucking do was run as fast as he could from it. DO YOU?! Koi's
head snapped up as Devyn's voice raised, his nose flaring at the challenge in her voice
"Lower your fucking voice talkin' to me li-" He hissed through clenched teeth, only to be interrupted by another challenge.
"Game? Nobody's playing a game with your ass! You just don't wanna hear the fuckin' truth! Yeah, keep pushin' until you get something."
She would not lower her fucking voice for anything! He could shut that shit right up. She was done with him and his little pity party. He thought he
was the only one with a fucked up life? Fucked up parents? They didn't have to be them. Her brother, Kareem thought he had to be their father too and
she hated to think of what he might be doing at this very moment. Koi needed to let this shit go and just be honest with her...or at the very least
himself. He knew none of the shit he was saying was right. He knew it wasn't what he was really feeling and he was going to admit that. She was trying
to help him and he was frustrating her to high hell!
You just don't want to hear the fuckin' truth! Actually that was exactly what she wanted to hear! Devyn heaved an aggravated sigh, throwing
her hands up as she turned away from him. Koi was INFURIATING! Why was he trying to make this a fight!? She knew the truth! He knew the truth! Why
wouldn't he just say it and be done? She hated that he had the power to do this to her. That he could so easily make her doubt herself. Maybe she was
completely crazy and Koi felt nothing for her and he fought Derrick because he finally got sick of him hitting his leftovers. Maybe Dev was just the
last straw. Maybe all this was for not...but she didn't want to believe that. There was more to it.
"You're damn right I'm going to keep fucking pushing!" She turned back to face him, her voice louder than before. "I let you have whatever you wanted
from me before and fucking look at me! I NEVER fucking pushed you for the things I wanted. Not even after Valentine's Day! I let you rock...-" her
voice trailed off. That was cold. Bringing up Valentine's Day was harsh and she knew that. She let the silence linger after it for a while...but she
wasn't done.
"And you did this to me? For what? You ruined us to fuck Taylor Westbrooks because she...what? What was it that Taylor did for you that I
couldn't? What did she have that I didn't? Because I've been killing myself for DAYS over this shit." That was almost too honest. She'd opened herself
up for Koi to fuck her over again, but it was out now and she really did want to know. What was it about Taylor that made him throw what they had
away. Devyn was everything to him...or at least that was what she thought...He had certainly been everything to her.
"Why wasn't I good enough?"
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Koi's frustrated groan filled the room as Devyn started talking again, telling him she would keep "fucking pushing" him. That she wasn't quitting the
discussion, she wasn't backing off...not until she got what she wanted. And he knew it when he felt it...fear rose in him, so fucking high that he was
nearly choking on it as he watched the anger in her face, as he listened to her voice escalate, yelling at him even louder. Yelling about how she'd
let him do whatever the fuck he'd wanted to do before and now, she was here. That she'd fucking given everything, let him have his way...and she was
still fucking here. And he felt like...shit about it. Because he knew it was true, even before she mentioned...Valentine's Day. A invisible jolt went
through him when the words left her mouth, his face grimacing with the sour that the memory left in his mouth. He was back there in the bed with her
for a moment, his body covered in sweat. Her body, still next to his. And everything he'd done... She'd given even more of herself than he honestly
should've taken from her. She was right. She carried everything. But didn't she know that this would be her fucking life if she stayed with him? If
she kept fighting him...if she kept trying to love him? Didn't she fucking get it?
Taylor Westbrooks... She was talking about Taylor. How everything was ruined because he wanted Taylor...because he found something in Taylor
that she could never be. No. That wasn't it...at all. His head shook as she kept talking, kept telling him how she'd spent DAYS trying to
figure out what Taylor was that she wasn't. That he'd shaken her that badly that now, she couldn't even see who the fuck she was anymore. Fuck. The
fear was choking his breath. He couldn't...keep sitting there and listening to her. He couldn't keep letting her tell the lies she was telling
herself. But fuck if he could tell her the truth! He couldn't. Because he didn't...fucking...he didn't fucking deserve her. And he knew what the truth
would mean when he finally admitted it. But he couldn't lie anymore...not to her. Not to himself. It was killing him. Making his body ache more than
his fucking arm did...and he knew it was wrong, but...
"She didn't have SHIT ON YOU!" His voice boomed, Devyn's silence meeting the echo of his words. "She didn't. That's I couldn't sleep with her. I
couldn't touch her, Dev. I couldn't fucking do it!" He shrugged, wincing as his arm protested with a shooting pain that made him remember his
injuries. All of them. Not just because of Derrick...
"...I wanted to! Not because I wanted that fucking ratchet! At ALL! I didn't even want her! No. I had to do it. I had to! Because I couldn't...let you
change me. I couldn't stop...being what I knew-I mean I KNEW I WAS!" His hands shook as he spoke, not even seeing Devyn anymore. His heart raced as he
felt the truth flowing out of him. And he couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop...
"I couldn't let Derrick be right. Because he saw it! Dhonny saw it, too! Everyone fucking saw it! I had to fight it! I couldn't keep FALLING FOR YOU.
I couldn't le-couldn't let you make me LOVE YOU, DEVYN!"
Koi's voice was deafening as he responded to her. Her questions about Taylor. Taylor didn't have shit on her, huh? Well what was it? Why had he torn
them apart. It wasn't the fight with his dad and it wasn't because he wanted Taylor then what? Why did-what? He couldn't sleep with her?
Devyn's eyebrows knitted together as she tried to wrap her head around that. She had been so certain. She asked him again and again and he wouldn't
tell her anything. Devyn figured he just wanted to torture her with wondering. She figured he and Taylor got together every night and had a good
fucking laugh at her expense because they knew she was still agonizing over whether or not he was fucking her. All of that and he didn't sleep with
her?
"But...the video-," She was speaking more to herself than him. Trying to rationalize why she thought what she had. Koi shrugged in response to that
and Dev could admit it was weak. The video was shit. He'd made out with Taylor yes and her hand was down his pants, but the video didn't have shit in
it really. He'd stopped. He didn't do it. He couldn't do it. Something else he couldn't do? Let Derrick be right...Right about what?
What did Koi mean he saw it? Derrick knew what Koi and Devyn were and he still went for Devyn throwing herself at him? That was fucked up. And for
that he did deserve to have his ass beat the way he had. He should have been ashamed of him-Koi threw her for another loop.
Devyn felt herself waver on the spot. Her legs going weak with what she'd just heard him say. What he'd finally been able to acknowledge. He fell for
her. Koi Kidd fell for her. More than that, Koi Kidd loved her. He said the "L-word" in relation to her and she couldn't argue anymore. She couldn't
even think. Her brain turned to mush with Koi's confession, but the one thing she could think? She wanted to hear it again.
"What?"
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
If words were reversible, Koi would've taken everything back that he'd just said to Devyn. Not because anything he'd said to her had hurt her. He
doubted he had, even though she looked like she'd forgotten every word she'd ever known and used. But the words scared him. Words like "fall"
and "love" didn't enter his vocabulary...for any female. For any reason. And he didn't use words that he didn't understand. Even now that he'd said
them to Devyn, he still didn't fully comprehend them. The fuck was he supposed to know what "love" meant? He wasn't Dhonny. His house didn't have love
pouring out the fucking windows. He didn't see love at home, the word sounding like a foreign language if it came out of Fumie or Shemar's mouth. At
the moment, even though the words he'd said "fit", they were still so...weird. Like a food he'd never tasted before. They felt unfamiliar on his
tongue, his lips pressing against each other like they were willing nothing else to come out of them. Shit, after saying what he'd said...who the fuck
knew what was going to come out of his mouth next. And Devyn... She still hadn't spoken, her eyes staring at him like she was seeing him for
the first time...and he had three eyes and one leg. He frowned and looked away from her, staring at his hands that were clasped together tight, just
to stop them from shaking. Because he couldn't watch her try to figure out what she was going to say next. Not when he'd put her through hell and then
dropped a shit bomb like this on her. Not when he'd trapped her in his hurricane of emotions for the past week, a storm brewing again with the words
he'd just said.
What?
Koi sighed as Deyvn finally broke the silence of the room, the commotion in the hallway and other patient ER rooms their only noise for what seemed
like hours. Her question was simple. What the fuck had he just said? Koi wasn't surprised. He expected that to be her reaction. He'd just
told her the one thing that he'd sworn to never say to anyone. He'd just told her that he'd fallen for her. And that...he...
"I said-" He blew out air again, wringing his hands nervously. " I said...I love you." He said again, fighting the urge to get up, leave that room and
go...anywhere. ANYWHERE but where he was. Because...fuck him it was the fucking truth. He fell for her. He did the thing Koi Kidd would never do. He
met a girl. And fucking fell for her.
"I lied to you, I tried to fuck Taylor, I failed and I beat the shit out of Derrick because I fucking love you." Shaking his head, he chuckled sourly
at himself. The nervousness he felt was slowly shifting to a heaviness in the pit of his stomach. Warmth and then, burning in his cheeks.
Embarrassment. He was fucking...embarrassed. All of this. All of this shit that he'd put her through because he was fucking in love with her?
I said I love you. He wasn't looking at her as he said it again, his hands wringing together nervously. I said I love you. Devyn
could feel her heart drop to her shoes and her eyes begin to fill. She didn't want to cry. She didn't want to scare him and make this a big deal...but
it was. It was a huge deal. He was finally telling her she wasn't crazy. That what she thought they had was real. That what she felt was real. That
the way he sometimes fixed an out of place hair while she was talking to someone else wasn't him just being nice. He loved her. And that's what he'd
told her. I said I love you. She had to be in a dream. None of this felt real. She wasn't sure if she was breathing, her face felt hot,
and...when had she made it to his bedside? She didn't remember telling her brain to make her feet move, but she was beside him. Leaning in. Letting
her lips twist against his the way they always did when the two of them kissed. Nothing was different about them. The week hadn't changed them and him
telling her he loved her hadn't either. Because the truth was...he had always loved her.
Devyn heard herself moan into his mouth as she tasted him for the first time since that day on the bleachers. Since the end of them. This wasn't an
end though. It was a beginning. Wasn't it? It felt like it with the way he kissed her back, his lips pulling at hers like he'd missed her just as much
as she'd missed him. Like the people they'd kissed in between one another didn't exist and there was what there always was. A world where only the two
of them existed and only the two of them mattered. Well the two of them and his arm.
Devyn felt Koi tense beneath him and she pulled back. She'd been leaning on his arm. "Oh my God, I'm sorry!" She said it but she couldn't keep the
smile from her lips. She meant it. She did, but...he loved her. She was sure the smile was a permanent feature.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
He waited. Koi...waited. He waited on the yelling and name calling. He waited for her to tell him how fucking "ain't shit" he was. He waited to hear
how it'd taken him ALL OF THIS just to admit something so simple as the three words that he'd said to her. The three words that Devyn probably had
been waiting for long than Koi even knew. He just...waited. Because he knew everything that he feared was coming. There was no way that she, after
hearing him say, time and time again, how he didn't want a relationship with her and he didn't "do" titles, would look at him and love him the fuck
back. There was no way. Koi couldn't even LOOK at her because the fury that she was probably wearing would've made him even more embarrassed. The fuck
was he doing? The fuck did he JUST DO? The Kidd. Koi "fuck em' and forget em'" Kidd...just said "love"? He didn't...know what to do with himself. He
didn't know this feeling. His stomach feeling like a bad come down, his palms feeling clammy. His brain nearly shutting down for the goddamn shock
alone. Who the fuck was this nigga in his body, using his lips, proclaiming undying love to his best friend? Because it was...undying. It was that
burn in your chest, keep you up at night, make you lose your fucking mind "love". He didn't know what to do...but now, he knew that this had to be
what love felt like...
"I'm an asshole, I kn-" Before he could finish his word, his voice breaking the silence, he saw Devyn's feet walking towards him, faster than he was
comfortable with with a broken fucking arm. He flinched on instinct, ready for her hand to connect with his face...instead, her lips did. His eyes
widened as the force of her kiss pushed his head backwards, his arm going around her waist as she leaned into him. Her moan closed his eyes, his lips
falling in time with hers, his tongue slipping between her lips. He pressed her closer to him, the warmth that he'd been missing from her touching the
skin that wasn't covered by his undershirt. He wanted to be closer and so did she, her body leaning in more as-
Fuck. His body tensed as she touched his injured arm, wincing again from the sudden pain. Devyn pulled away quickly, apologies on her
lips.
"I'm okay..." He said, pulling his legs over the side of the bed as his hand reached for her arm, drawing her closer, between his legs, the hand on
his uninjured arm holding her waist...his lips returning to hers. He felt her against him even more now, her arm rounding the shoulder that was out of
the sling. She pressed against him even more, her lips craving his like his needed hers. Telling him that she forgave him. That she wanted him. That
she loved him too. He'd never...felt...this. He was wearing the moment like unfamiliar clothes...because he never knew that it was like this. That he
could feel so fucking sure and so fucking scared at the same time.
His kiss left her lips and slipped to her chin...her jawline...and then to her neck, sucking the crook of her neck. He just...he wanted to touch her.
The way he was kissing her? It was different...freer. Like he knew now that it was okay to want to touch all of her at once. Like he knew that it was
okay to let himself...love her.
He moaned softly as the kiss that returned to her lips grew more...intense, the hand that held her waist slipping lower, grabbing much more than just
her ass through the fabric of her uniform skirt.
He was okay. They were more than okay as Koi sat up and reached for her, pulling her between his legs to continue their kiss. She wanted to be closer,
her arm falling around his uninjured shoulder as as pulled him in, her chest flush against his. This. This was everything they could have been in the
past weeks...hell, since they'd known one another. This was what they had been since his mother's gala, but now there was a name to it. A title. A
purpose. They weren't fuck buddies. They weren't homies. They weren't...whatever the fuck they were before. They were in love. She was his and he was
hers and even though neither of them had said it yet, she could taste it in his kiss. Devyn was his girlfriend.
She moaned as he sucked at her neck, surely leaving a mark that would add to the rumors already swirling about her. She didn't give a shit now. Now
most of the rumors were true and she would gladly confirm them as Koi Kidd's girlfriend. After all the bullshit and the hiding and the lies of
omission...She was his girlfriend. They laughed, they talked, they fucked. They were a fucking couple and right now they were acting like it, his hand
reaching beyond her ass and beneath her skirt, the tips of his fingers between her thighs.
Her moan matched his as their kiss intensified. She couldn't stop. She knew she should have. They were in a hospital room for Christ's sake. She
hadn't locked the door on her way in and he was fucked up from the fight. He probably wasn't even up for this. But she couldn't tell with the way he
touched her, his fingers tickling her through her panties. Devyn moaned again as her free hand came between them, careful not to graze his arm. She
pulled at his belt, his hips jerking up as she undid it. She thought about apologizing again, sure that she was being too rough with him, but her lips
were busy...but someone else's weren't. A throat cleared behind her and Devyn turned. Dhonny. She smiled, a soft giggle on her lips as she turned back
to Koi, her lips meeting his for a final time before she buried her face in the crook of his neck and laughed again.
"Hi, D-," he knew what happened whenever he left them alone together. "We worked it out."
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
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