Koi had been holding her at arms length for a week and a half now and it worried her. Since the fight with his father, Koi had been treating her like
a complete stranger. Ignoring mosts of her texts, rushing her off the phone...he hadn’t touched her since the morning of the fight and there was
nothing she could say to him that seemed to change that. She fucked up. She knew that and she’d admitted it that day. She was sorry for all the
trouble she’d caused by trying to make things right with his father, but she couldn’t understand why he was holding on to it for so long. They
should have been good by now. At the very least they should have been speaking to one another on a regular basis. Hell, at least saying something more
than ‘can I borrow your chem notes later’...yes. He was skipping chemistry to avoid her. She couldn’t take that shit anymore.
So she was looking for him. She found Dhonny first who’d told her Koi was skipping chemistry yet again. She highly doubted he’d be going home, but
if he was it would have to cross the field to do it. If he wasn’t, he’d probably be out here getting high. Either way, she found herself on the
football field hoping to run into the kid and just talk to him for a second. Something she hadn’t been able to do in a while...and low and
behold…
Her eyes caught sight of him and just as she guessed he was smoking a J and being broody...She was sick of it. She snuck up on him, his attention not
falling to her until he heard her coming up the steel steps of the bleachers. “Kid...Hey-,” she spoke as she stopped beside him, looking awkwardly
out onto the empty field. She didn’t know what to say, but she knew something needed to be said…
“You mind if I sit?”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
The silence in the stands where he sat was the only thing that Koi hadn't been avoiding since the fight with his Pops. Lately, any chance he had to
get away from everything? He took it. He hadn't seen his family since, dodging them as well as he could and only returning home, as he was slumming at
Derrick's house, to pick up clothes when he knew for certain that no one would be there. His mother had reached out to him a couple of times before
giving up and his father...had been the same lousy ass motherfucker that he'd always been and hadn't said a word about what had gone down in the
kitchen. Koi didn't give a shit now. When he'd figured out just how done he really was, he meant to stay that way. The drama of his family was just
one more thing that he had to balance and the easiest thing was to just drop everything and escape...only he couldn't drop everything. His
family shit aside, he tried to keep his mind empty as he sat on the bleacher, smoke curling into the sky. And he'd pretty much succeeded, all the
bullshit leaving him with the smoke. He sighed as he shifted, rubbing his hand through his curls, silently cursing himself for that one thing that
just wouldn't stay off repeat.
Devyn. Thoughts of her. Feelings about her. Emotions he didn't need. Screaming shit he didn't want to hear. His eyes narrowed, ignoring the
palm tree leaves swaying softly in the breeze, the field, the sapphire blue sky as he stared off into nothing. He was tired of thinking about her.
Since the night in the kitchen, she'd been trying, nonstop, to contact him. Probably because she knew she fucked up...and probably because Koi was
saying less than five words to her every time they spoke and touching her even less. He just...couldn't. He couldn't...shit, he didn't know. He wasn't
as angry with her as he'd been the night everything had happened, leaving her to crash over Dhonny's. But he couldn't help how he felt every time he
looked at his screen and her number was flashing there. Every time he got a text and her name was attached to it.
He sighed again, taking a drag from the blunt between his fingers...until he heard steps on the stairs of the stands, his eyes blinking slowly in
annoyance as he looked away from the nothing and stared...at Devyn. He smirked a little as he watched her walk up the stairs; her skirt a little too
short. Her hair as black as ever...face perfect. Anybody in their right mind would've been hyped that she was calling their name, paying attention to
THEM. Koi was pretty sure that meant he was as fucked up as he was beginning to think he was.
"Hey..." He said simply, his eyes still on her. He looked up at her as she stood for a moment, looking into the blank space his eyes had just left.
You mind if I sit? Yes. His mind said it before he could even think of an answer. He did mind. Because he knew what sitting meant. The same
thing it'd meant as of late. Talking. Conversing about shit he didn't want to even think about. But his mouth didn't get the message.
Nah. Sit…Well that was something she guessed. He knew what telling her to sit meant. They obviously weren’t about to take this time to
cuddle and just be...although, if he’d have asked for that she wouldn’t have said a word. If he’d have told her to say nothing and just sit with
him, she would have, but it wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted to talk. And not even about what happened…She really just wanted to hear that he
wasn’t pissed at her anymore. Or at least that he was starting to get over it. Or even that he was still mad. She just wanted him to talk to her! He
hadn’t said anything beyond the surface in too long and she was starting to lose it.
She did as she’d requested, filling the space next to him, careful not to sit too close. She didn’t want him to pull away from her. She had made
that mistake too many times in the past few days and it crushed her every time. And she did a poor job of hiding it, every time. She
knew that because Miyu had mentioned she noticed the rift after Devyn leaned into him at lunch one day. She had been laughing at something that
instantly became unfunny with Koi’s recoil from her. She didn’t know how to deal with that...not from him. She felt like the Devyn she had been
before they became...whatever they were now. She felt like he was cutting her off.
“So...I haven’t been able to get a hold of you much lately…” That was a start. She would have loved for him to say something about how he was
feeling about her or the situation or...the fucking weather. Devyn just wanted him to giver her something. Anything...maybe she needed to open up
first?
“I miss you.”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
What had he been up to? Koi didn't have a reply for Devyn's question. Because everything that he'd been "up to" had been for one thing...avoiding her.
And he couldn't tell her that. Not her. Maybe some random bitch he'd fucked and without her knowing, passed her on to Derrick. But not Devyn. And
knowing that made Koi's annoyance with her being there, next to him, even more apparent. But like it had been for the past week and a half, his
feelings were mixed up. More like fucked up. He hated that Devyn had gotten close enough to think that she could get an answer from Koi about
what was obviously his business. And Koi hated that he actually wanted to give her an answer. He hated that he wanted to stop feeling some kind of way
about what he saw them turning into. His fucking mother and father. All the fighting and him disconnecting because he couldn't take it
anymore. The need to push her away because she was getting...too close. Derrick had said it...and he kept saying it every time Koi ran into
him in his efforts to avoid everyone. And even though Koi argued him as much as he could, he knew it. Derrick was right. Devyn was too
close.
So Koi stayed quiet, refusing to give an answer to Devyn's question...only for her to drop another bomb. She missed him. He rubbed his palm
over his curls again, her voice making his chest ache and the emptiness of his stomach even more noticeable. Yet another thing that he couldn't reply
to. And he knew it was fucked up that he couldn't, especially since missing each other was never something that they had to fake...that they had to
lie about. He did miss her, though. And at the same time...he hadn't. He missed the things that were good about them. Sleeping beside her. The feel of
her underneath his hands. Feeling her around him...everywhere when he was inside of her. Laughing with her. Seeing her smile. He missed that.
The arguing? Her, doing the most? Suffocating when she was around? He couldn't lie and say he missed that. He just...couldn't. And now that's what
they were. That's what she represented. Suffocation.
"Yeah..." He muttered, his eyes finding hers as she searched his for something...anything. But he knew she wouldn't find anything there. He looked
away quickly, staring into the sky like he'd been when she found him on the bleachers. Silence fell between them again...uncomfortable silence.
"Yeah...I got your calls." And her voicemails. And her texts. And her direct messages. Koi bit his bottom lip, hoping to keep the shit that he was
thinking from leaving his mouth.
"I just...I've been..." He sighed, pulling from the blunt again, hoping to find something to do with his mouth that didn't involve making up some
reason why he had been avoiding her for more than a week.
He didn’t speak. She would have given anything to know what he was thinking about as she sat next to him, dancing around the questions of why
hadn’t he called her back and what had he been doing. Did he really hate her that much now? So much that he wasn’t going to give her anything?
She just didn’t get it...Yes. She’d messed up the last time they were together. Yes. She’d swerved out of her lane for just a little bit and did
a little more than she was supposed to be doing. But she’d apologized! And she knew it didn’t seem like it , but she’d been trying to give him
space. After the third day without hearing from him, she tried cutting back on contact. She wasn’t calling anymore...much. He got a few more texts
than she wanted to admit to (and yes, a drunk DM or two), but that was it. She was trying…But it was hard. She didn’t like him being
upset with her. She missed him.
And her saying so seemed to only make things worse, his hand running over his curls the way it did when he was trying to figure out pre-calc. She
tried to keep the frown from hitting her lips as an uncomfortable silence settled between them. The feeling was obviously not mutual...Maybe she
should just go. This was already turning out a lot worse than she thought it would and she didn’t want to give it the chance to get any worse. Devyn
opened her mouth to tell him she was sorry again and let him know she would go, but he spoke first, ,a simple ‘yeah’ on his lips as he finally
looked at her...If only for a second...GOD. She just wanted him to tell her what it was he was still upset about! Hell, that honestly didn’t matter
to her either. All she really needed to know was what he wanted her to do to fix it. She would do it.
...I got your calls. Devyn winced a little with that fact. She figured as much. He just never had the desire to call her back. It was her
turn to keep quiet, her teeth catching her bottom lip as she waited for more. I just...I’ve been… He stopped, his lips finding the blunt
in his hand rather than continuing to look for the words he wanted to tell her. He’s been what? Busy? Avoiding her? Ignoring her? She knew that
already. Him saying it wasn’t going to make it go away.
“That’s fine-,” her words came just above a whisper. She hadn’t meant for them to. She wanted him to think that it was fine. That she was
fine. She cleared her throat and tried again, “I get it. You’re mad at me…” Devyn shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her eyes finding her
shoes as yet another silence settled. She felt like a fucking toddler. She didn’t want to care this much. Had Koi been anyone else, getting the cut
off wouldn’t have phased her like it was now. She wouldn’t have cared at all if he were Derrick or some other random that she just blew a couple
hours with every now and again. But Devyn loved Koi. A fact that, despite scaring her shitless, she was learning to accept. Him being mad at her
mattered because he mattered.
“Koi, please-,” her eyes snapped back to his again as she started the one thing she never thought a man could get her to do. Beg. “I want to
make it right, but you gotta give me a chance…I fucked up. I’m sorry.” She was. She really was sorry about what she’d done and he
just had to give her a chance to show him that. “Let me make it up to you kid…”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
That hurt her. Knowing that Koi had heard his phone ringing HER ringtone, he'd seen her name flashing on the screen...and he still hadn't answered it.
He knew that admitting that to her would make her wince they way she did when something he said or did got to her. He wasn't about to look at her to
make sure. He wasn't about to look at her...period. Not when he knew how the sadness in her eyes would fuck his mind up even more than it was already.
Nothing was making sense...not like it had before. Everything was simpler before Devyn. The girls he fucked with knew their role. They didn't get any
closer than he let them...which was not at all. He was "The Kidd" and there was no question about that. Now? He didn't know who the fuck he was. He
was one of the niggas that he usually prided himself in NOT being. A silly ass dude that got a little too "friendly" with his bestie and left a trail
of emotions behind him when he tried to run away from his mistakes. He was one of those "silly motherfuckers". She made him one of those silly
motherfuckers.
You're mad at me... Her words made him turn his face in her direction, his eyes regrettably meeting hers again. He didn't want to look at
her...but he needed her to hear him when he said what he had to say.
"Mad?" He asked, shaking his head. "I'm not mad at you, Dev." That wasn't a lie. He wasn't mad at her. She did a stupid fucking thing when she did
exactly the opposite of what Koi'd told her to do. Engaging his Pops in any type of conversation was about a stupid as looking for a wifey in a
"thot". Virtually impossible. But that was a mistake. A mistake that pissed him off...but it didn't make him mad at her. Okay...he'd been mad for a
second. Fair enough. But he wasn't mad now. Mad was one thing...but, confused was another.
"You pissed me all the way off. But I'm not mad at you." He said simply before he tried to look away again. But her gaze held his, pulling him in as
she searched his face for any clue, any hint as to what to say to him to get things back to the way they were. And...Koi didn't know...if that was
even possible. Truth was...shit had BEEN falling apart. Since the pregnancy scare. Since Derrick noticed how much Koi had changed. Things had
shifted...and even though neither of them could really tell, it had still happened. And now, Koi couldn't see anything beyond the rift that was
building between them. More like the rift HE was building between them.
Koi sighed again as he listened to Devyn's pleas, her words making the edges of the cavern between them erode away even worse than they'd been
before.
"Stop." He rubbed his forehead roughly with his freehand. "You don't need to do anything. You're good..." But his words felt forced. Like he would've
said anything to keep Devyn from begging him. Like he would've said anything to make her stop...talking to him like some...fucking
apologetic...girlfriend. Koi shifted uncomfortably at the thought of that word, the blunt returning to his lips as he pulled deep, closing
his eyes as he exhaled.
Yes, mad. Koi was obviously upset with her and denying it didn’t make it feel any better for her. He was trying to spare her feelings; she could
tell as he lied so easily to her face. Devyn sighed, but stayed silent, letting him elaborate, although not too much. She pissed him off, but he
wasn’t mad at her anymore. Then what was this? They weren’t talking, they were seeing NONE of each other unless Devynn made a conscious effort to
find him because he was sure as hell making an effort to NOT find her. If he wasn’t mad at her why was this the longest conversation they’d had in
two weeks? He was lying and Devyn was going to ignore it.
She apologized yet again, begging him to let her make things okay between them again. This was not the biggest fight they’d ever had and they’d
come back from all of them. They could come back from this one too. Koi just had to give them the chance to try. He couldn’t do that if he kept
shutting her out…Stop. Devyn heaved another sigh of frustration. Nothing was working with him! Here he was telling her there was nothing
for her to fix while simultaneously telling her he wasn’t fucking with her anymore. Why couldn’t he just be straight with her?
“If I’m so ‘good’ Koi why the hell aren’t we in chem right now? Why have you been “getting my calls” but not returning them? What the
fuck is it-,” Devyn stopped. She was way too hype, her hands trying to keep up with her words and her frustration coming out in her tone. She just
wanted him to tell her what was going on. If he wasn’t mad at her, why was he treating her like...she didn’t want to think it. She didn’t want
to even imagine that Koi might be done with her. Over a fight with his dad? She couldn’t accept that.
“I don’t want to fight,” she was calm again, her words careful, “I want to stop fighting, bae...Don’t tell me I’m good if I’m not.”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
And the "why's" poured in. More questions that Koi didn't want to answer because he knew what answering them meant. Another fight with Devyn. More
yelling and shouting. More fucking emotion spent over something that was never supposed to be more than "homies" and "good sex". But it was now.
Somehow, everything between Koi and Devyn was changing, warping into exactly what Derrick told Koi weeks ago in the Plaza at King's was happening
between them. A relationship. Exactly what Koi didn't want...what he'd told Devyn he didn't do from the jump. He didn't DO relationships or
titles. And now the rules were changing? Not likely. No matter how much Devyn pushed with her questions, Koi wasn't going there. He wasn't proving
Derrick right when he told him that everything about Koi was changing. That he wasn't "The Kidd" anymore. The nigga that fucked em' and left em'. No
emotions.
Koi's eyes found hers as she stopped speaking. Her voice had pitched the way it did when she got emotional, when she was about to go from fucking five
to fifty over something that Koi had once again done...or hadn't done. And he wondered...did she even know when she'd caught emotions? Had he seen it
happening and he just refused to let himself believe that she was...shit. But here they were. Her getting passionate over something that Koi had just
squashed and refusing to leave it alone because for some reason, she believed PUSHING him would get her what she wanted. But it never would. Not now,
not ever. Especially when he'd given her the answer that he could. She was GOOD.
"Then let's not." He said quickly, his voice straining to keep himself as calm as Devyn had just forced herself to be. But even in her "calm", she
still pushed.
"What is it...that you would like for me to say then?" He was careful with his next words too, the anger that he was trying so hard to stay away from
beginning to build. Sighing, he paused and did the thing he hadn't wanted to do since she'd sat beside him. He touched her, his hand wrapping around
her wrist as he pulled her closer to him. Their bodies were so close that he hovered over her, looking in her eyes.
"Just stop." He spoke softly, forcing himself to look at her. Forcing himself to not touch her face or kiss her. Forcing himself to ignore the energy
that always built between them.
"I just needed some time. But we're good." Lie. Lies to keep her from pushing him. Lies to keep him from breaking her heart.
So she was just supposed to be cool with this? Just chill on him keeping her at arms length and speaking to her only when he was telling her to leave
him alone. Devyn was supposed to just let the shit die as if they weren’t...whatever the fuck they were? How could he even think that was possible?
No, she hadn’t forgotten. She knew Koi didn’t like titles. He didn’t do relationships. And she’d never pushed him to call her anything more
than Devyn. Up until lately, she’d stayed in her lane and kept her head down, but now? Now she wasn’t even sure they were still friends and
that’s all she was asking him. Apparently that was too much.
“I just want you to tell me how…-” her words trailed off as Koi came closer to her, his hand taking her wrist as he pulled her in. Just
stop. Okay. Devyn felt herself nod a little after his request. He was doing it again. That thing he did when he was tired of fighting with her
and out of words. He was giving her that look that somehow made everything okay when it wasn’t. I just needed some time...Needed? Like past
tense? Meaning he was over it?
Maybe it was the way he was looking at her, or maybe she just really wanted to believe that they could be on their way back to normal, but something
in her believed this ‘we’re good’. Something was making this one more genuine than the last few. Maybe it was because he was touching her for
the first time in two weeks and the shit was making her light headed.
“Okay…” she was back to whispering, her voice weak as she finally accepted his words as truth. Was she fully convinced? Of course not, but she
was letting the shit go...He wanted her to squash it then it was squashed. Dead. Over...Kind of. “Get dinner with me tonight?” Devyn’s free hand
came to cup his face, her eyes staying on his. She smiled a little, the thought of him not pulling away from her touch making her happier than he
probably knew. “I’ve got practice til 6, but after? Nothing big, just food...”
They had to eat right?
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
...needed some time. The lie burned Koi's throat as soon as he spoke, wording things the way he had. He'd said things like they were past
tense. Like everything was over and everything could go back to the way it was. He and Devyn could be "just friends" again, ignoring all the bullshit
that had hit them in the past few weeks. No pregnancy scare. No mouths running about their business, confusing him in the process. No sex. No
emotions. Just a clean slate, everything resetting itself like some massive scoreboard when the game was over. But that wasn't reality...at least it
wasn't THEIR reality. Because nothing was gone. The confusion was still there. Koi's need to be away from her and still be near her was still there.
And lying to Devyn didn't fix it. But she was smiling. And the questions stopped. And he could put off the real shit that was beating down the fucking
doors of his mind for another day. Sooner or later, the door was going to cave in and he'd have to deal with the truth. But today wasn't the damn day,
not when everything was threatening to bury him at any moment.
"Okay." He repeated after her, watching the tenseness she cared drain from her...believing his words. Trusting him. He tried to smile at her, but his
features grimaced instead. He fucking hated this. He hated not being able to talk about the shit that was plaguing the fuck out of him to the one
person he should've been able to discuss it all with. She was his best friend. In the past couple of months, she'd heard it all. His family. His numb
moments. His anger. His fear. She knew him. And now he couldn't tell her anything because lines blurred. He couldn't rant about how he felt to the
girl making him feel that way.
His thoughts made him want to turn away from her, but before he could, she cupped his face softly. The softness in her touch almost forced him to pull
away, but he held himself there, her eyes staring into his.
Get dinner with me... He wasn't ready for that. Dinner? Talking? Pretending that he was okay? Finishing dinner and letting her pull him in
again. Taking her back to his house and making lies to her...not love. Never love. He couldn't fucking do it. So why did he feel his head nodding at
her request?
"Yeah. We can do that." He said, forcing another half ass, but believable smile. "For sure. I gotta go though..." He stood up, dropping the rest of
his blunt onto the bleacher below him, putting it out with the toe of his shoe. He picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder as he bent over
Devyn, his face hovering over hers.
"...but I'll see you tonight." His words ended in their lips touching in what he meant to be a quick peck, knowing that he couldn't take anymore than
that. But the kiss lingered, his tongue slipping between their kiss. His bookbag slid from his shoulder as he kissed her, every single fucking fiber
of him falling into the kiss that he knew he didn't mean. But it pulled at him, the world that they existed in when they were together rebuilding
itself from the ruins the past weeks had made. His hand moved to the back of her head, lips twisted in each other, tapping straight into the part of
him that could've breathed her exhales forever.
No... The kiss ended as abruptly as it'd started. He had to fucking go...
"I gotta...go..." Quickly, he turned, nearly running down the damn bleachers, busting his ass on them clearly an option. He had to get out of there
before he did something else he didn't need to do.
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