Gamal Hemdan Hall houses the classes specializing in the Social Sciences. The instructors here aim to get students to understand all of the
connections people share.
The hallway was mad quiet with only three pairs of footsteps echoing off of the wooden walls of Hemdan Hall. There wasn't the usual noise that filled
the typically busy hallway that led to the administrative building where the cafeteria, the counseling office and Headmistress's office were located.
The hall would have been full of racket from one end of it to the next. Students talking on their way to lunch period or the raised voices of kids
that had been sitting quietly for far too long pouring out of the open doors of classrooms. But with everyone in class, everything was silent...and
that silence made everything that had just gone down minutes ago ten times more uncomfortable. Koi walked with his hands deep in the pockets of his
pants, his teeth clenched more from anger than from real silence. He had plenty to say. PLENTY despite the shit he'd said in the
classroom...to BOTH of the people that occupied the hall along with him. Dhonny, who Mr. Simon had sent as a "violence deterrent", would get his
earful after school let out as he needed to know that most situations that were Koi's business and Koi's concern needed to STAY that way. Koi's best
friend stayed trying to be the yin-yang fairy, balancing people's lives for them. No one asked for that. And the last time Koi remembered, he'd voiced
that very fact. Passionately. He could handle his own shit and he was doing damn well handling Devyn, who just so happened to be the other person
walking Hamden with Koi. Thankfully, she walked on Dhonny's other side...which still wasn't far the fuck away enough from Koi.
Rolling his eyes at the fact that Devyn was still in his close vicinity (which she really didn't need to be at the moment), Koi's teeth bared down,
clamping down hard at thoughts that he would've been more than happy to make into words when it came to her, but he knew better. Things were
already shit, as far as he was concerned. First day of school and they were already headed to Headmistress's office. Parents would be called,
pointless crap would be said, they would be made to apologize to each other. Neither of them would mean it. Then Koi would go home to another rant,
but this time from his Pops. About how he was an embarrassment to the name. About how he'd given Koi one task and one task only and Koi couldn't even
do that. Keep your fucking nose clean... And no thanks to fucking Devyn Devereaux, he'd failed on the first day. His dad was going to
fucking...have a...cow. And then lay an egg.
"So..." Dhonny spoke, his voice shattering the silence of the hall and breaking through Koi's thoughts of the many possibilities of "purple" his Pop's
face could turn when he heard the "good news".
"Nobody's gonna say shit right now? Seriously?" Koi's head jerked up from it's previously stance, his eyes their stare at his shoes as he was intent
on looking anywhere but in the direction that faced Devyn. At this point, he didn't give a fuck as he glared at Dhonny, stopping in his tracks.
Dhonny...needed to close his mouth because he was part of the reason Koi was in this mess right now. With his amazing idea to put he and Devyn at the
same table when the last conversation they'd had had been an argument. What the hell did Dhonny think? They'd sing "Kumbaya" and bestest friends for
the rest of eternity? Dhonny could eat a dick with that optimistic shit.
"Dhonny...seriously. Shut the fuck up." Koi grumbled before he continued his way towards the exit doors at the end of the hallway. All he wanted to do
was take his punishment and end this fucking day. But Dhonny's hand catching his shoulder had him certain that what came next would be everything BUT
what Koi wanted...
The sound of their footsteps reverberated off the walls of the hallway in perfect synchronization. One foot, then the other in a cycle of sound that
was only made louder by the deafening silence that the three of them were sharing. Koi wasn’t talking to either one of the people in his company,
Devyn wasn’t speaking to Koi, and Dhonny, she was sure, was just waiting on the right moment to say something, anything, that might spark another
conversation between the two of them. She knew he hadn’t learned his lesson from their encounter mere moments ago and she knew she hadn’t heard
the end of of his “stop being difficult” speeches. Koi thought he had it bad? Koi only had Dhonny on his case. It seemed as though he and Miyu had
united their fucking Wonder Twin powers and pledged not to rest until she and Koi were talking again. All last semester and over the summer, it had
been a constant barrage of talk about Koi and parties with him in attendance. She was sick of it. She was sick of him. The time for talk was over with
and the two of they were so far beyond repair that she wasn’t even sure she remembered them being friends in the first place. She was fucking over
it. Especially now that she had been kicked out of Chemistry, on the first day...because of his ass and his inability to hold an adult conversation.
So they walked, Devyn’s eyes scanning the wood beneath their feet, looking up only occasionally to ensure she wasn’t running into anything or
anybody. She bit her bottom lip in annoyance as she thought about all the shit she was going to get from Athena for being in trouble on the first day.
It wasn’t like this was going to happen often though, she could guarantee that. She wasn’t having any more conversations with Koi Kidd and she was
going to take Dhonny up on his offer to switch seats so she wouldn’t have to work with him either. The rest of the year would be as smooth as
possible and she would never have to hear Athena’s mouth after this. She would look forward to that. She would make it through this knowing
that--ugh.
Couldn’t he just stop? No. Neither she nor Koi were going to say anything to one another. Despite the sea of things that wanted to stream from her
mouth about just how much she thought of him. They were finished with that shit and she wasn’t doing it anymore. She was annoyed, she still had her
fucking hangover, and she didn’t want to do shit but get through the lecture with the headmistress and finish out the day. She sighed, the annoyance
clear on her face as she looked at Dhonny, but she said nothing. Koi on the other hand was vocal in his frustration, telling Dhonny to shut up, before
sulking off a little faster. He took just a couple strides before Dhonny’s hand caught his shoulder. Dude...
“Dhonny, let him go. If he want to be a little bitch about this then he can do that-,” he was making it worse. Dhonny’s incessant need to help
was only making all the things Dev wanted to say bubble to the surface and if he kept pushing her, they were going to spill over. “I’m done with
his ain’t shit ass anyway.”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
And Dhonny could get his hand off of Koi's shoulder. That much he COULD do. There was so much "fix it" in Koi's best friend. He had
to fucking repair everything, save everything...and everyone. Sometimes, Koi didn't need him in that goddamn role. He just needed his boy, plain and
simple. But Dhonny wasn't hearing that. No fucking way. Since they day they'd met four years ago, Dhonny had been "wingman". He and Koi had
just...clicked. So much so that Dhonny was the only one that KNEW Koi for who he really was. Not just the pompous, asshole jerk...but the
shit underneath that barely anyone got the chance to see...not even Devyn. But through the course of being "wingman", Dhonny'd morphed into
"watchman"...and Koi wasn't necessarily complaining. Koi's ass had been saved, many a time, by Dhonny's watchful eye. If it hadn't been for Dhonny,
Koi would've been in a box, six feet under a long time ago. There were limits, though. And Dhonny, as much as Koi hated to admit it, was knocking on
the door of one of them. Koi and Devyn. That combination of letters, those two names, were done. And trying to repair them was like beating a
dead damn horse. Nothing was coming of it. Koi was sick and tired of Devyn and her nagging ass. He was sick of the way she pushed and PUSHED when she
already knew where they stood. Koi was just...tired of her...and her "I'm right" attitude. She made a nigga weary as fuck and as far as he was
concerned, he didn't mind being done.
"And you can shut the fuck up, too." Stopping in his steps, Koi turned around and pointed at Devyn, her reckless mouth sparking his already irritated
anger because she refused to let the damn situation go. Who was TALKING to her in the first place? Koi was pretty sure that he had been speaking to
Dhonny.
"I got your 'ain't shit'..." His steps advanced on her again as he listened to the name calling start up all over again. Couldn't she just be done?!
Couldn't she just take her fucking "loss" like Koi was and keep her mouth shut? Her persistence was the killer in the situation. She just
refused to let shit GO! She had to keep goading a nigga and it was going to turn out wrong for her. But she didn't care. All she cared about
was the anger that had Koi's cheeks flushing all over again, the red, hot blood boiling to the surface of his skin as his heart thudded beneath his
chest. No, he couldn't have a damn second to calm down. Not with Devyn and her sharp, dagger tongue.
Before Koi could step closer to her, Dhonny separated them again, his hands out, palms flat against Koi's chest as he pushed against Koi's steps.
Violently, Koi swatted his hands away, his nostrils flaring as he stared down his best friend with unreasonable anger. He shook his head, a silent
warning for Dhonny to keep his hands in check.
"You don't want it with me, Kidd. Not me..." Dhonny muttered as he returned the glare, matching its intensity. After a moment, Koi's eyes fell as he
turned his back on Dhonny, his steps returning to their course down the hall.
"Koi. Stop...c'mon man. Just hear me out..." Dhonny's voice that bordered on "plea" did what it always did...stopped Koi dead in his tracks.
And you can shut the fuck up too. Pfft. Here this shit went again. She was getting tired of him coming at her like his name was Hilton or
Kareem and he had some type of power over her. When would he get that there wasn’t shit Koi Kidd could do that would have her cowering in fear. And
everytime he tried it she respected him less, if that was possible. And on top of that, the more he popped off the more she wanted to clap back. He
wasn’t shit to be trying to tell her anything, he was the main reason they were here! Fuck this nigga. “Bitch, I could shut the fuck up
but, who the fuck is gonna stop me?!” As he stepped closer so did she, ready to bury her fist in his fucking throat even if she did catch one to the
face on the way in. She didn’t give a fuck anymore. Fighting this asshole would make her feel so much better about the shitty situation she was
fucking stuck in with him. Nobody had been talking to his evil ass anyway! She was speaking to Dhruv Ross, not fucking Koi. Never fucking Koi, EVER
again.
Dhonny stepped between them before they could meet, his back to Devyn as he pushed Koi back, his body tensing for what might happen. This wasn’t
right either. She could see why Dhonny’s meddling might have been an annoyance, but Koi was blowing shit way out of proportion. Here he was ready to
fight someone who was supposed to be his best friend, over a little hopeless matchmaking? This was why he couldn’t have nice things. He didn’t
know what the fuck a healthy relationship looked like and this wasn’t fucking it at all.
But Dhonny stood his ground like it was par for the course with Koi. He warned him, waiting for Koi to back down in a short moment of intensity, and
he did. Only to have Dhonny call him back. Fuckkkkkkkk. “Dhonny, please let this shit drop. Can we please just get this trip to the headmistress
over with?”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
Just hear me out... That was exactly the thing Koi didn't want to do. Was it crazy that he wasn't above just making the trip to the
Headmistress and playing all this "let's make amends" shit to the left? Was he fucking insane? Not really. A fuss out from his Pops had to be ten
times less painful than having to deal with Devyn's stubborn, trifling ass. There was nothing for Dhonny to say now as everything had been said. Koi
was tired, Devyn was a fucking bitch...period. The end of the saga. The credits were rolling and people were going the fuck home. There was nothing
too fix, so why was Dhonny still talking? Oh, because he still thought that he could fix what was already broken beyond repair. He could talk
all he wanted, but that fact was truth. It was stone truth.
Ignoring the dumb shit that still continued to come out of Devyn's mouth, Koi stayed in the spot where he'd stopped, silently refusing to turn around
and walk back to where Dhonny and Devyn stood. Why? What was the point of turning around and looking at the same annoyance and anger on Devyn's face
while Dhonny tried to be motherfucking Bob the Builder and fix shit that wasn't his to fix? And he was only going to say the same thing to Koi in the
first place. The same thing he'd been saying since Devyn and Koi's friendship had ended: Forgive, forget and let that shit go... And time and
time again, Koi would just stare, shake his head and ignore his words because it wasn't that easy. It wasn't going to be as easy as "hugging it out"
and apologizing. There'd been too much hurt, too much damn time and too much damn drama between them for this to be "easy" for Koi and Devyn to fix.
"This situation could fix itself if you and Dev could just ta-" Dhonny's words were interupted by Devyn's request to just stop all of this and keep it
moving to the headmistress's office. Well shit. If there was one thing that Koi could've agreed with Devyn on, it would've been that. But Dhonny's
head was already shaking in refusal.
"Look, if the both of you want to spend the rest of the day, in that office...listening to bullshit and then go HOME to the same thing...be my guest."
And that was it. Dhonny was calling Koi and Devyn's bluff. He was challenging them to just go ahead and act on their words. Act on the fact that
anything was better than having to talk to each other and work the disagreement between them out. He stood still, looking from one friend to the
other, just waiting for one of them to keep moving down the hall and out the door to their impending torture and doom. But...neither Koi, nor Devyn
took one step. Whether it was because it was a lose/lose situation or one of them actually wanted to fix what was broken between them
(doubtful), the stayed. Eyes rolled and jaws clenched, but they stayed.
"Right." Dhonny muttered, his face wearing the smirk he donned when he KNEW he'd chumped you.
"At the very least, the two of you should hash it out. Keep your hands off of each other...but yeah, hash it out. Even if nothing is resolved and you
still don't want anything to do with each other, at least there won't be any water under the bridge. Come on..." He had a point. Dhonny had a damn
point. The one thing that was persistent with Devyn and Koi's anger was the fact that the both of them still had something to be angry about. There
was still stuff that remained unsaid. And as long as that shit sat on their chests, they'd always clash. At the very least, Koi knew that without all
that "shit", they'd be able to just... move the fuck on. Ignoring it wasn't helping...so maybe getting rid of the mess would.
Hear him out? What else was there? Dhonny had been pressed to get she and Koi talking again since the fallout and it seemed like if it wasn’t one
way, it was another. Meet us at a party. Just give him a call. Come on, go over there and say something, Dev. No, no, no. She didn’t want
to talk to him, she didn’t want to see him, she didn’t want to be around Koi at all. Not after Christmas...She couldn’t...She hated this. This
front that she had to play because she would not let Koi know that she still had feelings for him. She didn’t want to care and she
certainly couldn’t have him thinking that she did. It would have meant too much and if she had to be completely honest...giving him the
satisfaction, someone who’d hurt her the way he had? She couldn’t. Damn...and there it was. Reason number one that she’d taken to avoiding and
hating him rather than...well, not. She was still hurt. That fact remained from the night that things had gone down between them. She was hurt and
confused and...she still hadn’t had the chance to react.
After Eri broke up what she and Koi had been doing, she never got the chance to address what had happened and before she’d talked to him again,
she’d had entirely too much time to think about it and it...it scared her. It scared her because she knew she was falling for a guy that would never
take anything, let alone a relationship between the two of them, seriously enough for anything but pain to come of it. And she wanted it. Devyn wanted
them so badly that she’d let herself think, just for a second, that none of that was true and even if it was true, none of it mattered.
That was before he smacked her with the reality of what she had been. Homie. Friend. Formerly.
Not that Koi would ever hear any of this. Like he said himself, he didn’t do feelings. Who’s to say he would even care? Apparently Dhonny as he
was not letting this shit go. Either his mission in life was to torture her with a future she knew she couldn’t have or he knew something she
didn’t. Who knew? He and Koi talked constantly. Maybe Koi had been just as...fucked up as she had with this whole thing. She didn’t know and she
wouldn’t if they never talked. And not talked like they had in the classroom they’d been kicked out of, but really talked. Listened...But now?
Here?
“Dhonny, this isn’t really the place for all that...”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
This isn't really the place for all that... Again. Something Devyn said that Koi agreed with. Damn. She was on a roll, wasn't she? The middle
of Hamden Hall after getting kicked out of chemistry for unruly behavior was neither the place, nor the place for a therapy session, orchestrated and
led by Dr. Ross. Come to think of it, was there any appropriate time and place...excluding the obvious "death pit" for a throw down, fight to the
death? Koi would say "no". Especially since the time to talk about all the feels had come and fucking GONE. There was just anger now. Anger and a
shitload of pent up aggression that they were both bursting at the seams to let go of. If "clearing the air" was going to be something that happened
for Koi and Devyn, there wouldn't be a whole lot of niceties floating through the air in the process. But again, Dhonny was more than right about the
need to get rid of the "water under the bridge" because Koi's bridge was just about flooded.
"Really. We all know Headmistress isn't even expecting you. She's got enough 'first day of school' foolery to deal with than to handle another
'Devereaux/Kidd issue'." Dhonny's rebuttal to Devyn's words came quicker than she could really argue against she and Koi's impending "sit down". And
again, he was right. Koi was getting just a little tired of his best friend being right. Headmistress had her hands full with enough first day pranks,
lost, new students and freshman hazings. Koi knew, first hand, that she probably wasn't looking forward to yet another problem that had his name
attached to it. And to be honest, Mr. Simon knew that, too, probably only sending them out of the class because they were stealing the imaginary
spotlight from his attention whore ass.
"He's right." Koi's muttered comment broke through what was beginning to be a back and forth. He looked over his shoulder, running his hand over his
short curls. A heavy sigh followed the statement, almost like a white flag of defeat, as he turned from the direction of the doors that had been the
only option just seconds before.
"Let's just get it over with..." His words ran together, almost as if rushing them out would put the uncomfortable situation that was just about to
play out happen faster. But it didn't, it felt like time was about to slow down and they'd be stuck in this moment forever, hating each other...and
seconds away from facing their hate, head on.
Something about this whole thing seemed really familiar. Trapped in a room with Koi, hating his guts, dreading the sound of his voice. They had both
been here before and even though the room might have been different the premise was the same. A fresh start. The last time they’d met like this
things had worked out...for a while anyway. For a time they’d been tight. Thicker than thieves. Funny how them getting closer than they had ever
been had been the thing to pry them apart. And as much as Devyn wanted to pretend this wasn’t the time to think about that, this was the exact
time to do just that. Dhonny had shoved them into this empty classroom to get the weight off of their chest and that was where their issues
started. Christmas night. What both of them let happen and what would have happened if Eri hadn’t stopped them...After, literally, months of
avoiding it she would have to face her issue with Koi head on. She would have to admit to things that she had yet to even admit to herself. If this
was going to work, she was going to have to let her walls down and raise a white flag...But he would too and she wasn’t even going to start until
she knew he was willing to try.
So she waited, having perched herself atop the small side table near the door of the room. Her eyes looked in almost every direction except at him.
Breathing was becoming harder and harder the longer they sat in silence and her stomach was turning somersaults like an overactive cheerleader. She
wanted to get this over with. She wanted to be done with this and hopefully done with Koi and the bullshit. She was tired of feeling like this and
Dhonny was right, the sooner they both got things off their chest, the better.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
While Devyn’s eyes looked everywhere BUT him, Koi’s eyes couldn’t help but do the opposite. Even when he tried to scan the room and pick up any
pointless thing about the classroom that would keep his focus elsewhere, his gaze kept falling back to her. Watching her nervously tap her foot
against the leg of the side table she’d sat on that stood by the door. Watching her nibble on her full, glossed bottom lip the way she did when
situations got a little too awkward for her liking. And then, Koi wondered…just how long they would both sit there without a thing to say to each
other, knowing that Dhonny was posted outside the door and without actually saying it, refused to let them go until they figured this shit out.
Without looking away from her, Koi sighed heavily, thumbing his nose before he stuffed his hands into his pockets and the same thought kept repeating
in his head like a song stuck on repeat. Here we are again…
If déjà vu wasn’t screaming out at her the way it was with Koi, he didn’t know how she was avoiding it. Empty classroom. Post fight. Hating each
other’s fucking guts. Check, check and check. Was this their existence? Make up, only to fight again, only to make up again? It was a cycle and the
more he and Devyn made their laps, the more it ate away at him. He was tired of it. Tired of all of the damn drama from shit that they’d
discussed…and then discussed again! To be fair, Koi knew it wasn’t only her fault. He wasn’t that much of an asshole that he couldn’t admit
that fact. The time they spent together, the flirting when they were clearly supposed to be “homie” status, and…Christmas. Christmas
had its own column in the “twisted shit” category. But the point was the blame was both of theirs and now, they’d be figuring it out…hopefully
for the last, damn time.
“When you’re ready…” Koi muttered, shifting on the top of the desk where he sat. He wasn’t about that “avoidance” game. Not today. The
urgency in his voice wasn’t as noticeable as the “bite”, but the fact remained. He was ready to get this over with and get the drama out of his
fucking life.
When you’re ready... Nope. Nope it wasn’t going down like that. Devyn had already decided Koi would have the first word and that wasn’t
negotiable. She didn’t give a shit about his impatience with this awkward silence and she gave no fuck about how annoyed he would be to start. And
since when did Koi not want the first and last word on anything? According to him, Devyn didn’t know when to shut the fuck up, now he
wanted her to talk? Now? Nah. This one was on him to kick off. She wasn’t about to put herself out there to look like an ass if he wasn’t really
open to what she was trying to say. She had tried that feeling without thinking shit with him before and they ended up here.
Her eyes found his slowly, connecting for the first time since they’d been in this room only to quickly fall away again before she spoke, “It’s
whatever, kid, go ahead...-,” Devyn spoke more to the floor than to Koi, but he heard her. She knew he did...If she was being honest with herself,
she was kind of...ready for this. She was ready for answers and...to end the bullshit. She was tired of Dhonny and Miyu trying to get them to make
nice. She was tired of seeing him at whoever’s party and that blowing her high. She didn’t want to care about this shit anymore and this...If
Dhonny thought this would help, it probably would...right?
Only if Koi stopped stalling...and okay, maybe she needed to put a little more effort in too...They couldn’t stay in here forever now could they?
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
What was this shit? Devyn was...stalling? Ms. "I Run My Mouth" didn't have anything to say? Right. In the perfect world, maybe that would've
been true. But as Koi'd said before, she didn't know when to shut the fuck up. Now was no different and it was clear to Koi that she was, indeed,
stalling her ass off. For what reason, Koi didn't know...or care. He wanted this over. He wanted the arguments to stop. He wanted to be over and done
with the uncomfortable looks and then the purposeful avoidance when he walked into a kickback that she "just so happened" to be at. He wanted it all
over with. Mostly because HE was over it. He was over Devyn. And if it meant talking something over for the goddamned umpteenth time, he'd do it. If
it meant that all the fucking feelings would just cut out and go numb...then he'd do it.
"Fine..." He wasn't about to argue her down over the argument that they hadn't even had yet. She wanted him to go first? Fine, he'd go first. Since
she, for the first time in her life, didn't want to talk...he'd do the talking. And she'd listen. For once, instead of writing off what he had to say,
she'd listen and they'd...just...be...done.
But if he was so ready to be done, why weren't the words coming? Why was he lost? Where to start was evading him as much as the words that he
should've started with and the more he wanted to start, the worse the freeze on his tongue got. His numbed out tongue couldn't work the words that his
brain obviously hadn't even though to say yet...so he was stuck. Staring. Annoyed. Definitely hating....everything, especially her. Without words.
"Just so you know. This shit here? Your fault." Okay...those words weren't what he was hoping to start with, but shit, he was going to pretend that
those words were exactly what he wanted to say. That they hadn't just bubbled over and spilled out.
"We were homies. We were good. Everything was good and then your ass had to start trippin' for NO damn apparent reason and..." Without finishing, Koi
scoffed and rubbed his goatee, his lips curling into smirk. He couldn't finish. Not because he was wrong. No, because he was fucking right. If she
hadn't avoided him and then bailed on his birthday, they would've still been cool. Yeah, there were things that were uncertain between them, Koi could
admit that. But none of that had been more important than their friendship. Not a kiss, not an unplanned moment between them by his pool and
definitely not feelings. Because that shit didn't matter in the long run. What mattered was the ability to sweep it under the rug and keep the
friendship alive...everything she didn't do. Because what SHE wanted mattered more than friendship...
Just so you know... God. And it began. The blame game. Couldn’t he be an adult for just one second and take some responsibility for what
had happened between them? This was not all her fault. In fact, it wasn’t even mostly her fault. She and Koi were no longer on speaking terms
because the last time they were and they were in the same place, they weren't doing enough speaking. Koi was too busy with his face buried
between her thighs and...it was her fault for letting it happen...She knew what it meant. AS many times as she’d thought about it since Christmas,
she knew that the reason she hadn’t thought about what they were doing, when they were doing it, was because she already knew what it meant to
him...What she meant to him. Nothing. That was what had stopped them from talking. That was what had killed their friendship. When he told her, in one
stupid word, exactly what she’d never mean to him. But this was her fault?
“Oh really,” she smiled, a short scoff leaving her as she looked at him, her head tilted in mock confusion, “please. Elaborate.” Could he?
What the fuck could he even say abo-...no. She wouldn’t do that. She would give him a chance. Maybe this would be good. She’d know what he was
thinking and it could...explain some things...or she’d know what he was thinking and she could tell him exactly how wrong he was. No apparent
reason? NO. APPARENT. REASON?! He had to be fucking with her! He couldn’t even finish that shit because he knew how much bullshit it was.
Christmas was...more than “homies”. It was more than “good”. She couldn’t even with this boy and his denial.
“Koi stop. Stop pretending what happened between us didn’t happen, kid. It did. Just because you’re afraid of what it meant does not mean I was
‘trippin’’-,” she made air quotes with her fingers around his words, before pausing, a sigh on her lips. This blame shit was going to get them
nowhere...He wanted homie? He wanted real? He wanted to hash this shit out and never speak of it again? She could do that. She could end it all.
“Why don’t we start being honest with one another...You hurt me.”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
"You" is an accusatory term... Or at least that's what one of Koi's old therapists told him during the "anger management" sessions he was
required by the state to take. Sessions that would have been better known as "time in juvie" if it hadn't been for his Pops' right on time
intervention. Supposedly, "you" was some kind of...method of deflection. The proverbial "finger point", which turned out to be something that the doc
was pretty sure Koi was a pro at doing because she deduced, with her overpriced degree and her big ass, know-it-all brain, that Koi was incapable of
taking ownership for his actions. Fuck that. Koi didn't "deflect" because he wanted to place the blame on someone other than himself. He
wasn't ignorant...not when it came to the shit he did. No, Koi knew exactly what he was doing when he made moves. The problem was what the problem had
always been. Whether that stupid fuck of a doctor wanted to accept it or not, the problem was that people couldn't handle the truth
and often ignored it and that made the blame theirs and theirs alone. Deflection takes avoidance. Just enough avoidance of who you are and what you
are to find fault in everyone else. And that was something Koi just couldn't do. Not about himself. Not about who he was...and not about who he saw
himself becoming. He wore the truth on his skin, in his face, in his words...his actions. He screamed it out loud without having to say anything at
all. But no one listened. No one ever listened and that was why he threw the blame so easily. Devyn was just like the rest. She didn't listen
either...and that was why they were where they were right now. In a classroom, staring holes...cleaning up messes that they couldn't stop leaving in
each other's lives.
What didn't happen? When the hell had Koi pretended that Christmas night hadn't happened? And there it was...another mess. A beautiful disaster of a
mess. With the cacophony of her moans and his tasting her skin and... There was beauty in it, but fuck it. The truth was the truth. It was a mess. And
Koi made it. And if she'd let him, he would've cleaned it up...but she didn't. She avoided HIM. She backed out of HIS birthday and out of HIS life.
SHE did that, not him.
"Who's pretending? Who's pretending Devyn?" Koi spoke in the middle of her long, exasperated sigh, hearing the same tired in her release of tired air
that he heard in his defensive, misunderstood voice. And he was tired of being misunderstood...tired as FUCK of that. "I know it happened. I remember
that it happened. I fucking live what "happened" every time I look at you. Don't tell me that I'm erasing something that's fucking burnt on my gray
matter and...don't lie on me like that..."
Devyn's words cut through his, interrupting him so they could move on to...honesty? Honesty. The hell was he doing? The hell had he been trying to do
when he called her for a week straight and only heard her voice through her fucking voicemail because she was too busy avoiding him? He'd been TRYING
to be honest, but all he'd gotten was...
"You hurt me." Now it was Koi's turn to sigh, his eyes averting their gaze as she finally met his stare. He hurt her. And just like that, the
conversation took a turn. A turn onto the pathway of uncomfortable honesty...and if this was the way she wanted to journey, Koi would do nothing but
oblige her ass.
"How did I hurt you, Devyn?" Looking at her again, he shook his head, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
Who’s pretending? He was. Everytime Koi spoke to her, he pretended they hadn’t had what they did. He wasn’t getting it. When she said that she
wasn’t talking about just the sex...or the almost sex. Whatever. She meant what they had. She and Koi had a few feelings other than lust
fueling that fire Christmas night and she was willing to admit that. Him? Not so much. So yes. He pretended. He pretended it hadn’t meant anything
then, he pretended it didn’t mean anything now, and until he finally came to terms with something he didn’t think he had, he would keep pretending
there was nothing between them. Well, nothing but this game of back and forth they were playing now. This game of ‘No you didn’t; yes I did’,
this ridiculous argument that he couldn’t see the other side of. Devyn wanted to make him understand, she did, but Koi was so into defending himself
that he wasn’t listening for anything more than blame. Devyn on the other hand could hear him, his words, however harsh causing her lips to twitch a
bit, fighting a small smile. So she wasn’t the only one that thought about it. It was nice to know that she wasn’t alone in looking at him and
remembering the way he smelled with his body so close to hers, or how he groaned as her lips taste his. She had flashback like a vet, only the war was
still going between the two of them.
She wasn’t lying on him! She was telling his ass the truth. Sure he knew what happened, but he wouldn’t acknowledge why and for the first time
between them, Devyn got real and told him exactly the way she felt about that. He hurt her. She said it with her eyes on his, but when he looked away
she did as well, unable to hold her gaze as she let one of her walls down. It hurt. When she kissed him that night she knew it was wrong. She’d
tried to leave to avoid it but he practically begged her to stay and...all he had to do was ask. All Koi had ever really had to do was ask and she had
given him his way. Of course he’d never asked for much, but she cared about him. All he ever had to do was ask...that night he’d begged and things
got..so out of hand...so fast, and she hadn’t known how to pull it back...He knew it was wrong too though, but he let it happen. He wanted it just
like she did, for the same reasons she did. She knew it. She knew him.
“What do you mean how, kid? Homie? Really?” She stood up then, Her feet taking a step closer to him as she finally got the shit off her
chest that had been weighing her down for so long. “After everything that had gone down that day? Koi, we played house from the time your father
left and then-,” Her eyes fell, a short pause on her lips at what she had to say, “...after. I know you didn’t feel like a homie after
that shit Koi.” He couldn’t have. She just wished he’d say it. She just wanted to hear him say that she wasn’t a fucking lunatic and she
wasn’t the only one feeling shit here. She heaved an aggravated sigh, her hand pulling through her hair as she tried to sound a little more calm
than she had been.
“Just...explain it to me, Koi. Tell me what happened...”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
What the FUCK was she talking about? Homie? What did that word have to do with anything that was happening at the present moment? Their
fight? Her avoiding his birthday? All over THAT WORD? Right. Koi had always, always called her that. From the moment they'd started
kickin' it, that was her name. Devyn was the "chick homie". The girl who was so damn cool and laid back that he couldn't help but add her to the fold.
She smoked with him, talked rap with a nigga, bullshitted the nights away...and had kept it real with him. That was, until after Christmas night.
After the mistake that he knew he was bound to make that night, nothing was the same. And the truth was, he didn't believe that where they'd gone that
night, what happened between the two of them, would've ended them for good. Yeah, he expected shit to be weird, he wasn't avoiding that. But not
this...not another argument, not another stint of time where they didn't talk, much less look at each other. And it all, somehow, came full circle,
right back around to that word...
Homie. Wait. Homie. Oh shit. And then it all made sense. Homie... the one word that a girl wouldn't want to hear from a guy
when her legs were wide opened for him. And she definitely wouldn't want to hear it from a guy she was diggin'...like Devyn was diggin' him.
Shit. It all boiled down to that word and what it'd meant in the middle of something that was anything but platonic. So... That's
what had Devyn pissed off. That's what had her ignoring his calls. Nothing had made much sense in the entire situation. Not for Koi. He couldn't
understand how a friendship that started with them nearly killing each other over a fucking lunchroom chair could end over something that neither of
them had taken too seriously. But that was the kicker...Devyn had. She'd taken something that Koi barely remembered saying into her and buried it so
deep inside of herself that all she could do was sprout anger. And he'd had no idea. No idea. But now he had and now, as she stared at him, less that
a foot away from him, standing in front of him...waiting. Waiting for an answer that would explain what the hell was going on in his head. What the
mixed signals meant. Why they'd gotten as far as they had and yet, Devyn was still...the homie.
"I-..." He couldn't even look at her as she stood in front of him, balanced on the top of a desk, her eyes looking for any answer he could give. Any
answer that could've cleared up the confusion. "I don't know what to say Devyn." NOT a good start.
"I didn't...mean to hurt you. I thought everything was cool. I guess I was catching the wrong "DTF". I was down to fuck, you wanted to define the
relationship and...for me, there wasn't anything to define." What he was saying definitely wasn't what she waned to hear, but it was the truth. Koi
was being who he was, who he told her he was the last time they were in a empty classroom. A no good-ass nigga. He didn't even TRY to pretend like
some of the grimy asses he hung around with. The "fake out" wasn't his style. From the jump, he let girls know who he was and he never apologized for
it. He didn't do emotions, he didn't do relationships and he didn't do titles...because he knew he'd fail at every single attempt. And then he
thought, stupidly, that maybe he could've been a good friend, especially when he'd met Devyn. He hoped that he could keep her away from all of his
bullshit, but he couldn't even do that right! The asshole that buried itself deep in his DNA kept making its appearance and the truth was just the
truth, he was a fuck up and when it came to women, he needed to stay the fuck away.
"I told you Dev, I'm THAT nigga. 'Charming' isn't in my name. Never will be."
She just needed to know what the fuck happened. In between playing his dad to the left and losing her panties in the back yard, what had Koi been
thinking. She needed to know. It was the missing piece that could explain absolutely everything to her. It was the one thing that could tell her she
had been more than just his next lay...but what if she had been? What if she was wrong and had been exactly that; Koi’s next on a long list of girls
that had gotten his dick wet and been tossed aside for the next one. Shit. She hated this. She hated him. She hated him for making her care.
She hated him for being sweet to her and good with his baby sister and so fucking attractive. She hated that he was a good guy, for the most
part, and that he made her laugh, and the flutter he put in her stomach every time he called her ‘hips’ or ‘babe’...She hated that she liked
him and she would give anything to just...not.
But she did. And now they were looking at one another waiting for an answer to a question about whether or not he felt the same way. He uttered a
short syllable, obviously not sure of what to say, confirming that fact with words before saying that he hadn’t meant to hurt her and then somehow
finding just the right words to put a lump the size of a football in her throat. Fuck. Devyn’s eyes found the floor as he just kept fucking
talking, finally getting to the point that he’d already told her he wasn’t that guy. That he wasn’t and he never would be. The good old
‘it’s not you it’s me’ spiel updated to fit their particular situation...But it was good wasn’t it. She knew how he really felt about her
and...everything.
“I um-...” What? She what? What the fuck else was there? And how much longer could she talk and keep pretending it wasn’t hitting her like it
was. “Glad we got it out, then-,” she turned, grabbing her backpack as she made to leave, “If you’re good, I am.” Her words came quickly,
spilling over into her urgency to be anywhere but trapped in that room with Koi.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
And just like that, Koi knew it. He'd hurt her. Bad. As hard as Devyn tried to keep a straight face and pretend to hold it together, Koi knew
she was falling apart inside. How'd he know? He'd seen that face before. Her eyes, downcast. Her jaw clenched and that hard swallow...choking back the
reality of everything he'd just said to her. In less than thirty words, he'd told her that on Christmas night, the only think that had driven him was
the sex and that there was no way he'd ever commit to her. Because just as he'd said in the first place and he was now demonstrating, he...was an
asshole. Looking at Devyn's barely hidden disappointment, he figured that he was one of the best. Maybe even better than his selfish fuck of a father,
who on the fucking regular, left his mother looking as sad and disgusted as Devyn looked at that moment. That was why the face was way too familiar.
It was too similar to the disappointment his mother felt every time she looked at his Pops and took the bullshit lies he fed her. He and his father.
Heartless twins. But that was just who they were...who Koi was...
Right. If that was the truth, then why did he feel fucking terrible? In the quiet that settled around them after he'd said his peace, Koi waited. He
waited for what he was sure would come. The tears, the screaming...the yelling. Maybe even the violence. He waited for Devyn to lash out, angry at him
for making him what he'd made the other girls he'd run through like she wasn't any more important to him than they were. But...there was nothing.
Instead, she blinked and began talking, only to stop talking all over again.
Glad we got it out, then. And that was it. Koi's eyebrows furrowed as he watched her turn around and grab her backpack, making her way to the
door of the classroom faster than he'd registered her moving.
"Hey..." He said, leaving the desktop and walking towards her. "Hold up, Dev." As fast as she was moving, he had to nearly slow jog to the door just
to catch up with her, her hand already on the doorknob. Before Koi could catch himself or think it through, his palm pressed against the door, his
weight causing it to stay closed.
"No, I'm not good." He looked at her, trying to catch her eye, but she refused to look at him. "We're...not good. I can tell by the look on your face
we aren't...come on. Look at me."
"Look at me..." Koi stared down at her, hoping that she'd at least give him the eye contact he wanted...and not another knee to his dick.
"I'm sorry, Dev. I'm sorry. I can't let you leave still pissed off at me." He kept talking before she could interrupt him. "I care about you way too
much...to just let this be it. I can't let it end like this..."
No. This was fine. This was good. She knew where they stood and she didn’t have to spend her time wondering anymore. Even if it wasn’t exactly
what she wanted to hear, it was...true. He had been honest and she could respect that. She would respect that and this was the end of it. They had
talked it out and it was done. She wasn’t mad and she wasn’t going stay as upset as she was now. She would go home, get herself together and come
back like none of this had ever happened. Like she and Koi had never moved past making up after his party and that would be...it. Devyn knew she
couldn’t have him and, as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t go back to being his friend either, but she could make it through a year of being
cordial. Nice. She could do parties where he was there and still have a good time. With all this shit out she could go back to normal. Find one of
these cute prep school boys that would occupy the time he used to and eventually Koi would fade. It was how things went with her and relationships.
He called out to her, a short hey on his lips to sstop her movement, but she wasn’t stopping. She would be okay eventually, but for now, she
wasn’t. She couldn’t stay in that room with him and there was nothing left to be said. She twisted the knob of the door, only to have his hand
press against it, keeping closed her route to freedom. Fuck. What? Why was he making this more than it had to be. He didn’t want her. Fine.
Okay. The longer she stood here with him, the worse knowing that fact felt. Couldn’t he just...not?
He spoke but she refused to look at anything but the door, her eyes focused straight ahead just waiting for the fucking dismissal that seemed to never
come. Instead he wanted her to know he wasn’t good, wasn’t finished...or...she wasn’t good. She wasn’t. That was true, but she should
have been doing a much better job of hiding it. Like now. There should have been no issue with her looking at him. They were good. So why couldn’t
she do it? Why couldn’t she just turn her head a few inches and look him in the eye for whatever else he had to say? She could feel his eyes burning
into the top of her head, his tall frame seeming to tower over hers with him so close to her. Why was he so close to her? What was he saying?
He was apologizing. No. No, there was nothing to apologize for. “Koi, don’t-,” but he didn’t stop. He wouldn’t stop talking because...he
cared. She sighed then, blinking back the tears as she let the doorknob go, finally turning to face him but still unable to look at him, her back
leaning against the door while she tried to form a response. “Koi you don’t have to do this...I’m not mad, I just-” she paused, her bottom lip
catching between her teeth as she tried to pull together what she needed to pass this. She looked up finally, a soft smirk falling to her lips,
“It’ll pass sugar-,” her hand reached for his face, cupping it before she finished. “We’re fine.”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
"We're fine." was what Koi heard Devyn's lips say, her hand cupping his face, her voice light as she spoke to him. She wasn't fine. She was
trying her hardest to fake it, but her "fake" was never fake enough. Koi could see through it, he could see the feelings behind the front she tried to
put up. As transparent as he was to her, as easy as it was to read him, it was the same for him when it came to her. So Koi knew. He knew how hard it
was for her to still be in the room with him. He knew how difficult it was to look at someone who was so fucking cold that they'd say what he'd just
said to here...and without flinching. He knew the sacrifice it had taken for her to put herself out like that. He knew what it meant for her to tell
him how much he'd hurt her...and then, just like that, he'd hurt her again. She wasn't "fine". And no matter how many times she said it, he wouldn't
believe her. They weren't fine. Not when the thought of her leaving the empty classroom had sent a unfamiliar panic through Koi that he didn't truly
understand. A panic that was real enough that he was...scared to see her leave. Mostly because he knew. The second she left, things weren't
going back to the way they were before Christmas night. They weren't just going to erase themselves and reset like they had the night of his house
party. This time, the course was set for them. His words, her feelings, everything would play a part in what would happen when they left the
room...and that was why, regardless what he wanted...Koi had to let her go.
"Okay..." He nodded slowly, his eyes still staring into hers, waiting for her to drop the act and...and do anything. Scream at him, hit him, slap him,
curse him out...something, anything. Anything that said that they were cyclical, that the cycle they were in would continue. That this
wouldn't be the last time they would be alone together. But there was no change in her face. The only thing that he could see was the start of the
crumble. The start of the crumbling facade. It was dropping and he could tell that she wanted to leave before it completely fell away. And for someone
that couldn't help be take, take and fucking take...it was time for him to give. THIS was what he was trying to shield her from. This bullshit. His
innate ability to destroy everything he fucking put his hands on because of his selfishness. He couldn't even handle a friendship. He couldn't even do
that. All because of who he was, who he was fated to be. The son of Shemar Kidd. A self-absorbed son of a bitch that was out for himself and
himself only. He didn't love. He just used women up until there was nothing left but the emptiness. The kind you could see all the way in their eyes.
And there was no way Devyn would be that...because of him.
"I'm glad we're good..." Did he believe what he'd just said? Fuck no. But Devyn deserved this. She deserved to be...free of him and his bullshit. And
if that meant letting her run away from him and never look back, he'd let her do it. If it meant giving her the "go ahead" to get rid of him and blot
him out of her life, he would do it. Because without him, at least her life wouldn't turn to shit. She wouldn't have to be in a relationship with a
cheater and a liar. She wouldn't have to think about what her life would've been like without him. She was the lucky one...
Taking his hand off the door, Koi gave a smirk that was more of a tight-lipped grimace, his eyes still on Devyn. Playing the part that he knew was his
to play and trying to remember what it felt like to still have her in his life, especially when that didn't exist anymore. The fuck was he going to do
without his homie? How was he going to see her in the halls and give her a "what's up" and keep it moving like they'd never even...been friends? It
didn't matter. What mattered is that Devyn would be fine. She'd be cool and she'd fucking live. It would get better...because Koi Kidd wasn't dragging
her down anymore.
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