Devyn sighed, tilting her head back as she expelled the smoke from her lungs. The high couldn’t come quick enough. She fucking hated being hung
over. Her head was pounding and if it hadn’t been for Athena and her fucking fussing this morning, she wouldn’t even be here. Okay. Yes,
this was the second time since Koi that she’d found out about Devyn’s “excessive” drinking. Miyu dragging her home after that Que party and
last night...ugh. Last night. Devyn brought the blunt between her fingers back to her lips and took a long pull. She knew no amount of smoke would
make her forget what she’d done last night; hell, drinking sure as hell hadn’t done anything for her. In fact, all it was doing for her right now
was making her head throb worse, memories of last night still causing her to cringe in embarrassment. She had been so stupid! Starting what she had
with Derrick and telling him more than she should have about why she was there in the first place. Don’t tell me you’re not staying because of
some addict and the broke bitch he was using to fuck you over. It was. The was the exact reason she’d stopped him from doing what he wanted to
do to her. Devyn had gone over there fully intending to sleep with Derrick Davidson to get back at Koi, but she couldn’t.
She let the smoke escape her slowly, the question she’d been asking herself since being thrown away by Koi surfacing again. What the fuck was wrong
with her? She couldn’t figure it out. She tried to do all the shit she was supposed to and for the most part she did. She worked her ass off for her
grades, she wasn’t into hard drugs, she was a decent person. Sure, that wasn’t true for last night, but people were allowed mistakes right? That
didn’t mean she deserved…this. Devyn felt her emotion begin to build in her throat. She was going to cry and she hated herself for it.
She hated herself in general. She wasn’t this person! She wasn’t this girl who questioned herself and did things to get back at people. She had
been confident and driven and so...sure. Sure she was being who she wanted to be to be happy and fuck what anyone else thought. But maybe that was
wrong, too. Maybe that was why everyone left. First Kareem, and then her mom and now…him. Everybody left.
Devyn allowed her tears, dropping the J to the floor and putting it out with the toe of her flat. The shit wasn’t helping. It was only opening her up to think about more shit she’d fucked up. Her family, her fucking life if her
father ever found her...maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing. She was Hilton’s daughter. Surely he’d do her the kindness of a quick
death...Anything was better than the slow and painful one she was dying now. She would’ve called him last night while she was drinking herself
stupid in her room...if she’d had her phone. Another thing she’d fucked up. Derrick had it, she was sure of it, but she couldn’t go back there
for it last night. Not after the things she’d done with him. The way he’d touched her. How she’d stopped him. The things he said after…
Shit.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
If there was a word worse than "exhaustion", Dhonny was feeling it. Everything ached...his head, most of all. Sleeping on the floor wasn't what he'd
planned on doing when he'd crashed Koi's "pity party" earlier that day. He'd just been there to make sure the Kidd took it easy on the Vicodin and
stayed away from the constant need to do something stupid when thoughts of Devyn hit his mind. But the night had ended on a bad note, the "mistaken"
call from Devyn's phone. Hearing she and Derrick...together. Seeing his boy break down from it all...that'd been the worse part. Koi didn't admit the
hurt, but Dhonny knew it was there...especially after the "tough love" that he'd delivered to his boy that night. He'd only done it because he thought
it would've made a difference...and he thought it'd actually had. But it'd only made things worse, which was kind of proven when Dhonny woke up the
next morning on the Kidd's floor and Koi's bed was empty.
He'd been all over the school looking for him, knowing he was there because he'd spotted his Impala in the parking lot. He'd asked person after person
and no one had seen Koi kidd, which was fucking dangerous because Dhonny knew his best friend. He knew that when his brain was irrational and his
temper was flared, nothing good came of it. And, as usual, he'd have the be the one to stop Koi from going through with whatever dumb ass solution to
his problems he'd come to. Which wouldn't be easy...but that didn't mean he was giving up on his boy. Which was why he found himself in the empty
auditorium...well the supposedly empty auditorium. The distinct smell of the grade-A that Koi usual smoked told him that he was wrong. Someone was
there...and they were lighting it up without a care as to who could walk in and catch them doing it. Smoking on premises was grounds for expulsion,
but whoever had found themselves in the auditorium was apparently on the brink of giving no fucks...which sounded too much like the Kidd to not be
him.
"Koi?" Dhonny called as quietly as he could into the dimmed auditorium, only the batten lights and a couple of other house lights were lit.
There was no answer, only the silence...and the soft sounds of...tears. Someone was in the seats. Dhonny's curiosity won over as he made his way down
one of the aisles, peaking in between the rows as he walked. And the further he walked, the closer the sounds of crying were. He walked far enough to
find the source of the tears, hunched down in the seat, knees drawn up to her chest, her face in her hands. Dhonny exhaled heavily, entering the aisle
as he walked to her, sitting in the seat next to her, his arm going around her over the arm rest as he pulled her into his chest.
"Devyn..." He said, his cheek pressed against the top of her head. "...it's okay. I'm here..." Dhonny held her as she cried, letting her get it out.
He couldn't even...be mad at her for last night. For the things he'd heard on the phone, knowing that she didn't want any of it. Knowing that she did
it all for Koi. Because of him... They were miserable, the two of them and it was crazy that they would've rather torture each other than admit that
they needed each other. This was crazy...it was all completely insane.
"Here..." He said, pulling a beat up bandana that he used when he practiced out of his bookbag. Yeah, it was probably a little ratty, but it was
clean. Handing it to her, he smiled weakly...at her, but also at the fact that even though he disappointed in her, he still couldn't see her cry.
your body's like art i ain't even thought up yet...
She wasn’t alone anymore. She hadn’t heard the auditorium doors open or close, but he was here, his arm wrapping around her as he pulled her into
his chest. Dhonny. He would be the one that found her here...like this. Broken and upset. He had been there the first time Koi broke her heart and he
was here now, watching her mourn the shambles she’d made of her life since. He whispered her name telling her it was okay. That he was here now.
Good. Because she needed him. Dhonny would know what to do. She’d come clean and he’d tell her how to fix everything. Because she couldn’t do
it. She couldn’t pretend she didn’t need Koi anymore. She did. She needed him and she loved him and she wanted him back. She didn’t care what
he’d done to her in the past. She just wanted them again.
“What did I do Dhonny?” she took his bandana and wiped at her mascara-free eyes, thankful that she wouldn’t be ruining something else, no matter
how small. “I was everything to him once and then all of a sudden I was shit!” She didn’t understand any of it. She thought she knew him. Devyn
was sure she and Koi connected on every level. That she knew him and he knew enough about her for them to be...something. She’d made them something
in her head and even though neither of them said it out loud they were together. She’d known that as fact and Koi had seen it as fiction. She was
another piece of ass to him. One he enjoyed, sure, but just another on a list of others. She thought she was more. “I just thought...I thought we
had something, D...I thought he-,” she wouldn’t let herself say it. She would not put herself out there like that again to have shit kicked up in
her face again. But she thought he loved her. He acted like it.
“But who knows how many other bitches thought the same thing I guess…” Devyn sniffled, sitting up in her seat as she put her feet back on the
ground.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
What did I do Dhonny? If she was asking him the question he THOUGHT she was asking him, Dhonny knew the answer immediately as he watched
Devyn wipe her tears. Nothing. She hadn't done anything to deserve what she was getting right now, which was confusion and pain. If there was
anything that she hadn't done that she should’ve, it would've been to call Koi on his shit like Dhonny stayed doing...because she deserved more.
Hell, any girl would've deserved more than Koi gave her, not just Devyn. The girls that he’d run through for years, some wanting more and others
wanting what they got from him which was a bed and a wake up in the morning, got what Koi was willing to give. Which was nothing, because he didn’t
have anything to give.The Kidd couldn’t give emptiness. And he for damn sure couldn’t give hurt. And the anger. That’s all his boy was filled
with and Dhonny knew it from the moment he’d met Koi. All he saw behind the blinding smile, the slick mouth and the swag was a damaged soul. He
emanated darkness, no matter what. Because undealt with shit never got better...it only spread like the cancer he infected others with, including
Devyn. And now, she was in the darkness with him, her hurt making her do the stupidest, most spiteful shit...making her as empty as him.
But she was almost right. She had been everything to him. If the cloud hovering over Koi turned from black to gray, it was with her. She lessened the
pain for him, Dhonny could tell. For a while, Dhonny had a little hope. He saw a little promise in Koi. He saw the future and what it could’ve been
with Devyn. Happiness, a new aura. New promise. Because Koi, no matter how much he denied it, lived her. He could feel the shit lessen in the
atmosphere when they were together. All of the bitterness Koi carried...it looked like it wasn’t as heavy with her. But there wasn’t room for
both. Either Devyn would be his light or his anger would be his darkness...and he chose the dark. She never stood a fucking chance against the
dark…
“No...you know what you felt.” Dhonny said to her, his hand rubbing her arm. “Don’t let him being an ignorant ass make you think any
different.” Dhonny leaned closer to her as she sat up, her feet touching the floor, his other arm propping on the back of his seat.
“You were never like the others, Devyn.” He said simply, falling quiet. He didn’t explain himself because deep down, he knew she knew what
he’d meant. She wasn’t the same. Koi had never been as invested. He’d never bared his soul the way he had with her. And even now, he was just
afraid. Dhonny knew it in the tears Koi had shed the night before. He’d believed something for so long that it became the truth. And then someone so
beautiful, inside and out, came along and proved him wrong? It threw him. Koi wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t an idiot. He was confused...an
asshole...but confused.
“You know what. I want you to stop crying and look at me.” He said, her reddened eyes meeting his. “This’ll pass. I know you don’t believe
me...but it will. So, no more crying...and no more drinking...and no more Derrick.” Dhonny’s nose flared as he said that name, barely hiding his
anger at Derrick, the manipulating son of a bitch that he was.
your body's like art i ain't even thought up yet...
You know what you felt. Did she? If that were true what was she doing here right now; crying into Dhonny’s shirt about a boy who had proven
he gave less than a shit about her? She didn’t know shit about anything and she was so far over pretending none of this shit mattered. It did
matter. He mattered. Everything Devyn had done in the last few days had been because of Koi Kidd. The parties, the drinking, the instagram photos of
her pretending to be happy and confident and living...She was none of those things. She was leading a sad, depressing, existence without Koi and she
was over it. She wanted him back. Her best friend, her fuck buddy. Bae. Whatever the hell they had been, she wanted them to be that again and if
that’s all she could get from him, she would take it because what she’d told him in his kitchen after her mom’s funeral was still true. Koi had
been the only thing holding her together.
“I was exactly like the others Dhonny. I thought I could change him-,” And that’s where she’d really fucked up. She went along with the
“bond stronger than a title” bullshit, but she never really believed it. In the back of her mind, Devyn was sure Koi would wake up one day and
just be this other person that wanted the things she did. Not that she was asking for much. Monogamy, loyalty, a little respect. She could have
gotten that from plenty of other men, but she didn’t want another man. She wanted these things from Koi. Only problem was, he’d told her more than
once he couldn’t give them. She knew. Devyn knew what she’d signed up for and she stayed anyway hoping things would change. She was a fucking
idiot.
Wiping at her eyes again, Devyn turned to him as Dhonny prompted it and listened to what he was saying. Pass? It wouldn’t. And she didn’t want it
to pass. She wanted Koi back and she would never feel any differently about that. ...no more crying...no more drinking...no more-what?! Devyn
scoffed. Damn that boy worked fast. She knew he’d tell fucking lies about what they’d done last night, but school hadn’t even started yet. Hell,
she’d been here for less than an hour and Derrick already had the rumor mill running. He probably started last night on twitter. Something she could
have stopped if she hadn’t left her phone in his room.
“Great. Now I deal with this shit….What kind of nasty things is Derrick saying he did to me?”
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
No one could change Koi Kidd. After years of friendship, Dhonny was positive of that fact. Not only was Koi stubborn as all hell, he was cemented in
who he was. Sometimes it was like self doubt and bitterness was ingrained in his skin, etched there like the DNA that wrote the color of his eyes or
the texture of his hair. But Dhonny knew better. No one could change Koi...but himself. No one would ever be able to disprove the myth that he fed
himself about being like his damn father EXCEPT for him. And that was the itch, wasn’t it? The only one that could change him WAS him...and that
seemed like the impossible feat. Especially now, watching a girl, whose confidence Dhonny had always loved and fed on, falter right in front of him.
It was too strong, Koi’s poisonous darkness, too strong for Devyn to even compete with. She couldn’t do it by herself. And the only person that
could do it was too scared of seeing the truth.
“Change happens internally, Dev.” He said quietly, knowing that she now saw the truth and a reminder was unnecessary. It was a common mistake to
think there was any possibility of changing someone. But Devyn didn’t want to be common when it came to Koi. She wanted to be the exception. And
Dhonny wanted that too...mostly because he knew she was. She was so fucking Neo with it and she didn’t even have a clue...not like Dhonny expected
her to when Koi showed her the opposite.
But Dhonny wasn’t swayed as easily as Devyn. He wasn’t convinced. Nothing about this situation, as crazy as it got sometimes, said “finished”.
It was stupid, he knew it. To have hope in things that were doomed, hurling towards the ground like the fiery disaster that they obviously were.
But...and there would always be a “but”, he knew what he knew. He knew Koi needed a catalyst like Devyn. And he knew Devyn needed a “rock”
like Koi. Dhonny never knew he’d use the word when it came to Koi and a female, but they were fated. The pull towards each other wasn’t
for nothing. They were like opposite ends of a magnet, her north pulling to his south...and it was so strong. Dhonny couldn’t ignore the energy that
he felt when he was around them. The energy that felt like...damn…forever. So, he couldn’t believe it was over. Not when all signs were
pointing to “not yet”...
And he told Deyvn so, her look of skepticism making the corner of his lips raise in a smirk. But he kept talking, because even when things seemed
hopeless, that didn’t mean they…
...What kind of nasty things is Derrick saying he did to me?
Dhonny’s brow furrowed as he processed her question. Derrick? Dhonny hadn’t spoken to Derrick. About anything. Ever in that assholes life. And if
there were rumors swirling, he hadn’t heard them. No, he got what he knew about Derrick and Devyn directly from the source…
“Uh...you serious?” He searched Devyn’s face for humor, knowing there wasn’t a stitch of it to be found.
“You should know how I know, Dev...you called the Kidd’s phone. We heard you…”
your body's like art i ain't even thought up yet...
She could only imagine what the rumor was. The day was early, it was probably only an R-rated version of the truth right now. Maybe there was some
heavy petting or Derrick had gotten to stick his fingers in the cookie jar. It was going to be hell. She knew it was going to be hell because she’d
dealt with the bullshit rumors before. When she and Koi were off after Christmas, people decided she was fucking Dhonny instead. She could say again
and again that she wasn’t, but people believed what they wanted. She didn’t give a shit about that though. It was different. At least Dhonny was
worthy. And they were “married”. Dhonny was her hubby and whatever people wanted to say about their relationship wasn’t going to change it. She
and he knew what they were. Derrick was different. Derrick was…ugh, Derrick.
Yeah, she was sure there was something torrid going around about what happened last night. She knew it would happen when she went over there and
before she didn’t care because she actually thought she would follow through. She thought the rumors would be mostly true, but they weren’t. She
didn’t sleep with Derrick. Of course, she should have known that that didn’t mean Derrick wouldn’t tell everyone they fucked anyway. Ugh! Fuck
him and his constant need to have his fucking dick rode by every motherfucker that went to King’s! He was lying. He was lying and it was pissing her
off....or...he wasn’t? Devyn’s face contorted into a look of confusion and outrage, her whole body shifting in her seat to look at Dhonny straight
on. They heard her? She called him? None of that was even possible. Dveyn hadn’t seen her phone since being in Derrick’s...and then it hit her.
Reality.
“That son of a bitch…-” Derrick called him. From her phone. But what could they have possibly heard? Her phone basically lived in her hand while
she was chilling with him upstairs. Miyu was trying to talk her out of doing...well Derrick and they’d been going back and forth. She hadn’t lost
sight of it until moving to the kitchen...but Devyn shut him down. Nothing happened! Nothing real anyway. Sure, she flirted a little and yes, let him
kiss her, but that was it. She never did it. She wouldn’t do that to Koi. Oh God! Koi heard her with him!
“Dhonny, I…-,” the tears started again, “I don’t know what you heard, but I didn’t do anything with Derrick.” She couldn’t believe
that she had to explain this to him. She NEVER would have called so that Koi could hear her fucking Derrick. She didn’t have it in her to even
think of anything that…grimey. She had to fix this! Koi couldn’t think he’d heard what he thought he had! All he listened to was a
stupid, STUPID moment of weakness! “I could never hurt him like that Dhonny. I went over there to sleep with Derrick I did but I couldn’t do
it and I would never call him so that he could listen to me fuck somebody else no matter who it was I love him too much to do-," her words had
been going a mile a minute, exiting her mouth as soon as her brain made them. She slipped up. Both of her hands came to cover her mouth as she and
Dhonny sat in the truth she’d just blurted out.
She loved him too much to do that to him. She couldn’t.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
No judgement. That was and had always been Dhonny’s motto. And it wasn’t going to change now with what he knew about Devyn. NO matter what. Not
even when her face changed from surprise, to confusion...to straight up rage, her mind probably racing around the fact that Dhonny had heard something
that was only meant for Koi’s ears and anger. But he’d heard it and surprisingly...he didn’t blame her from wanting to get back at Koi. Koi had
hurt her. Badly. Badly enough to want to hurt him the same way...so she wouldn’t have had to be in the place where she was now. The tears, the
anger. But she’d still found herself here, hadn’t she? Even after giving Derrick the part of herself that she knew would drive the Kidd to react
the way he had. Was it worth it? Dhonny wanted to ask her that, but he knew that it would’ve only made the embarrassment worse, her eyes welling up
with tears, the words that perfectly described Derrick falling from her lips. That son of a bitch. Exactly...he was. But she couldn’t
totally blame him, could she? That was her call to make, literally. Dhonny got it. She wanted Koi to hear and hurt the same way he’d hurt her when
she saw the pictures of he and Taylor on Instagram. And she didn’t need to be embarrassed about it...everyone had a weakness. Hers was being made to
look like a fucking fool when all she did was give everything…
But that wasn’t what was bothering her it seemed, her face going for rage right back to absolute shame and hurt. She called his name, her words
choked by the tears that finally poured over. He shook his head, letting her know that she didn’t need to explain, but her words kept coming.
Telling him she didn’t do anything with Derrick.
“Wifey, you don’t have to-” He started, his words interrupted by Devyn’s. They were going a mile a minute about how she couldn’t do
something like that to Koi, how she wanted to do it, but she couldn’t. And...Dhonny believed her. It...just wasn’t Devyn to do something like
that. He’d believed that the anger had made her act out, but he knew that something that shitty wasn’t in her. It didn’t match her aura, it
didn’t fit her personality. It wasn’t her. Those words didn’t surprise him as he exhaled, his mind turning to what the hell had really happened
until…
...I love him too much to do- Dhonny’s eyes widened, his mouth going from surprised to a small smile, his head nodding as she looked at him
and he at her. And there it was… She loved him. Her hands covered her mouth...like she’d made some sort of mistake. Like she’d blurted
out something that Dhonny didn’t already know. He smiled wider as he pulled her hands away from her lips, his smile telling her not to be ashamed of
what she’d just said.
“You love him…” He repeated to her. “...you didn’t fuck up just then. You know it’s true. You love him.” He held her hand and let her
take in what she’d just said outloud. It was heavy. He understood that. So, he sat until she could look at him again.
“...And I’m guessing that wasn’t you who called Koi last night, huh. Where’s your phone, Devyn?”
your body's like art i ain't even thought up yet...
She loved him. She kept hearing herself say it again and again in her mind. She loved him too much to hurt him the way he thought she had. She would
give it to Derrick, he was an evil fucking genius. Calling Koi from her phone in front of her face had to have been some tough shit to pull off. She
didn’t know how he’d done it, but he had. He’d killed any chance of Koi and Devyn ever fixing what was wrong between them because now Koi
“knew” that she had fucked Derrick. He “knew” that she wasn’t just his anymore. Dev fucked the homies; hell, for all Koi knew it was more
than just Derrick. Ugh! She couldn’t believe she’d gotten herself into this mess. She never should have gone to Derrick’s house at all. The act
of going alone was enough to make him believe what he did now...but, isn't that why she’d gone? Isn’t that what she wanted Koi to think?
But that was just it. Koi didn’t “think”. He wasn’t in the same boat as Devyn, stressing herself out over what he may or may not have done.
Koi “knew”, because he’d heard. Now what was she supposed to do?
Nothing. Even if they were talking right now, Koi wouldn’t want to see her. He wouldn’t want to hear whatever she had to say about what happened.
Not that she should have to explain anything to him. As he’d so harshly let her know in the hallway, they weren’t a couple. He didn’t owe her
shit and she owed him less...but Devyn had never felt that way. She’d never wanted them to end up like this...apart. She hated it. Especially now
that she had been bold enough to say what she was really feeling. She loved him. She never said it outloud before, not even when she was alone,
because she knew how Koi felt about it. How afraid of it he was. How it was “too much” for him and she hadn’t wanted to push him away. But that
never made it any less true. She loved him. And now Dhonny knew that too.
She listened to him tell her that it was okay that she’d said it. That it was just the truth. It was. She knew that and she nodded, but it didn’t
mean anything now. Koi would never forgive her and that was her own fault. Even if she could tell him she and Derrick didn’t do anything, he would
never believe her. Not after “her” phone call. “I left it at Derrick’s…” Devyn let her words trail off. She had been in such a rush to get
the fuck out of there, she hadn’t even thought about her phone. “I stopped him and things got...I just wanted to leave…” Devyn paused, putting
her head in her hands, a sigh leaving her as she thought again about the mess she’d made. “What am I going to do, D?” Dhonny opened his mouth to
answer, but before he could the Auditorium door opened again.
I'm taking my time.
I'm doing it right.
Self-Love. Self-Care. Selfish.
“Oh my God, can you get out of the way?!” Miyu spat at a couple of defenseless, slow walking underclassmen, speeding around them almost fast
enough to miss the surprised expressions on their faces. Whatever, they so didn’t matter! Not now! Not when the quintessential shit was about to hit
the fan at full speed. She skirted around the set of lockers up the hall from the auditorium, which was where what seemed like the fiftieth person
she’d asked “where’s Devyn!?” told her that she would be. Rumors were rumors and of course, Miyu had never paid much attention to
them…except when the people in crew’s names were attached to them. And there was a massive one floating around now, one that Miyu KNEW Devyn would
regret if she didn’t get in the middle of it...and hopefully stop it from happening.
Not like really cared or gave a shit about Koi at the moment. She’d been drying tears and prying liquor bottles from Devyn’s hands for the past
fucking WEEK because of him, his fucking dick getting him into trouble...again. But the Kidd didn’t think with his head too often...or his heart as
he’d done the jerkiest thing he could possibly ever do to her bestie and THEN tell her that he didn’t give a shit how it affected her. If Miyu had
a hit list, he would’ve been on it. But, she got Koi. She’d known him long enough to get him and understand his hang ups. But his hang ups
weren’t an excuse for what he’d put Devyn through for the past week. And especially not for the shit that he’d made her do the night before.
Miyu knew it. Koi had driven Devyn to Derrick’s slimy arms. He’d worn her down so far and so hard that she’d...ugh. Miyu didn’t even want to
KNOW what had gone down the night before, her calls forwarded to voicemail every time she’d tried to reach out to Devyn. She’d tried to get her to
see sense before she did something stupid. Well, apparently the “stupid” had been done and Miyu was running down the hall, her blazer in hand,
struggling to not bust her ass in her heels.
Thrusting herself through the door of the auditorium, she waivered on the spot, her eyes blinking rapidly to adjust to the light. There she
was. Sitting in the row with Dhonny, his arm around the back of her seat, her turned around, mouth agape as she registered that it was Miyu
that’d burst into the silent room.
“THERE you are…” Miyu said, huffing as she quick walked down the aisle towards where Devyn and Dhonny sat, her black hair flying behind her.
“I have been looking ALL over for you! You’ve gotta come with me. NOW.” Without an explanation she grabbed Devyn’s arm, pulling her from her
seat, barely letting her grab her bag.
“You too! Get up!” She fussed at Dhonny, the surprise still on his face. “I don’t know WHAT the hell is going on, but your best friend and
that rat, Derrick, are in the Student Parking Lot and rumor is hands are about to fly! Move your ass, Dhonny!”
it's the wantin' you, never gettin' you keeps me wantin' you... 強迫観念